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Hi Everyone :wave:

Since this board is only for patients, call me Dunsten. I'm checking in. Hello again. I've been on the lam...laying low...hiding out...cheesing it. Actually, I've been living with my son for the past several weeks (almost month)waiting for him to get comfortable with the idea of me being alone. The first week wasn't happening after he, my BPD SO, threatened to kill my son. The second week I had Temporary Orders and a court date the following week. The third week I found out he'd hired a top gun, but he still had the nerve to show up at court pretending to be a cripple; in fact he did his best to imitate me. Is that anywhere in the PBD book? By the way, for the record it is possible to be BPD and be in relationship with a BPD, ergo I'm Dunsten.

I've checked into my solitary confinement luney bin for the BPD which has me bouncing off the walls. We aren't designed to be alone, are we? I just realized that I could do "alone" when my son was small because he was there. But I've never done alone alone. Not for an extended period. Any ideas on how to survive this will be most appreciated and welcomed.

Blessings, :angel:

Hi Lil :wave:

You don't sound afraid of the dealings with your husband any more....interesting.....:)

Just very matter of fact.

I don't? :confused: WOW! I wish you'd tell that to the butterflies and sick feeling in my stomach. Everytime I think of having to face him again, even in court, I just want to hurl. No call from my attorney yesterday, so we're on for Monday.

Everything I ate last night made me ill to the point I was tempted to stick my finger down my throat just to get the alien creature out, but I didn't. I just held on until the pain passed several hours later. It wasn't that I ate anything bad for me either: apples with cheese, roasted chicken breast with salad and a glass of red wine. Earlier in the day I'd had some cottage cheese with fresh pineapple and a container of organic yogurt. It had to be nerves.

I push dairy for my bones. My bones were thining several years ago. I had osteopenia, the forerunner of osteoporosis. I'd been taking calcium, but then I started taking massive doses of Vit. D and magnesium suppliments and eating more dairy. The last bone scan I had was normal. Yeah!

Chapter 2 Quotes:

"Isn't it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth! ...we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards. Because our performance and ability to please others so dominates our search for significance, we have difficulty recognizing the distinction between our real identity and the way we behave, a realization crucial to understanding our true worth.

"Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are. It is usually consistent with what we think to be true about ourselves. ...if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that come from such instability.

"Sometimes our behavior changes what we believe about ourselves. If, for instance, we succeed in a task at which we initially believed we would fail, our confidence may begin to grow and expand to other areas of our lives. Our feelings, behavior, and beliefs all interact to shape our lives.

"Our home environment plays a central role in forming our beliefs and emotions. These can have a powerful impact on our outlook and behavior.

"Our attempts to meet our needs for success and approval fall into two broad categories: compulsiveness and withdrawal.

"When we base our security on success and others' opinions, we become dependent on our abilities to perform and please others. We develop a have-to mentality: I have to do well on this exam (or my security as a good student will be threatened); I have to make that deal (or my boss will think I am a failure); my father (or mother, spouse, or friend) has to apprecite me and be happy with my decisions (because I cannot cope with that person's disapproval).

"Our self-esteem and our beliefs .... are usually a mirror of our parents' attitudes toward us. Those who are loved and affirmed by their parents tend to have a fairly healthy self-concept and usually find it easy to believe that ..... is loving and powerful. Those whose parents have been neglectful, manipulative, or condemning usually seem to feel that they have to earn a sense of worth and that ...... is aloof, demanding, and/or cruel.

"When we do not have that fundamental sense of feeling lovable and protected by [our parents], we tend to base our self-worth on how well we perform and please others."

Next I get into the meat and potatoes of Chapters 3-10. Chapters 3-4 are about The Performance Trap: the fear of failure, etc. That's been the story of my scholastic and career life at the very least.

I'm looking forward to further dissection. I've learned that even though it may be initially painful to uncover some of the old garbage stored in the dark corners of my emotional basement, the house stinks less when I haul that nasty stuff out into the yard and deal with it. A lot of it isn't worth keeping and needs to be tossed out [incorrect memories/distortions and fears]. Some of it, perhaps a great deal of it, just needs to be washed off and/or aired out and seen in the light of day [forgiveness and truth].

As much as some mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances, there are many more caused by unhealed emotional pain. I've read the books and what-have-you from distraught parents with BPD children saying that they just don't know what has caused this in their child, but as sure as I'm sitting here, there has to be a link to trauma and unhealed emotional pain.

My mother would have said she knew nothing about it, other than my father's leaving, and she'd have been right. She'd not have recognized her own part in it at all, nor would she have known about the abuse. She couldn't understand why I was having problems as a young teenager and so she did what she knew to do and dragged me off for counseling with a trusted youth worker. The only problem with that was, he was into young girls and tried to get to me during "hyponsis" that I faked my way through until he pulled his little stunt. Being the untrusting sole that I was, I didn't think she'd believe me and I knew he'd deny it, so I just threw my usual fit and refused to go back. Interestingly, several years later he left his wife and family to marry a contemporary of my younger sib's who I believe had been in counseling with him a year or so before. He waited for her to turn 18 before dumping his wife.

So, no, it wasn't my imagination. I told you I'm not bad looking. I was a fashion model by the time I was 13 until I was 25. I gave it up when the really good jobs were going to children like me when I started. I'm close to 6 ft. tall and I looked liked a cross between Twiggy [eyes & hair--mine's even shorter now] and Cheryl Tiegs [build & smile] early on [60's & 70's]. I haven't changed that much, except to age a bit [a little silver in the hair; a line or two on the face, but I can still pass for mid-30's and I'm in my mid-50's]. Boys and boyfriends in school came hard for me [boys-they never ask the really pretty ones or the ugly ones out--just the cute ones], but men always found me attractive--too attractive when I was a baby comparatively speaking--and they've always come least, the wrong ones have.

Subsequently, except for one very brave, very short orthodox Jewish senior boy who asked me over after school one day and whose parents were totally appalled at his asking a 6 ft. tall non-orthodox freshman girl anywhere without her family's knowledge, permission or proper supervision (OY!), I didn't really date anyone at my school. And of everyone I've ever met, him I probably should have hung onto, making a conversion to orthodox. lol I'm kidding. I had a few friends that I hung out with, males included, but no romantic relationships. Those were forged elsewhere, usually with guys who were seniors at other schools or college aged.

It's nice to not be pressured by the demands of a relationship right now, or even the desire for one. I'm good just being here and being me alone for a change. It was a little scary at first, but I'm getting used to it now. I'm having a little trouble structuring my days, but I know that, and I know I'll get it together. It's all part of the healing process, I think.

Coming here to the Board everyday and sharing what I've learned and the insights into my past is very cathartic. I really feel it is helping me to work through things more quickly. It's one thing to think something, but it's totally another to see it in black & white. And then with the feedback, it's just all so affirming and reinforcing. :) I feel good! I like the work I'm doing here. :cool:

Until next time, thanks for everything.


Hi Lil :wave:

Well, the cat's out the bag now! (pun intended) ;) Soooooooo, we have a boyfriend????????? Pray tell???? How long has this been going on? And why has he not joined the rest of the world in this century on the internet???

I don't doubt for a New York minute the 20 miles or the snow. :D But I wouldn't be so sure that he's the last of the Mohicans. He may just be a Shell station on the Route 66 of life. After all, you're not sporting hardware like a walker or wheelchair to add to the attraction, and you don't have a third eye growing in the middle of your forehead, do you? :eek:

As well balanced as you've become, it is entirely possible that you could have a wonderful relationship with someone in the future. Don't relegate yourself solely to the land of fruits and nutz for companionship in the romance department. That's doing a ME and setting yourself up for failure before you begin. Don't do that! Stop it! :angel:

So I went to the Purpose class last night and had a really pleasant surprise! There was another teacher. A lovely young lady who was bright and energetic and articulate and kept it going. She didn't stumble around and was just a joy to listen to. What a relief. I learned that they are going to rotate teachers, so I guess that means that the guy may be back again next week or we might have someone else.

Anyway, I'm off to Divorce Recovery again on Thursday. Interestingly, there is a workbook we're supposed to be using daily and the bookstore doesn't have it in and no word when they'll have it. To order it online you have to get 4 at a time. Whassup with that? Oh, well! They knew they were having this class. It should have been a given to have the necessary material available. Well, you'd think, wouldn't you? Silly me...expecting people to do their J-O-B-S.

Girl, you wouldn't believe what I did to myself. I look like a semi-blond pumpkin. Talk about failed chemistry experiments. I decided I couldn't stand myself not having hightlights anymore and because I can't afford to have a salon do them and I can't see to use a cap and pull through, not to mention keep my arms up that long, I got this kit that I don't normally use that is brush-on. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :jester: and I actually went out like that yesterday!!!! I don't know how to fix this unless I try stripping the rest of the color or color over it. I may have to bite the bullet and go to a salon after all and have them fix it. :p

I just hope no one takes my picture like this. Or maybe I should get a picture and hang it up in the bathroom as a reminder: REMEMBER!!!! :jester:
I kinda look like this clown we had on TV when I was a kid...only thing missing is the red rubber nose.

Do you follow American football? Will you be watching the Superbowl? If so, who do you think will win? The NY Giants or the NE Patriots? Is it a BPD thing to always want to root for the underdog? Vat do you tink, Miz. Freud?

Love ya, Lil :angel:


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