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Hi, Lil! :wave:

I did two things yesterday that were positive: I stayed away from the all foods that I'm allergic to and I had one glass of red wine (per my cardiologist) with a lovely roasted chicken Ceaser salad that I also threw a little fresh spinich into for dinner. I was very heart-health conscience. I got some good motivation. When I finally turned on the TV yesterday, I heard a report about increased incidents of heart attacks during the holiday season-Thanksgiving through New Years-due to over-eating, over-indulgence in drinking, stress and lack of exercise. Throw into the mix a divorce and sudden realization of a mental health issue and my already nervous cardiologist because of the prior angina and current arythmia, and I figured I was one step away from trouble. So anyway, that was enough to scare me "straight" so to speak. On the up side, I have gained 5 of the 14 pounds that I'd lost. I actually had to wear my size 4 jeans yesterday rather than the 2's or the 0's because I've got a little tummy.

Besides, I've seen the results of open heart and by-pass surgery. It really destroys one's ability to wear anything with a scooped or v-neck or bathing suits, shorts or even capri's with a by-pass because you're left with a long scar down your leg from the vein removal to create the by-pass material. It's wicked ugly.

I'll give that to my shrink; she did help me discover that "control" that was being exercised over me and pretty much why it was happening. It was through prayer and talking to her and another psychologist friend, introspection and talking with people here on this Board that I was finally able to break free from my husband's control. I know that I never want to be in that kind of situation again and, although I'm lonely right now, I am using this time to get through the divorce and find healing and me.

I had to peel through a lot of layers to get me closer to the surface before I could say "no more" and stop the violence. I already recognized that I was half of the problem by allowing him to behave the way he did. I was on a journey to find out all the why's of our relationship and also the if's--like if it was fixable--when I came across BPD. The definition was my husband, plus maybe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was so busy learning about BPD for him that I kept pushing back the little voice inside that was saying, "Pay attention. This is for you, too." But it's only fixable if both parties acknowledge they are responsible and work together to fix their problems by fixing communication and their individual issues in the case of violence, anger management, co-dependence and BPD or whatever the issues are.

When he finally was gone and I was safely back in my home alone, I couldn't deny it anymore. It had been eating at me for weeks and simmering under the surface, but when I was finally alone, I couldn't push it away any longer. I knew that if I wanted to get better, the first thing I had to do, was admit what I was openly. That's when I came back here and made my "confession" of my realization. Once you speak something out, you can never pull it back in. So now I can never deny the truth again.

My poor mother. When I think of what I put her through, I just cry--the rages, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, running away, dropping out of school, etc. I think she must have prayed for years that God would just keep me from being killed by my stupidity and wild behavior. I'm so very glad that we were able to be in close relationship with each other after I grew up and left home. But I know even then I worried her with my failed relationships and the effects they had on my son. I did go back to school, by the way, and managed to still graduate with my class. :) Thank God, I wasn't a total idiot. I even went on to college and did rather well, graduating with honors and 3.84 GPA.

I'm sorry about your Dad. That had to have been hard. Kids always internalize the problems between their parents. That's just how kids are. I blamed myself for my father's leaving. My mother used to talk about how happy they'd been early on in their marriage and how idyllic it had been until they bought the house and we kids came along. She said he changed after that. Now if your the kid, what would you think? I don't think she meant anything by it; it was more likely just time frame reference, but I took it to heart. By then, being the oldest, I was also held responsible for anything and everything that happened. Regardless of who had done what, I was going to get a spanking. I resented the heck out of that and my sibling.

A few years after my father left, I experienced sexual molestation at the hands of a relative. This went on for years. I was terrified of him and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they wouldn't believe me or that I would be punished like I always was for whatever went wrong. So I kept my mouth shut. During this time another relative began molesting me, too, and then he tried to rape me. I managed to get away from him though. It was like I had a sign on my head. These two relatives were close, so I now wonder if they hadn't talked. In any case, as I got old enough to be alone, I began refusing to go to family gatherings when I knew they'd be there. Then I pushed the memories of what they'd done so far down that I didn't remember them ever again until I was almost 40 years old.

I thought then that was why I had acted out when I was a teenager, end of story. But I failed to recognize the continuing impact and repeated behavior problems throughout my adult life that I now recognize as BPD. I think I can see now that my father's leaving, my mother holding me overly accountable, and the sexual molestations, were most likely working together as catalysts to my becoming BPD as a young teenager.

What do you think, Lil? Have I hit this nail on the head?

:angel:

Houston

PS: You have every right to feel proud of yourself. You're doing a great job of taking care of yourself and others, too. Frankly, I don't know where I'd be without you. Love ya. :angel: H
Hi Houston.....:angel:

Hit the nail on the head? You drove it in with a nail gun! Wow!

You have done some very hard work, my friend. Some people would be too frightened to go where you've gone.

Try not to feel guilty....traumas that you are not responsible for, led you to become BPD. You have taken responsibility for your part in the events that occurred, that is what is important.

How is your son with this? Has he noticed his "New and Improved" Mom?

It is possible, that as you move toward peace in your life (yes, it can happen) that your physical ailments could improve....even a little.

Healthier mind sometimes=healthier body.:)

I know that you are going through hell right now, but reading your posts almost makes me cry. You are on your way.....it won't be an easy life, but it will be gratifying....because you are making you happy.

I hope you're proud of youself....if not, I'll smack you:jester:

Love ya, Houston:angel:

Lil
Hi, Lil, :wave:

WOW! That's great insight! I hadn't thought of it that way before, I guess, but you're right. It was my "child" who was abused. It's my "child" who got herself into the bad relationship to begin with (again) and then delt with it poorly when she did...until now.

Now, I'm determined to do the right thing as best I can from an emotionally healthy, adult perspective. I'm feeling my way along on this, but I have some good advisers like you and my girlfriend and even my shrink. And when I find I have a problem or a limit as to what I can healthfully tollerate, as with my issue with my husband's coming back to the house to get his stuff, I speak up. I have offered to have his stuff taken to another location for him to pick up from there at a mutually agreeable time. I can be there for questions, but not see him. That's something I might not have done before now. I suppose that's showing respect for myself.

As for romantic relationships, I don't see me trying to deal with that at all any time soon...if ever again. It's not that I'm bad looking, but walkers, canes and wheel-chairs aren't exactly draws in the romance department, if you know what I mean, even if I were interested.

I was reading the book that my shrink recommended last night and it said some interesting things, like:

"Many of us are hurt emotionally, relationally, and spiritually, but because we are unaware of the extent of our wounds, we don't take steps toward healing and health. Our problem is not stupidity but a lack of objectivity. Because of this, we fail to see the reality of pain, hurt, and anger in our lives.

"Why do some of us lack objectivity? Perhaps our lack of objectivity is a learned response from childhood. All of us desperately want our parents to be loving and supportive. If ours aren't (or weren't), we may protect our concept of them by blaming ourselves for their lack of love, and we may deny that we have been hurt by their behavior. (been there, done that)

"We all develop elaborate defense mechanisms to block pain and gain significance. We suppress emotions; we are compulsive perfectionists; we drive ourselves to succeed; or we withdraw and become passive; we attack people who hurt us; we punish ourselves when we fail; we try to say clever things to be accepted; we help people so that we will be appreciated; and we say and do countless other things. (HELLO??? Can anyone say BPD?)

"A sense of need usually propels us to look for an alternative. We may have the courage to examine ourselves and may desperately want to change but may be unsure of how and where to start. We may refuse to look honestly within for fear of what we'll find, or we may be afraid that even if we can discover what's wrong, nothing can help us.

"When the light of love and honesty shines on thoughts of hopelessness, it is often very painful. We begin to admit that we really do feel negatively about ourselves--and have for a long time. But love expressed through the right people and woven into our lives can, over a period of time, bring healing even to our deepest wounds and instill within us an appropriate sense of self-worth.

"When the light does come on in our lives, we will discover that we have tried to meet certain needs in the wrong way. It isn't that the needs are not real, it is just that we have tried to meet these needs in inappropriate ways.

"How do we know if something we want is really something we need? First, the simple answer is that when we are without something we need, we find ourselves uncomfortable, sometimes even miserable, perhaps even at the point of death. Without water we become very thirsty; without sleep we stay very sleepy. When we find that we perceive our lives as having no value, purpose, or significance, we become miserable. (this is where we have to be very, very careful...because it, whatever or whomever it is, can feel like a matter of life and death if we don't have it/them in BPD-land)

"From life's outset, we find ourselves on the prowl, searching to satisfy some inner, unexplained yearning. Our hunger causes us to search for people who will love us. Our desire for acceptance pressures us to perform to gain praise from others. We strive for success, driving our minds and bodies harder and further, hoping that because of our sweat and sacrifice others will appreciate us more.

"But the man or woman who lives only for the love and attention of others is never satisfied--at least, not for long. Despite our efforts, we will never find lasting, fulfilling peace if we must continually prove ourselves to others. Our desire to be loved and accepted is a symptom of a deeper need--the need that frequently governs our behavior and is the primary source of our emotional pain. Often unrecognized, this is our need for self-worth.

"Whether labeled self-esteem or self-worth, the feeling of significance is crucial to man's emotional, spiritual, and social stability and is the driving element within the human spirit. Understanding this single need opens the door to understanding our actions and attitudes.

"What a waste to attempt to change behavior without truly understanding the driving needs that cause such behavior! Yet millions of people spend a lifetime searching for love, acceptance, and success without understanding the need that compels them. Our value is not dependent on our ability to earn the fickle acceptance of people."

I was getting here already, but it was nice to have it spelled out plainly and reinforced by this author. The name of the book is "The Search for Significance, Seeing Your True Worth Through God's Eyes" by Robert S. McGee. It's a book and a workbook together. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Though the book isn't specifically written to address the BPD audience, he does specifically address the following areas in Chapters 3-10:

The Performance Trap: I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself. The fear of failure; perfectionism; drive to succeed; manipulation of others to achieve success; withdrawal from healthy risks.

Approval Addict: I must be approved by certain others to feel good about myself. The fear of rejection; attempts to please others at any cost; overly sensitive to criticism; withdrawal from others to avoid disapproval.

The Blame Game: Those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished. The fear of punishment; punishing others; blaming others for personal failure; withdrawal from others; drive to avoid failure.

Shame: I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless. Feelings of shame, hopelessness, and inferiority; passivity; loss of creativity; isolation; withdrawal from others.

I think that covers enough of my BPDisms to keep me interested. So maybe my shrink heard me after all and is going about this a little differently? Whatever, I'm cool with this. It gives me time to dig really deep and work on me then touch base with her.

I just hung up from my attorney. My husband turned down all offers of settlement so we'll go to court on Monday morning unless something comes up between now and 5 PM to continue it again, and we'll go for the continued Protective Orders (criminal part), continued Restraining Orders and Temporary Maintenance in court. My son hasn't heard anything from the DA on the criminal charges he filed against my husband either, but I'm guessing that he may have turned down that settlement offer as well. We'll see.

Talk to you later.

:angel:

Houston
Hey, Lil,

I hear what you're saying. I know that I need to get hold of the "child" that's still afraid of him and turn all of this around, but I also know it's going to be a process. And it may not happen until I'm safely away from Houston after the divorce.

Afterall, I have listened to this man plot revenge against his 2nd wife for the last 11 years and the only thing that's stopped him from doing something really awful is his children because they'd know it was him and he can't stand to not have their approval. The last plot he had was to destroy her career because he didn't think it would point back to him and he may have already done some things there. There's no such "bond" there between me and his children. He's already managed to turn them against me.

If he "takes it in the shorts" [his term] in this divorce like he did with her, he'll be even more dangerous. I can only hope that these Protective Orders and Restraining Orders keep him at bay for now and that they are made permanent in the end, if possible, and keep him at bay then until I can relocate far away where he won't find me.

I know what he's capable of. I don't know if he "shared" with her like he did with me. I kept my mouth shut and withheld judgment a lot out of fear. He got used to telling me his dark thoughts and his dark past. He told me that she wasn't like that, but who knows what the truth is. He likes/liked to talk about himself and those things, though it did take him awhile to open up to me at first. She may or may not have heard it, too.

The one thing he never told me about was spousal abuse. I got to find that out all on my own, right down to discovering a prior case of severe abuse with his first wife that hospitalized her where he'd punched her in the face and kicked her in the stomach and ribs all repeatedly. That's when I realized what truly deep sneeks I was in. I knew then that if things had gotten to that point after ten years of marriage with her, that the violence was only going to increase until I ended up like that or worse. I knew I didn't want to be an item on the evening news and I wanted to know what was making him do these things. I also seriously doubted that his violence totally skipped a 20-year 2nd marriage.

He has this mental picture of himself as the "great protector" and "white knight in shining armour" rescuing damsels in distress. The problem with that picture is that we need rescuing from him--his alter ego--the black knight who soon imprisons us, in my case for 11 years.

During our years together, after he treated me particularly badly and shut me out for several days, he would then feel remorseful and attempt to make up, especially if I made any indication of pulling away and asserting independence. He'd take me out for a really nice evening or cook a gourmet dinner or suggest a visit with the children or having the grandbabies overnight...something he knew that I would really like and that would get him back into my good graces. This would go on for a few days and then wind down until we were back to "normal" and eventually he would again disappear for long hours, but complain about what I did for exercise [at doctor's orders] and my hobbies while he was around--anything that took my attention away from him for more than an hour. Suddenly, again I could do nothing right and/or the rules would change mid-course and finally he'd have another big explosion, abuse me and shut me out.

In all fairness, I think there were times that I was feeling poorly about him and/or myself and anticipated the blow-ups which put more pressure on him and caused the situation to develop more quickly. Looking back, it's sometimes hard to say where my BPD left off and his began.

In the beginning, I loved him with all my heart, but it wasn't a healthy love. I had that pedestal thing going. In the end, I think I love him more, because I want him to get well and I know he won't if we're together. The only way for him to get well is to hit bottom without me like I did being with him. The only way for me is up now. But I know if I'd stayed with him, I might not have lived to tell the tale. I don't think my health was going to take much more. Now I have a chance to get better mentally and physically.

Perhaps he'll get a leg up from this if the judge orders him into a program. I know it won't work unless he does the work, but it might plant some seeds or something might actually reach him.

Okay, I have to go pack. I'm going to spend the night with my son so we can ride in together in the morning in the HOV lane and not both sit in one of our notorious freeway parking lots during "rush hour" which lasts about all day long with one-hour breaks mid-morning and mid-afternoon. Otherwise, I'd have to leave by 6:30 AM to make the "20 minute" drive downtown and get there by 8 AM. Another reason to get out of Houston. ;)

:angel:
Houston
Hi Houston......

[quote]I still have family I haven't yet told of our break-up. I guess I need to call them this weekend. It's hard to do. Could that be my BPD not wanting to admit to failure? Perhaps fearing their disapproval and judgment? The truth is I can't even think about making the calls without crying. I don't know how I will get through the conversations. What do you think?[/quote]

Don't be worried about failure, Houston, the marriage was destined to fail from the beginning. You, my friend have made a choice to no longer be a victim. That is a very brave choice to make.

You have also made a choice to recognize a disorder, that is not the most glamorous disorder in the world.

People will judge, and they will disapprove. No matter how hard, and how many ways you try to explain, they will never understand. Don't even expect them to.

Don't let what other people think drag you down.

You are doing, what you are doing for the good of your health, and life. You are the only person who is important.

People have "opinions"....in reality, the "opinion" that matters, is your own.

You know that you have made the right decision......that's your story, and you're sticking to it!:angel:

For reinforcement, go back to the "expectations" part of your book, in Chapter 2, I think...(I really do pay attention....;))

I should be on and off all weekend.....good luck.

Love ya:angel:


Lil
Hi Lil :wave:

How was your Christmas? Did you get a lump of coal in your stocking? or lots or nice presents from Santa this year? :jester:

I don't know where my son's girlfriend found it, but each of the kids got "coal" bubble gum in their stockings. It was too cute. They got a lot of nice presents, too, of course.

I'm a little upset with my daughter-in-law though. It was my son's turn to have the girls for Christmas all day, but she called up and pitched a fit and insisted on having them over night Christmas eve. So he said, "If you're going to do that, then here is what they want from Santa. We've already bought everything, but if you have them, we're taking it back and getting them things they need unless you tell me you can't do it or find it."

So he waited a week or two and when she didn't say anything more, he took back their Santa gifts and got them clothes and shoes--the things she's supposed to buy them with the child support and never does. Christmas day, she finally dropped them back at the house at about 12:30 PM. My oldest granddaughter came in the house wanting to know if Santa had come to Daddy's house because he didn't come to her Grandma's where they'd spent the night. They don't observe Christmas. Then she wanted to know if she could go tell the judge that she wanted to live with her Daddy because she was sick of her Mom. She came and cried on my shoulder for a little while.

She said her Mom yelled at her all the way back to drop them off (a 35 mile trip) because she wasn't holding onto the window good enough. Her Mom has a broken window on her car that doesn't stay up by itself. That tells me that she wasn't in her seat belt either. She's only 8 years old. Neither she nor her little sister got what they wanted from Santa this year and the cow had the temerity to lie and tell him she had given them their Santa gifts. One ex at a time though, eh?

I'm sorry you're going through a bad scary time. I know a lot of people who are right now. I think perhaps it's to get us into the position we're meant to be in now, tomorrow and ultimately. Each life touches another life for good or evil and, dependent on how we go through our trials, we can either inspire others or become an emotional burden and/or incite evil.

Take for example BPD, we know we have this disease that causes a propensity toward certain behavior if we are honest with ourselves. We know what our own proclivities are in the disease, be it gambling, eating disorders, reckless driving, unprotected sex with numerous partners, whatever and the rages, etc. My point is that we all have choices to make as to how we behave. Knowing ourselves and how we react and/or behave in certain situations or to certain stimuli enables us to be prepared to make the correct choices and avoid the pitfalls of our disease. Rage/anger is the most difficult of those that we BPDers deal with, but we can learn to cope and find methods of making appropriate responses for example, by attending Anger Management classes and reading books on the subject to hone our skills.

With anger it really all boils down to the art of negotiation and fairness. If you are better able to negotiate than your fellow, you've got to be fair to them in order to be an inspiration. The best way to do that is by looking for ways to feed their need or desire as well as your own in a compromise. But before you can look at things this way, you have to learn to step back.

The other proclivities can also be managed by automatically taking a step back every time. Is this what I really want? Is this what I really need? Is this healthy for me or is this my disease trying to take me down the garden path again?

None of us get everything we want. Hopefully, we get everything we need. Maybe those are the things you wanted that you didn't know you wanted until you had them.

I have confidence that I'm going to wind up where I'm supposed to be. I just don't know where that is yet. I used to know where I wanted to go. I don't know that anymore except generally. I feel like my crossroads are getting more crossed up given all the circumstances.

It's going to be interesting to see where we are six months or a year from now. It's going to be interesting to see where the world is, too. God, have mercy.

So what do you think about my hypothesis? Have I come close to getting it right? And, if so, why do I have trouble stepping back sometimes? I guess that it's pretty obvious that's the disease, right? It's easier said than done, but it's still do-able.

I still struggle with drinking, binge eating, anorexia, spending sprees, the temptation of flurtation, feelings of emptiness, and thoughts of giving up/death and/or attempting reconciliation with my almost-ex--same thing. I'm either happy or depressed...really depressed. I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't know if I ever have. I have always identified myself with what I did: model, singer, mother, wife, business woman, executive, etc. I don't want to be known as the mentally diseased crippled old woman. I've got to find out who I am, who I've always been underneath the diseases, the titles, the life experiences, etc.

Do you know who you are? Have you been on this journey already? When did you realize you didn't know who you were? and how did you find you? I think you probably have because you're so confident.

I'd like to learn how to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. I think I usually sound much more confident than I am. I've just begun the journey, remember? I'm not afraid of hard work, but there are a lot of holes that have to be filled in yet.

Love ya, Lil. :angel:

Houston
[quote]I'm sorry you're going through a bad scary time. I know a lot of people who are right now. I think perhaps it's to get us into the position we're meant to be in now, tomorrow and ultimately. Each life touches another life for good or evil and, dependent on how we go through our trials, we can either inspire others or become an emotional burden and/or incite evil.[/quote]

The scary situation, is a landlord, who wants to have an affair with me....I very innocently asked him to fix my vacuum (in front of his wife)....he did....then I started getting e-mails, asking about "payment". He wanted to have coffee and cookies with me.....in bed.

His first wife died in a mysterious fire....apparently, he was suspected.

I am supposed to be moving Jan 1, but don't even know if I have been approved for the apartment I applied for yet. (He doesn't know that I'm moving....he has access to my apartment, and all my stuff.)

Strange things have happened....I had a fish, that just disappeared...the tank was totally intact....but the fish was gone.....a severed phone cord...a clean cut.....stuff like that.

I would like my rent deposit back, but I haven't given notice. I know I could get it back.....but do I want to be evil to get it back?

[quote]Take for example BPD, we know we have this disease that causes a propensity toward certain behavior if we are honest with ourselves. We know what our own proclivities are in the disease, be it gambling, eating disorders, reckless driving, unprotected sex with numerous partners, whatever and the rages, etc. My point is that we all have choices to make as to how we behave. Knowing ourselves and how we react and/or behave in certain situations or to certain stimuli enables us to be prepared to make the correct choices and avoid the pitfalls of our disease. Rage/anger is the most difficult of those that we BPDers deal with, but we can learn to cope and find methods of making appropriate responses for example, by attending Anger Management classes and reading books on the subject to hone our skills.

With anger it really all boils down to the art of negotiation and fairness. If you are better able to negotiate than your fellow, you've got to be fair to them in order to be an inspiration. The best way to do that is by looking for ways to feed their need or desire as well as your own in a compromise. But before you can look at things this way, you have to learn to step back.

The other proclivities can also be managed by automatically taking a step back every time. Is this what I really want? Is this what I really need? Is this healthy for me or is this my disease trying to take me down the garden path again?

None of us get everything we want. Hopefully, we get everything we need. Maybe those are the things you wanted that you didn't know you wanted until you had them.

I have confidence that I'm going to wind up where I'm supposed to be. I just don't know where that is yet. I used to know where I wanted to go. I don't know that anymore except generally. I feel like my crossroads are getting more crossed up given all the circumstances.

It's going to be interesting to see where we are six months or a year from now. It's going to be interesting to see where the world is, too. God, have mercy.

So what do you think about my hypothesis? Have I come close to getting it right? And, if so, why do I have trouble stepping back sometimes? I guess that it's pretty obvious that's the disease, right? It's easier said than done, but it's still do-able.

I still struggle with drinking, binge eating, anorexia, spending sprees, the temptation of flurtation, feelings of emptiness, and thoughts of giving up/death and/or attempting reconciliation with my almost-ex--same thing. I'm either happy or depressed...really depressed. I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't know if I ever have. I have always identified myself with what I did: model, singer, mother, wife, business woman, executive, etc. I don't want to be known as the mentally diseased crippled old woman. I've got to find out who I am, who I've always been underneath the diseases, the titles, the life experiences, etc.

Do you know who you are? Have you been on this journey already? When did you realize you didn't know who you were? and how did you find you? I think you probably have because you're so confident.

I'd like to learn how to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. I think I usually sound much more confident than I am. I've just begun the journey, remember? I'm not afraid of hard work, but there are a lot of holes that have to be filled in yet.[/quote]

I think your hypothesis is so good, it should be published:)

The only being who can step back 100% of the time, is Mr. Spock, from Star Trek. You are human.....you have emotions, and feelings. Every now, and then, something is going to come at you from out of nowhere, and you will react.....like a human.

I have only known who I am for about a year or so.....I'm 47. How I know who I am is based on taking responsibility for my actions, trying my best to use good judgment, and trying to make clear, logical decisions......

You are finding out who you are now, with a vengeance. Your feelings are pretty normal, under the circumstances. All the "comfort" behaviours are tempting you. The fact that you're keeping them at bay....even if not quite perfectly, is a testament to your being responsible, good judgment, and making clear, logical decisions......:)

Keep in mind, the only person whose opinion of you, you need to worry about, is yours. You are learning to walk the walk......lots of other people would turn, and run the other way, if put in your position.:D

Talk more tomorrow.....

Love ya, Houston..:angel:

Lil
[QUOTE]The scary situation, is a landlord, who wants to have an affair with me....I very innocently asked him to fix my vacuum (in front of his wife)....he did....then I started getting e-mails, asking about "payment". He wanted to have coffee and cookies with me.....in bed.

His first wife died in a mysterious fire....apparently, he was suspected.

I am supposed to be moving Jan 1, but don't even know if I have been approved for the apartment I applied for yet. (He doesn't know that I'm moving....he has access to my apartment, and all my stuff.)

Strange things have happened....I had a fish, that just disappeared...the tank was totally intact....but the fish was gone.....a severed phone cord...a clean cut.....stuff like that.

I would like my rent deposit back, but I haven't given notice. I know I could get it back.....but do I want to be evil to get it back?

[/QUOTE]

OMG!!!:eek: This guy is a total NUT job!!! Obviously, you HAVE to MOVE!
but, the other place would have called by now, don't you think? Why don't you call them? Then you can start looking again if you need to.

I'm with you on the "no notice" idea. It would be nice to get your deposit back, but is it worth possibly risking your life or the rest of your possessions? Did you make a report to the police when your fish disappeared and the phone line was cut? Have you kept the emails? Do not consider it evil to protect yourself from this nutball by reporting his actions to the police and getting a Protective Order if you have the evidence. I'd probably have it done as soon as I knew I was ready to move, maybe a day or two to a week in advance, assuming I didn't have to leave the apartment at all. It might possibly get your deposit back and get you out of a dangerous situation and keep him at bay.

By the way, I don't think I would consider it evil to tell his wife about the fish and phone cord and hand her the emails on the way out the door, either. I'd tell her that this is why you didn't feel you could give notice and you understand if she doesn't give your deposit back, but you're also telling her this because she needs to know what her husband is up to and that you fear for her safety. You may actually save her life by opening her eyes. Of course, I'd try to do this when he's not there.

This is a perfect example where you can be an inspiration inspite of your disease. Several years ago you might have made other unhealthy choices in this situation. Now you're stepping back and trying to find the healthy choice for yourself and possibly for others, too.

If you tell her and something happens to her anyway, you have to know that you did all you could. She's responsible for her own choices after she gets the information. The main thing is that you tried and that you're safe.

Thanks for the accolades on my homespun hypothesis. You sure know how to make a girl feel good. :)

It would be awesome to write a book and be published. I always thought I'd like to write one on eschatology...that's the study of the last days prophecies in the Bible...a real favorite of mine. But perhaps I should start with an autobiography of sorts to explain BPD from the discovery/recovery perspective of the patient. Everything on the shelves is written by doctors. No one has written anything from the patient's perspective. They put little snippets in--quotes and what-have-you, but relatively little. While I like "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," it's still written by doctors and contains little snippets from patients and/or stories of their situations. How many people are there like me who've gone most of their lives undiagnosed and miserable from one failed relationship to another and can't put the whole picture together with other problems they've had or have in their lives? How many people might pick up a novel based on a true story before they'd pick up a book in the self-help or psychology sections? I can't work, but I can sit at the computer a few minutes at a time. Fortunately, I type fast so I can get my thoughts out quickly, take a break and come back. Like this paragraph: I started by typing the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 10th and 11th sentences, took a break, then came back and filled in the rest of my thoughts I had while I was getting more coffee.

I have such a hard time following through with anything these days, that's probably just a pipe dream...all of it. The fatigue and fibro slow me down so much. It's all I can do to keep up with life, let alone these stupid court cases and the demands they put on me. Now I've got two houses that have to be repaired for sale. Writing a book is the last thing I need to add to my plate right now. But I'll keep writing to you, my friend. You keep me grounded. :angel:

I went to see my son and grandchildren yesterday evening. I had to go my the attorney's office and they are so close that I stopped by on my way home. They had just come in from visiting a friend. I ended up spending the evening with them and tucking the kids into bed. They are so precious. I wish I could do that every night. Well, maybe someday I can. They need a bigger house and I don't need a mortgage payment. It'd be nice if we could find a big spread with a big house and mother-in-law's quarters. Between us, maybe we could afford it. They'd have a built-in babysitter and I'd have built-in care if I needed it...at least someone would know if I fell or couldn't get out of bed or something. I'd be missed a lot sooner.

I need to get going here. I've got several errands to run today. Keep your chin up, your head low and watch your back. :jester: :)

Seriously, be careful.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

Oh, WOW! I'm sooooooooo glad to hear you got your new place. I can't believe you had to get lawyers involved to get approved! The stigma of mental health issues?!?! How and where are people supposed to live? It's not like you're a pyromanic or ax murderer!

I get so frustrated and disgusted with the abuses and descriminations prepetrated against people because of one thing or another. I was talking to a friend up in Jersey yesterday who's been having a terrible time due to racial descrimination. Poor thing's going to loose her home. She's trying to sell before they foreclose, but won't have anything left for a down on another place. I told her she needs to come to Houston. This town is awesome for diversity and the African-American community is really growing.

I was thinking of a novel based on a true story. Granted, a book or booklet in the self-help or psychology section isn't a bad idea either, but there are so many people who don't look there. Like I said, how many Borderlines are walking around undiagnosed today living in misery because they don't know anything's wrong with them. They've had some really bad luck when it comes to relationships. Their childhood sucked and they've had a few problems, but they're really great people. It's just that no one else can seem to see that. That's where I was only a few months ago. If I couldn't add 2+2 and read between the lines and then have the courage to admit what I saw, I'd still be there...in denial.

Perhaps, by reading a novel based on a true story, something that they would normally pick up and read, they might actually see themselves for the first time. With the door cracked open and the light turned on so they can see their reflection in that mirror, they can start their own recovery process. Because this story has a good ending, they find encouragement. They learn that being BPD is not an emotional death sentence. They discover that there is hope for a healthy life and recovery.

Now I'm far from recovered at this point, but I'm determined to get there because I want to show others the way. See, this isn't just for me. This is for everyone who's struggling with this cruel and insidious disease. It's like a cancer that eats your life up right before your eyes and you don't even know it's there. But as soon as you do know it's there, you can fight it. The tools are different than radiation and chemo, but the ultimate healing and the determination to get there are the same.

If there's anyone who's reading this thread and is helped by what we say here, then I'm fulfilling a purpose for having this disease. I learned this lesson from my friend who died recently from cancer. Her legacy lives on because she has saved the lives of so many people from Melanoma who went to their doctors and got checked after hearing her story and touched so many other lives by her amazing faith. I love ya, Jules. :angel:

So this BPD doesn't kill you, but it kills so much of your hope and happiness; it kills most all of your relationships; it kills your dreams of a good life surrounded by family and friends. It kills the kind of life you were destined to have and replaces it with one of sorrow, pain, misery, a broken heart and promises, emptiness, and all the rest of the garbage that comes with being BPD. Until you find out you have BPD and start taking your life back.

Is it easy? No. Fighting cancer's not easy. Life's not easy. Will there be bad days when you fail to meet your goals? Yes. No one's perfect and Rome wasn't built in a day. Will you always struggle with BPD? Perhaps, but you will learn what your triggers are and, with practice, how to avoid the pitfalls. In time you will be able to withstand the temptations to revert to old behaviors more easily. Some can be very subtle, but you learn to recognize them more quickly with time. So it's not that the temptations may ever go away, but that you become more and more able to withstand them and make healthy choices for yourself and those you love.

How do I know this? Because I'm putting these things into practice in my own life. I don't have a long track record yet, but I hope to report back in three months, six months and a year from now that this has worked brilliantly and continues to work better with each passing day. So far, so good and I've been at it for over a month now.

Another thing that might get a book off the ground someday is that I'm very longwinded. :) Please stay tuned for another chapter...:jester:

Well, kiddo, take care. I know you'll do the right thing about the emails. Like I said, it's not evil to protect yourself or another person.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hey Lil :wave:

I'm excited for you! You're finally getting away from that creep. :p Give him one of those on your way out the door. Just be sure he doesn't follow you. Lord knows who all that man has done this to and what happened to them.

I have an idea, maybe we should co-author? We can call it "Babble from the Border...[SIZE="1"]lines[/SIZE]" :) Catchy, eh? :jester: It can be a compilation of our conversations, then we can sign each other's copy.

You know what concerns me; this could be a BPD trip...thinking about writing a book or even starting to and never finishing. I've always done better in a structured setting where I didn't have to depend upon me for my own goals. Life is very demanding in this regard nowadays. Even when my almost-ex was here, it was easier to establish a routine--of avoidance, but a routine. Now my days are my own and I never seem to accomplish what I should.

I am always behind schedule, if I even manage to make one. If I do start out with a list, I often forget to check the list and end up without some of what I needed, or I'll start so late that I only get part of what I should have done or a combination or both. I frustrate myself. I also know that the fatigue and fibro can act against me in these areas, so it's like a double whammy.

"When the dust settles" is music to my ears. I am so looking forward to all of this mess just being over. I would love for it all to work out in my favor, but I don't know what is in store. I've stopped trying to second guess God and just trust that things will be what they're supposed to be. But how's this? I'm excited about the future! I haven't been excited about the future in a long time because of the heavy, oppressive atmosphere of my home, but I am now. I told you my crossroads were all crossed up, but there's nothing but possibility before me. The heaviness and oppression are gone. I put into this home what is here now and that is: love, faith, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, joyfulness, and self-control.

You know, I'm not relying on a man to make me feel whole now. I don't think I'll ever fall into that trap again, at least, I hope not and I don't have the physical needs thanks to nerves that have been destroyed in my back. There is someone I rely on for wholeness, but not a man. Without my faith, I don't believe I'd have come this far in such a short time. I doubt I'd have even recognized the disease in my almost-ex let alone myself. I know I wouldn't be as willing to be so candid about myself.

No, I'd either still be stuck in a loveless, abusive marriage, dead, or I'd be on to the next guy already while waiting for the divorce. And that would be just because I could and because I needed financial help, but primarily because I needed the emotional high that comes from reeling in another catch, physical needs or not. Only the ones I could use, I didn't keep for long. I threw them back as soon as I was done. The ones I kept are the dirtbags that didn't deserve the gum off my shoes.

Well, I'm not willing to go there again on either count. I don't ever want to be with anyone ever again where the motive on either side is for "use and abuse" or what one can get or take from the other. Nothing good ever comes of it. It ends up hurting both people in the long run because you can't treat others like that and not have it affect you.

You see, I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe in consequences. I'm reaping the consequences for having chosen the man I did to marry, contrary to what I should have done and even though I'm sure I've been forgiven for it. So I'll live with the outcome as gracefully as I can trusting that all things are being made right and will be made right in their time. Maintaining this philosophy can save a lot of anger and upset over the disappointments in life. I don't always succeed, but I try.

Happy moving! Write when you get settled in your new place.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

I went to that class last night. What a trip! The guy teaching it is a really nice man, but not a public speaker. He stammered and hemmed and hawed around so much I was getting nervous for him. Two hours later, it was stick a fork in me...I'm done. Then there were my classmates...

He had us break up into groups of 3 to start and I was put with a woman who barely speaks English and an African American woman who acted like she'd rather eat dirt and die than sit next to the white cripple. I think I'd have almost rather been paired with the psychotic woman who said that she likes the concepts, but doesn't think she can do the work or be accountable to anyone to do it because of her psychosis. HELLO?!?! :dizzy: :eek: :bouncing:

Some of the people there just admitted to self-esteem problems and depression. I kept my mouth shut. I kept thinking, "Oh, no, you people are like a bag of trail mix already. I don't need to tell you that I'm BPD and just came out of an abusive marriage to a BPD spouse to add to your nuttiness." So I sat back and quietly listened and observed while people poured out their intimate lives in front of strangers and copped to being unfaithful and all manner of stuff.

I could be happy for the lady who said that she'd been unfaithful and whose husband had gone off on her and was taking Anger Management down the hall and all because they were trying to keep their marriage together...maybe...if that was the only time he'd been physical. But she also admitted to being clinically depressed. That doesn't make sence to me. If he's being good to her and things are getting worked out, why is she clinically depressed?

I get into these classes and eventually I find someone I can relate to and make friends. Or I end up mothering some schmuck who's totally upside down and backwards...not that I mind that so much, but sometimes I'd like a little mothering. People have always had a tendancy to tell me their problems and seek my advice though. I have a feeling you know the feeling.

You're the first person I ever felt I could share with and lean on when things are hard who understands wassup. Everyone who knows me doesn't even listen...except my therapist...maybe. I'm not ready to call her fully convinced yet. But she might be getting closer.

So I opened the mail yesterday and low and behold, both, there was a letter from my almost-ex. He's trying to get me to reimburse him for half of the car insurance...even though his sports car is more expensive. IF I have to reimburse him, it will only be for my prorata portion. But then the court order hasn't been signed yet, so I may not have to.

And he's also trying to get me to pay his past due phone bill saying he believes that some time ago he transferred the account into my name. Or was it him? Perhaps it was a magical transfer by the Easter Bunny? However, the bill is still coming to him and the phone company has never heard from him. They have records of my calls to them trying to change the account over. They won't give me the time of day because it's in HIS name. I said, "Oh, well. If he's not going to tell you to transfer the account over to me, then I can't agree to pay his past due amounts because you want me to swear that I'll do that when I take over the account and I can't do that yet...take over the account, that is." As far as I'm concerned, it's his problem. It'll go against his credit. I have a cell phone and that's all I really need for now. When his phone gets disconnected, I'll get a landline of my own. Am I tripping? Or is that a reasonable, normal reaction?

On a note of good news, I discovered yesterday that with the signed court order I can get the medical insurance to reflect my address seperate from him and they will begin paying me direct rather than remitting payments to him. Hallelujah! I have several things I need to remit to them for reimbursement.

Your landlady should receive the Oscar. BUT I'm going to guess that the nutball put her up to it. Of course she was shocked when she saw them at first! Who wouldn't be? But by now, he's put some b.s. spin on it and talked her into this to cover his backside. I can't begin to tell you the poo I was forced into out of fear. God only knows what he's done to her to make her say that. She may need rescue more than anything.

Listen, I love my cousin, but I really can't see myself moving up there with him and his wife and away from my son and grandbabies. I'm not a snowbunny. Didn't I tell you that it's my life's ambition to never again live where I can justify ownership of a furcoat? :jester:

I'm going to see if I can dodge the raindrops and get the mail in. Who knows what may be in there today?!?

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

Seems that the whole of North America has fallen into the deep freezer. Normally I make the effort and struggle to cover everything up and carry in, but last night I let the chips fall where they may. Think I lost a few things, but hopefully not much. I just couldn't bring myself to get out there and I looked up and down the street and no one else was covering up, so I risked it. If my avocado plant doesn't survive, I guess it'll be one less thing to move later. I just hope the hostas all make it.

How's your weather? Any more blizzards blow through? That's what I remember about living (briefly) in Calgary. I went to bed one night and it was 40 below with a 90 below wind chill factor! The snow was coming down sideways. I lived in the downstairs apartment. The windows started 3 feet off the ground and went up about 3 feet. When I awoke the next morning, the apartment was pitch black. The snow had drifted up over my windows! I grew up in the mid-west and we had cold and snow, but that was rediculous! I moved to Vancouver.

Well, tomorrow is another class. I don't know if I'm anxious to go or just anxious. :D I started the Divorce Recovery class last Thursday. I have to remember to take tissues to that class. WOW!!!! I was actually surprised at the number of guys that came and the depth of their pain and their willingness to share it. I could hardly talk...and didn't except once. Right off the bat they came in saying it would take us all an average of 3 to 5 years to fully recover from our divorces. She asked how that made us feel and I thought of the pain and choked back tears and said, "Fast-forward, please." Then I had to cry a little. It's part of the grieving process, ya know. :(

I'm hoping that these classes will help me kick start the recovery process. Being BPD, I can often compartmentalize or shut down or fail to recognize my true emotions. Do you know what I mean? I'm hoping that the classes will force me to take my true feelings out and look at them openly and honestly so I can grieve and rebuild my life and myself in a better way than I ever have coming out of a relationship before.

They were already talking about us getting involved in a singles group. Please... I don't need to go mix and mingle with other singles at this point or consider "dating" again right now. I just need to get me together, especially being BPD. The last thing I need is another relationship right now, if ever!

I haven't heard anything back from my attorney. He was going to call his attorney and tell him to have my almost-ex desist from contacting me directly...especially with demand letters. And he was going to let him know that I had no intention of paying his client's bills. You see, I could install phone service at his residence if I wanted if there was none there and there's nothing he could do about it, either. Strange, but true.

The fact is, if and when he does call and transfer the service, I am trying to get a combo plan for satalite TV, internet and phone that's cheaper than what I'm getting now for cable TV, internet and security. I just can't make any changes until it's in my name.

I had all of these great intentions of getting up and going to church this morning, but I guess the cold kept me awake. I ended up watching all of these old Greer Garson movies into the wee hours. She was fabulous.

Well, I guess I should go do my patriotic duty and watch a little of the playoffs so I know who I like for the Superbowl.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

Well, the cat's out the bag now! (pun intended) ;) Soooooooo, we have a boyfriend????????? Pray tell???? How long has this been going on? And why has he not joined the rest of the world in this century on the internet???

I don't doubt for a New York minute the 20 miles or the snow. :D But I wouldn't be so sure that he's the last of the Mohicans. He may just be a Shell station on the Route 66 of life. After all, you're not sporting hardware like a walker or wheelchair to add to the attraction, and you don't have a third eye growing in the middle of your forehead, do you? :eek:

As well balanced as you've become, it is entirely possible that you could have a wonderful relationship with someone in the future. Don't relegate yourself solely to the land of fruits and nutz for companionship in the romance department. That's doing a ME and setting yourself up for failure before you begin. Don't do that! Stop it! :angel:

So I went to the Purpose class last night and had a really pleasant surprise! There was another teacher. A lovely young lady who was bright and energetic and articulate and kept it going. She didn't stumble around and was just a joy to listen to. What a relief. I learned that they are going to rotate teachers, so I guess that means that the guy may be back again next week or we might have someone else.

Anyway, I'm off to Divorce Recovery again on Thursday. Interestingly, there is a workbook we're supposed to be using daily and the bookstore doesn't have it in and no word when they'll have it. To order it online you have to get 4 at a time. Whassup with that? Oh, well! They knew they were having this class. It should have been a given to have the necessary material available. Well, you'd think, wouldn't you? Silly me...expecting people to do their J-O-B-S.

Girl, you wouldn't believe what I did to myself. I look like a semi-blond pumpkin. Talk about failed chemistry experiments. I decided I couldn't stand myself not having hightlights anymore and because I can't afford to have a salon do them and I can't see to use a cap and pull through, not to mention keep my arms up that long, I got this kit that I don't normally use that is brush-on. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :jester: and I actually went out like that yesterday!!!! I don't know how to fix this unless I try stripping the rest of the color or color over it. I may have to bite the bullet and go to a salon after all and have them fix it. :p

I just hope no one takes my picture like this. Or maybe I should get a picture and hang it up in the bathroom as a reminder: REMEMBER!!!! :jester:
I kinda look like this clown we had on TV when I was a kid...only thing missing is the red rubber nose.

Do you follow American football? Will you be watching the Superbowl? If so, who do you think will win? The NY Giants or the NE Patriots? Is it a BPD thing to always want to root for the underdog? Vat do you tink, Miz. Freud?

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil,

Well, I'm trying to muster up courage to color my hair today. I bought a champagne blonde, not ash but not golden either. I just want to turn down the red. My Irish is showing too much. I'm afraid to bleach out more color on top of what I've already done from the first highlighting kit. I don't want to burn my hair...it's already very short. If I burn it, I'll have to shave my head and won't that be a sight?!!? :jester:

It actually didn't come out very streaky like highlighting because of the missing cap business and my hair being so short I suppose. It's a little blond in front where I'm more silver/gray, but the back and crown are RED :o
more than my very redheaded cousins. soooooooooo

Don't let that weirdo landlord dictate the rest of your romantic life. My goodness, he's not worth a thought in that department. He's just an aberation in his own mind.

Six years is a long time to be "hanging out" with a guy...and really, no computer? Who doesn't have a computer nowadays? The first thing my almost-ex did after he left was go get another computer. I know this because his letter to me was typed. Oh, did I tell you he wrote me a demand letter wanting me to pay some bills? I think I did, but anyway, they're still sitting here.

Borderline that I am, I am so very tempted to root for Eli Manning (Peyton's little brother) and the NY Giants in the Superbowl against Tom Brady and the NE Patriots who just came out of a perfect season with zero, nada, zip, zilch never been done in the history of professional football losses. Of course, Wildcard teams are 4 for 4 in their Superbowl appearances so perhaps they're hungrier going in. There are only 3 with Superbowl experience on the Giants team and there are something like 20 on the Patriots team. Will the Giants be nervous about being in the big show? Or will they be hungrier for the prize? Will the experience serve the Patriots well or will it hinder them and make them lazy? And why is Tom Brady sporting a soft cast on his foot and all laid up with his girlfriend right now? BPD sports fans want to know....

Well, kiddo, I'll let you think about that while I see if this stuff turns me green. :D Does that make me a 6 ft. tall leprechaun :D if it does?

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

Faith 'n begora' I'm not a 6' tall leprechaun afterall! I am still showing my Irish through a lovely strawberry blond...not the color on the box...was supposed to be just blond - not red. But I guess there's no hiding genetics this time. I can live this.

It's ugly, nasty, wet, rainy and cold and everything I ws going to do today, forgetaboutit. I'm even still sitting in my pj's. They're warm and cozy.

No word from my attorney again about the phone or the move from my other house, etc., etc. This crud gets old. I'm thinking about moving his junk out of that house to my storage locker after I get my stuff out, paying one last months rent and saying move it or loose it. I don't know what my attorney would say about that, but I might run it by him.

I'm sorry to hear you lost your Mom from cancer. I did, too, a little over 7 years ago to brain cancer. Mercifully, it was very quick and she didn't suffer much pain. Also, we were able to keep her at home. Home and family was always so important to her.

You know I was picking on you about the boyfriend, right? I like to tease. Hope I didn't pick too hard.

You'd think as many times as I've been burned in relationships, that I'd be untrusting, too. Basically, I trust everyone until they hurt me, then I don't trust them at all. That goes double for men. But I'm a very forgiving person. I have to be. Afterall, I'm at least half if not more of the problem. I did pick these guys to get involved with and I am BPD so who knows who is yanking whose chain? How's that for convoluted philosophy? Take that, Dr. Phil! :D

Oh, so I went to the Divorce Recovery meeting last night. Hey, there was a guy there who is actually worse off than I am. He is/was a pilot. He quit his job because the divorce messed him up so bad he couldn't fly. He said he couldn't risk taking people's lives into his hands like that. He says he can't seem to do anything without thinking about her...it's like he's totally obsessed. He can't go out to eat, drive down the sreet, or even empty a box without coming across something that triggers a memory and starts him spinning out of control. He's really jacked up...and he's just a kid. It's really sad. See, another underdog for me to feel for.

Speaking of which, I'm going to see if Brady comes back for the game on Feb. 3 or if that ankle sprain or foot injury keeps him out of the game. That could alter the underdog status considerably, though I'll probably still pull for little bro Manning. After all, with Poppa Archie and big bro Peyton, Eli has an awful lot to live up to. ;)

Well, I guess I should get something done today. Maybe I'll see if I can find the wood on my kitchen table. It looks like IRS central right now. The dining room is divorce central. Maybe I can combine the two; put one on one end of the dining room and the other on the other end. At least then I'd have one clear table to eat off of...how novel is that?

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Houston....:angel:

I hope you made it to class tonight.

Yes, I know it's almost 3 in the morning...I had a long day, and had to have a nap:)

I hear you about your stuff, Houston....I have stuff of my Mom's too. Not alot...but it's all very Mom stuff.

The faster you can get all this done, the faster you can build your own "nest". That's one thing I do like about living alone...everything is my taste. I like my taste, I think I have good taste.;)

My Mom was a lousy mother in a lot of ways...she was an alcoholic, and more or less ignored my sister and I. I now know that she was BPD, and had huge coping problems. The one thing that she always said to me is "don't lie to me, no matter what you've done, I can help you, but if you lie...we're both gonna look like idiots." It made sense (we BPD are very logical, you know) and I never lied to her. Never got in much trouble for that matter...she took all the fun out of it. It's no fun getting into trouble when you know that your Mom has your back, and you feel totally secure about that. So, I don't like liars.:D

Jewish penicillin has been around longer than Aspirin, so I guess it makes sense.....nothing tastes better when you feel lousy.

I think I need to go to bed.

Feel better....

Love ya..:angel:

Lil





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