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Hi, Lil! :wave:

I did two things yesterday that were positive: I stayed away from the all foods that I'm allergic to and I had one glass of red wine (per my cardiologist) with a lovely roasted chicken Ceaser salad that I also threw a little fresh spinich into for dinner. I was very heart-health conscience. I got some good motivation. When I finally turned on the TV yesterday, I heard a report about increased incidents of heart attacks during the holiday season-Thanksgiving through New Years-due to over-eating, over-indulgence in drinking, stress and lack of exercise. Throw into the mix a divorce and sudden realization of a mental health issue and my already nervous cardiologist because of the prior angina and current arythmia, and I figured I was one step away from trouble. So anyway, that was enough to scare me "straight" so to speak. On the up side, I have gained 5 of the 14 pounds that I'd lost. I actually had to wear my size 4 jeans yesterday rather than the 2's or the 0's because I've got a little tummy.

Besides, I've seen the results of open heart and by-pass surgery. It really destroys one's ability to wear anything with a scooped or v-neck or bathing suits, shorts or even capri's with a by-pass because you're left with a long scar down your leg from the vein removal to create the by-pass material. It's wicked ugly.

I'll give that to my shrink; she did help me discover that "control" that was being exercised over me and pretty much why it was happening. It was through prayer and talking to her and another psychologist friend, introspection and talking with people here on this Board that I was finally able to break free from my husband's control. I know that I never want to be in that kind of situation again and, although I'm lonely right now, I am using this time to get through the divorce and find healing and me.

I had to peel through a lot of layers to get me closer to the surface before I could say "no more" and stop the violence. I already recognized that I was half of the problem by allowing him to behave the way he did. I was on a journey to find out all the why's of our relationship and also the if's--like if it was fixable--when I came across BPD. The definition was my husband, plus maybe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was so busy learning about BPD for him that I kept pushing back the little voice inside that was saying, "Pay attention. This is for you, too." But it's only fixable if both parties acknowledge they are responsible and work together to fix their problems by fixing communication and their individual issues in the case of violence, anger management, co-dependence and BPD or whatever the issues are.

When he finally was gone and I was safely back in my home alone, I couldn't deny it anymore. It had been eating at me for weeks and simmering under the surface, but when I was finally alone, I couldn't push it away any longer. I knew that if I wanted to get better, the first thing I had to do, was admit what I was openly. That's when I came back here and made my "confession" of my realization. Once you speak something out, you can never pull it back in. So now I can never deny the truth again.

My poor mother. When I think of what I put her through, I just cry--the rages, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, running away, dropping out of school, etc. I think she must have prayed for years that God would just keep me from being killed by my stupidity and wild behavior. I'm so very glad that we were able to be in close relationship with each other after I grew up and left home. But I know even then I worried her with my failed relationships and the effects they had on my son. I did go back to school, by the way, and managed to still graduate with my class. :) Thank God, I wasn't a total idiot. I even went on to college and did rather well, graduating with honors and 3.84 GPA.

I'm sorry about your Dad. That had to have been hard. Kids always internalize the problems between their parents. That's just how kids are. I blamed myself for my father's leaving. My mother used to talk about how happy they'd been early on in their marriage and how idyllic it had been until they bought the house and we kids came along. She said he changed after that. Now if your the kid, what would you think? I don't think she meant anything by it; it was more likely just time frame reference, but I took it to heart. By then, being the oldest, I was also held responsible for anything and everything that happened. Regardless of who had done what, I was going to get a spanking. I resented the heck out of that and my sibling.

A few years after my father left, I experienced sexual molestation at the hands of a relative. This went on for years. I was terrified of him and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they wouldn't believe me or that I would be punished like I always was for whatever went wrong. So I kept my mouth shut. During this time another relative began molesting me, too, and then he tried to rape me. I managed to get away from him though. It was like I had a sign on my head. These two relatives were close, so I now wonder if they hadn't talked. In any case, as I got old enough to be alone, I began refusing to go to family gatherings when I knew they'd be there. Then I pushed the memories of what they'd done so far down that I didn't remember them ever again until I was almost 40 years old.

I thought then that was why I had acted out when I was a teenager, end of story. But I failed to recognize the continuing impact and repeated behavior problems throughout my adult life that I now recognize as BPD. I think I can see now that my father's leaving, my mother holding me overly accountable, and the sexual molestations, were most likely working together as catalysts to my becoming BPD as a young teenager.

What do you think, Lil? Have I hit this nail on the head?



PS: You have every right to feel proud of yourself. You're doing a great job of taking care of yourself and others, too. Frankly, I don't know where I'd be without you. Love ya. :angel: H

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