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Hi, Lil! :wave:

I did two things yesterday that were positive: I stayed away from the all foods that I'm allergic to and I had one glass of red wine (per my cardiologist) with a lovely roasted chicken Ceaser salad that I also threw a little fresh spinich into for dinner. I was very heart-health conscience. I got some good motivation. When I finally turned on the TV yesterday, I heard a report about increased incidents of heart attacks during the holiday season-Thanksgiving through New Years-due to over-eating, over-indulgence in drinking, stress and lack of exercise. Throw into the mix a divorce and sudden realization of a mental health issue and my already nervous cardiologist because of the prior angina and current arythmia, and I figured I was one step away from trouble. So anyway, that was enough to scare me "straight" so to speak. On the up side, I have gained 5 of the 14 pounds that I'd lost. I actually had to wear my size 4 jeans yesterday rather than the 2's or the 0's because I've got a little tummy.

Besides, I've seen the results of open heart and by-pass surgery. It really destroys one's ability to wear anything with a scooped or v-neck or bathing suits, shorts or even capri's with a by-pass because you're left with a long scar down your leg from the vein removal to create the by-pass material. It's wicked ugly.

I'll give that to my shrink; she did help me discover that "control" that was being exercised over me and pretty much why it was happening. It was through prayer and talking to her and another psychologist friend, introspection and talking with people here on this Board that I was finally able to break free from my husband's control. I know that I never want to be in that kind of situation again and, although I'm lonely right now, I am using this time to get through the divorce and find healing and me.

I had to peel through a lot of layers to get me closer to the surface before I could say "no more" and stop the violence. I already recognized that I was half of the problem by allowing him to behave the way he did. I was on a journey to find out all the why's of our relationship and also the if's--like if it was fixable--when I came across BPD. The definition was my husband, plus maybe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was so busy learning about BPD for him that I kept pushing back the little voice inside that was saying, "Pay attention. This is for you, too." But it's only fixable if both parties acknowledge they are responsible and work together to fix their problems by fixing communication and their individual issues in the case of violence, anger management, co-dependence and BPD or whatever the issues are.

When he finally was gone and I was safely back in my home alone, I couldn't deny it anymore. It had been eating at me for weeks and simmering under the surface, but when I was finally alone, I couldn't push it away any longer. I knew that if I wanted to get better, the first thing I had to do, was admit what I was openly. That's when I came back here and made my "confession" of my realization. Once you speak something out, you can never pull it back in. So now I can never deny the truth again.

My poor mother. When I think of what I put her through, I just cry--the rages, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, running away, dropping out of school, etc. I think she must have prayed for years that God would just keep me from being killed by my stupidity and wild behavior. I'm so very glad that we were able to be in close relationship with each other after I grew up and left home. But I know even then I worried her with my failed relationships and the effects they had on my son. I did go back to school, by the way, and managed to still graduate with my class. :) Thank God, I wasn't a total idiot. I even went on to college and did rather well, graduating with honors and 3.84 GPA.

I'm sorry about your Dad. That had to have been hard. Kids always internalize the problems between their parents. That's just how kids are. I blamed myself for my father's leaving. My mother used to talk about how happy they'd been early on in their marriage and how idyllic it had been until they bought the house and we kids came along. She said he changed after that. Now if your the kid, what would you think? I don't think she meant anything by it; it was more likely just time frame reference, but I took it to heart. By then, being the oldest, I was also held responsible for anything and everything that happened. Regardless of who had done what, I was going to get a spanking. I resented the heck out of that and my sibling.

A few years after my father left, I experienced sexual molestation at the hands of a relative. This went on for years. I was terrified of him and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they wouldn't believe me or that I would be punished like I always was for whatever went wrong. So I kept my mouth shut. During this time another relative began molesting me, too, and then he tried to rape me. I managed to get away from him though. It was like I had a sign on my head. These two relatives were close, so I now wonder if they hadn't talked. In any case, as I got old enough to be alone, I began refusing to go to family gatherings when I knew they'd be there. Then I pushed the memories of what they'd done so far down that I didn't remember them ever again until I was almost 40 years old.

I thought then that was why I had acted out when I was a teenager, end of story. But I failed to recognize the continuing impact and repeated behavior problems throughout my adult life that I now recognize as BPD. I think I can see now that my father's leaving, my mother holding me overly accountable, and the sexual molestations, were most likely working together as catalysts to my becoming BPD as a young teenager.

What do you think, Lil? Have I hit this nail on the head?

:angel:

Houston

PS: You have every right to feel proud of yourself. You're doing a great job of taking care of yourself and others, too. Frankly, I don't know where I'd be without you. Love ya. :angel: H
Hi Houston.....:angel:

Hit the nail on the head? You drove it in with a nail gun! Wow!

You have done some very hard work, my friend. Some people would be too frightened to go where you've gone.

Try not to feel guilty....traumas that you are not responsible for, led you to become BPD. You have taken responsibility for your part in the events that occurred, that is what is important.

How is your son with this? Has he noticed his "New and Improved" Mom?

It is possible, that as you move toward peace in your life (yes, it can happen) that your physical ailments could improve....even a little.

Healthier mind sometimes=healthier body.:)

I know that you are going through hell right now, but reading your posts almost makes me cry. You are on your way.....it won't be an easy life, but it will be gratifying....because you are making you happy.

I hope you're proud of youself....if not, I'll smack you:jester:

Love ya, Houston:angel:

Lil
Hi Lil :wave:

[QUOTE=
You don't sound afraid of the dealings with your husband any more....interesting.....:)

Just very matter of fact.
Lil[/QUOTE]

I don't? :confused: WOW! I wish you'd tell that to the butterflies and sick feeling in my stomach. Everytime I think of having to face him again, even in court, I just want to hurl. No call from my attorney yesterday, so we're on for Monday.

Everything I ate last night made me ill to the point I was tempted to stick my finger down my throat just to get the alien creature out, but I didn't. I just held on until the pain passed several hours later. It wasn't that I ate anything bad for me either: apples with cheese, roasted chicken breast with salad and a glass of red wine. Earlier in the day I'd had some cottage cheese with fresh pineapple and a container of organic yogurt. It had to be nerves.

I push dairy for my bones. My bones were thining several years ago. I had osteopenia, the forerunner of osteoporosis. I'd been taking calcium, but then I started taking massive doses of Vit. D and magnesium suppliments and eating more dairy. The last bone scan I had was normal. Yeah!

Chapter 2 Quotes:

"Isn't it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth! ...we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards. Because our performance and ability to please others so dominates our search for significance, we have difficulty recognizing the distinction between our real identity and the way we behave, a realization crucial to understanding our true worth.

"Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves. ...if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that come from such instability.

"Sometimes our behavior changes what we believe about ourselves. If, for instance, we succeed in a task at which we initially believed we would fail, our confidence may begin to grow and expand to other areas of our lives. Our feelings, behavior, and beliefs all interact to shape our lives.

"Our home environment plays a central role in forming our beliefs and emotions. These can have a powerful impact on our outlook and behavior.

"Our attempts to meet our needs for success and approval fall into two broad categories: compulsiveness and withdrawal.

"When we base our security on success and others' opinions, we become dependent on our abilities to perform and please others. We develop a have-to mentality: I have to do well on this exam (or my security as a good student will be threatened); I have to make that deal (or my boss will think I am a failure); my father (or mother, spouse, or friend) has to apprecite me and be happy with my decisions (because I cannot cope with that person's disapproval).

"Our self-esteem and our beliefs .... are usually a mirror of our parents' attitudes toward us. Those who are loved and affirmed by their parents tend to have a fairly healthy self-concept and usually find it easy to believe that ..... is loving and powerful. Those whose parents have been neglectful, manipulative, or condemning usually seem to feel that they have to earn a sense of worth and that ...... is aloof, demanding, and/or cruel.

"When we do not have that fundamental sense of feeling lovable and protected by [our parents], we tend to base our self-worth on how well we perform and please others."

Next I get into the meat and potatoes of Chapters 3-10. Chapters 3-4 are about The Performance Trap: the fear of failure, etc. That's been the story of my scholastic and career life at the very least.

I'm looking forward to further dissection. I've learned that even though it may be initially painful to uncover some of the old garbage stored in the dark corners of my emotional basement, the house stinks less when I haul that nasty stuff out into the yard and deal with it. A lot of it isn't worth keeping and needs to be tossed out [incorrect memories/distortions and fears]. Some of it, perhaps a great deal of it, just needs to be washed off and/or aired out and seen in the light of day [forgiveness and truth].

As much as some mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances, there are many more caused by unhealed emotional pain. I've read the books and what-have-you from distraught parents with BPD children saying that they just don't know what has caused this in their child, but as sure as I'm sitting here, there has to be a link to trauma and unhealed emotional pain.

My mother would have said she knew nothing about it, other than my father's leaving, and she'd have been right. She'd not have recognized her own part in it at all, nor would she have known about the abuse. She couldn't understand why I was having problems as a young teenager and so she did what she knew to do and dragged me off for counseling with a trusted youth worker. The only problem with that was, he was into young girls and tried to get to me during "hyponsis" that I faked my way through until he pulled his little stunt. Being the untrusting sole that I was, I didn't think she'd believe me and I knew he'd deny it, so I just threw my usual fit and refused to go back. Interestingly, several years later he left his wife and family to marry a contemporary of my younger sib's who I believe had been in counseling with him a year or so before. He waited for her to turn 18 before dumping his wife.

So, no, it wasn't my imagination. I told you I'm not bad looking. I was a fashion model by the time I was 13 until I was 25. I gave it up when the really good jobs were going to children like me when I started. I'm close to 6 ft. tall and I looked liked a cross between Twiggy [eyes & hair--mine's even shorter now] and Cheryl Tiegs [build & smile] early on [60's & 70's]. I haven't changed that much, except to age a bit [a little silver in the hair; a line or two on the face, but I can still pass for mid-30's and I'm in my mid-50's]. Boys and boyfriends in school came hard for me [boys-they never ask the really pretty ones or the ugly ones out--just the cute ones], but men always found me attractive--too attractive when I was a baby comparatively speaking--and they've always come easy...at least, the wrong ones have.

Subsequently, except for one very brave, very short orthodox Jewish senior boy who asked me over after school one day and whose parents were totally appalled at his asking a 6 ft. tall non-orthodox freshman girl anywhere without her family's knowledge, permission or proper supervision (OY!), I didn't really date anyone at my school. And of everyone I've ever met, him I probably should have hung onto, making a conversion to orthodox. lol I'm kidding. I had a few friends that I hung out with, males included, but no romantic relationships. Those were forged elsewhere, usually with guys who were seniors at other schools or college aged.

It's nice to not be pressured by the demands of a relationship right now, or even the desire for one. I'm good just being here and being me alone for a change. It was a little scary at first, but I'm getting used to it now. I'm having a little trouble structuring my days, but I know that, and I know I'll get it together. It's all part of the healing process, I think.

Coming here to the Board everyday and sharing what I've learned and the insights into my past is very cathartic. I really feel it is helping me to work through things more quickly. It's one thing to think something, but it's totally another to see it in black & white. And then with the feedback, it's just all so affirming and reinforcing. :) I feel good! I like the work I'm doing here. :cool:

Until next time, thanks for everything.

:angel:

Houston
[QUOTE]The scary situation, is a landlord, who wants to have an affair with me....I very innocently asked him to fix my vacuum (in front of his wife)....he did....then I started getting e-mails, asking about "payment". He wanted to have coffee and cookies with me.....in bed.

His first wife died in a mysterious fire....apparently, he was suspected.

I am supposed to be moving Jan 1, but don't even know if I have been approved for the apartment I applied for yet. (He doesn't know that I'm moving....he has access to my apartment, and all my stuff.)

Strange things have happened....I had a fish, that just disappeared...the tank was totally intact....but the fish was gone.....a severed phone cord...a clean cut.....stuff like that.

I would like my rent deposit back, but I haven't given notice. I know I could get it back.....but do I want to be evil to get it back?

[/QUOTE]

OMG!!!:eek: This guy is a total NUT job!!! Obviously, you HAVE to MOVE!
but, the other place would have called by now, don't you think? Why don't you call them? Then you can start looking again if you need to.

I'm with you on the "no notice" idea. It would be nice to get your deposit back, but is it worth possibly risking your life or the rest of your possessions? Did you make a report to the police when your fish disappeared and the phone line was cut? Have you kept the emails? Do not consider it evil to protect yourself from this nutball by reporting his actions to the police and getting a Protective Order if you have the evidence. I'd probably have it done as soon as I knew I was ready to move, maybe a day or two to a week in advance, assuming I didn't have to leave the apartment at all. It might possibly get your deposit back and get you out of a dangerous situation and keep him at bay.

By the way, I don't think I would consider it evil to tell his wife about the fish and phone cord and hand her the emails on the way out the door, either. I'd tell her that this is why you didn't feel you could give notice and you understand if she doesn't give your deposit back, but you're also telling her this because she needs to know what her husband is up to and that you fear for her safety. You may actually save her life by opening her eyes. Of course, I'd try to do this when he's not there.

This is a perfect example where you can be an inspiration inspite of your disease. Several years ago you might have made other unhealthy choices in this situation. Now you're stepping back and trying to find the healthy choice for yourself and possibly for others, too.

If you tell her and something happens to her anyway, you have to know that you did all you could. She's responsible for her own choices after she gets the information. The main thing is that you tried and that you're safe.

Thanks for the accolades on my homespun hypothesis. You sure know how to make a girl feel good. :)

It would be awesome to write a book and be published. I always thought I'd like to write one on eschatology...that's the study of the last days prophecies in the Bible...a real favorite of mine. But perhaps I should start with an autobiography of sorts to explain BPD from the discovery/recovery perspective of the patient. Everything on the shelves is written by doctors. No one has written anything from the patient's perspective. They put little snippets in--quotes and what-have-you, but relatively little. While I like "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," it's still written by doctors and contains little snippets from patients and/or stories of their situations. How many people are there like me who've gone most of their lives undiagnosed and miserable from one failed relationship to another and can't put the whole picture together with other problems they've had or have in their lives? How many people might pick up a novel based on a true story before they'd pick up a book in the self-help or psychology sections? I can't work, but I can sit at the computer a few minutes at a time. Fortunately, I type fast so I can get my thoughts out quickly, take a break and come back. Like this paragraph: I started by typing the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 10th and 11th sentences, took a break, then came back and filled in the rest of my thoughts I had while I was getting more coffee.

I have such a hard time following through with anything these days, that's probably just a pipe dream...all of it. The fatigue and fibro slow me down so much. It's all I can do to keep up with life, let alone these stupid court cases and the demands they put on me. Now I've got two houses that have to be repaired for sale. Writing a book is the last thing I need to add to my plate right now. But I'll keep writing to you, my friend. You keep me grounded. :angel:

I went to see my son and grandchildren yesterday evening. I had to go my the attorney's office and they are so close that I stopped by on my way home. They had just come in from visiting a friend. I ended up spending the evening with them and tucking the kids into bed. They are so precious. I wish I could do that every night. Well, maybe someday I can. They need a bigger house and I don't need a mortgage payment. It'd be nice if we could find a big spread with a big house and mother-in-law's quarters. Between us, maybe we could afford it. They'd have a built-in babysitter and I'd have built-in care if I needed it...at least someone would know if I fell or couldn't get out of bed or something. I'd be missed a lot sooner.

I need to get going here. I've got several errands to run today. Keep your chin up, your head low and watch your back. :jester: :)

Seriously, be careful.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston
Hi Lil :wave:

Oh, WOW! I'm sooooooooo glad to hear you got your new place. I can't believe you had to get lawyers involved to get approved! The stigma of mental health issues?!?! How and where are people supposed to live? It's not like you're a pyromanic or ax murderer!

I get so frustrated and disgusted with the abuses and descriminations prepetrated against people because of one thing or another. I was talking to a friend up in Jersey yesterday who's been having a terrible time due to racial descrimination. Poor thing's going to loose her home. She's trying to sell before they foreclose, but won't have anything left for a down on another place. I told her she needs to come to Houston. This town is awesome for diversity and the African-American community is really growing.

I was thinking of a novel based on a true story. Granted, a book or booklet in the self-help or psychology section isn't a bad idea either, but there are so many people who don't look there. Like I said, how many Borderlines are walking around undiagnosed today living in misery because they don't know anything's wrong with them. They've had some really bad luck when it comes to relationships. Their childhood sucked and they've had a few problems, but they're really great people. It's just that no one else can seem to see that. That's where I was only a few months ago. If I couldn't add 2+2 and read between the lines and then have the courage to admit what I saw, I'd still be there...in denial.

Perhaps, by reading a novel based on a true story, something that they would normally pick up and read, they might actually see themselves for the first time. With the door cracked open and the light turned on so they can see their reflection in that mirror, they can start their own recovery process. Because this story has a good ending, they find encouragement. They learn that being BPD is not an emotional death sentence. They discover that there is hope for a healthy life and recovery.

Now I'm far from recovered at this point, but I'm determined to get there because I want to show others the way. See, this isn't just for me. This is for everyone who's struggling with this cruel and insidious disease. It's like a cancer that eats your life up right before your eyes and you don't even know it's there. But as soon as you do know it's there, you can fight it. The tools are different than radiation and chemo, but the ultimate healing and the determination to get there are the same.

If there's anyone who's reading this thread and is helped by what we say here, then I'm fulfilling a purpose for having this disease. I learned this lesson from my friend who died recently from cancer. Her legacy lives on because she has saved the lives of so many people from Melanoma who went to their doctors and got checked after hearing her story and touched so many other lives by her amazing faith. I love ya, Jules. :angel:

So this BPD doesn't kill you, but it kills so much of your hope and happiness; it kills most all of your relationships; it kills your dreams of a good life surrounded by family and friends. It kills the kind of life you were destined to have and replaces it with one of sorrow, pain, misery, a broken heart and promises, emptiness, and all the rest of the garbage that comes with being BPD. Until you find out you have BPD and start taking your life back.

Is it easy? No. Fighting cancer's not easy. Life's not easy. Will there be bad days when you fail to meet your goals? Yes. No one's perfect and Rome wasn't built in a day. Will you always struggle with BPD? Perhaps, but you will learn what your triggers are and, with practice, how to avoid the pitfalls. In time you will be able to withstand the temptations to revert to old behaviors more easily. Some can be very subtle, but you learn to recognize them more quickly with time. So it's not that the temptations may ever go away, but that you become more and more able to withstand them and make healthy choices for yourself and those you love.

How do I know this? Because I'm putting these things into practice in my own life. I don't have a long track record yet, but I hope to report back in three months, six months and a year from now that this has worked brilliantly and continues to work better with each passing day. So far, so good and I've been at it for over a month now.

Another thing that might get a book off the ground someday is that I'm very longwinded. :) Please stay tuned for another chapter...:jester:

Well, kiddo, take care. I know you'll do the right thing about the emails. Like I said, it's not evil to protect yourself or another person.

Love ya, Lil :angel:

Houston





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