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Hi Karen :wave:

It just simply amazes me how parrallel our universe has been the past couple of years. My life went into meltdown in August of '05 thanks to a back injury, but I was in deep sneeks on my job before that with a dirty-dealing boss. I'd have given anything to stay. I understand the company showed him the door within a couple of months of my injury.

My mother-in-law, who passed a few months ago had Parkinson's. That and senial dementia caused her to do things she shouldn't. We had no sooner gotten her home from the rehab and a hip replacement, then she climbed out of her bed in the middle of the night rather than call for the live-in nurse and fell on her head. She fractured her skull and had to have emergency surgery which she did quite well from, but took a turn for the worse several weeks later slipping into a coma and finally passed a few weeks after that, bless her heart. She was much older than your mother though. We were blessed to have her as long as we did.

Unfortunately, when she died, so did my marriage. I didn't realize until she'd fallen this last time that my husband was just waiting for his inheritance to kick me to the curb. When she survived the surgery and it looked as if she might make it, he changed his tune, but when she went into the coma, it all tanked. He'd already spent all of my savings and was trying to spend my inheritance, too, so he was just looking for a way out financially. Now he's after as much as he can get of whatever is left on his way out the door and he's hired the most expensive attorney in Houston to try to get it.

Depression is an awful thing. It makes us think all wrong about everything, especially about ourselves. I'd like to focus on Karen and the vibrant, beautiful woman she is. And I'd like to focus on how many people love Karen starting with your mother and sons, and yes, your father, even though you find it hard to believe. I'm sure he loves you very much. Then there's your grandchildren, sister and brother-in-law and all the rest of your family. They may not understand how to relate to you sometimes, but that doesn't mean that they don't love you. It's the same with your friends. Those fine sons and grandchildren of yours wouldn't even exist if you hadn't been born. Give it a real good Jimmy Stewart--It's A Wonderful Life consideration.

If I remember correctly, Jimmy Stewart got into big trouble in Wonderful Life when he had money problems. What's strange was that he'd struggled financially all his life, but it wasn't until the end that he got truly desperate. He'd always been self-reliant and the one to help everyone else in the town. He simply didn't know how to ask for help when he needed it most. I'm pretty much in the same boat today and was down on myself bad for a long time because of it. But I'm learning to roll with the punches. Some days are better than others, but I refuse to give up hope. Don't you give up. :nono:

I understand how tough it is for you to live with your parents at this stage of your life. After all, you're a grown woman, not a child, but you're still their little girl no matter how old you are...just like your sons will always be your baby boys. And I'm sorry to hear that there is so much animosity between you and your father. Do you think you will ever be able to bridge the gulf and forgive him for what he's done to you and your mother? Forgiving him is most likely the first step to getting rid of the rage.

I have some stuff that I've been dealing with off and on for years. It will come up and I'll forgive the person and go on about my life for awhile just fine and then all of a sudden it will come up again and I'll find myself having to forgive them all over. But I try to do it every time so that I don't wind up becoming angry and bitter. I really struggled with this in my marriage because he is also BPD and toward the end I didn't have time to get over the last thing before he did the next. In fact, I'm still working on it. I also have a track record of having the most difficulty forgiving myself, but I'm getting better at it all with practice. :)

I have to go back to your father loving you. Do you know why I know he does even though he has trouble expressing it and you all fight a lot? It's because you're there with him. You're 52 years old and you live in his house. Get it? He loves you!

Thank goodness, we're not living totally parrallel lives. The last conversation I had with my father was when I was 27 years old. I called to wish him a happy birthday and tell him I'd forgiven him for a really crappy thing he'd done to my sib and me. His last words to me were, "Thank you, that's very nice of you to wish me happy birthday, but let's let this be the last time you call."

He hadn't been a part of my life since I was six years old and had only re-established contact a few months earlier with the premise of wanting to have a relationship. He then used everything he could behind our backs against my sib and me to get us disinherited by our aunt in those last few months of her life, twisting everything we said and telling her who knows what. She had no children other than us and he hadn't been around for twenty plus years until then. She had always promised me her grand piano and the time before the birthday call, just after her death I'd called to tell him that and that I would buy it from him. All he had to do was name his price. He said he'd call me back, but I never heard from him and I have no idea where the piano went. He hasn't been a part of our lives at all since my birthday call to him, but he got his wish. He missed seeing us grow up and then his grandsons grow into fine men and now he's missing out on his great-grandchildren. He'll die with his money and no one to mourn him. Too bad he can't take it with him. :(

By the way, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm normally on here everyday. But I had an all day thing with my heart on Thursday -- tests and what have you-- and then spent Friday working on my divorce stuff. Fun eh? :jester:

I don't mean to sound flippant, but look at it all this way: When you're this far down, the only logical way to go is up. Well, at least that's how I'm choosing to look at it. :angel:

I'm becoming very big on making choices - positive choices that is, for my present and future. I've decided that I want to beat this thing called BPD or at least learn how to control and live with it in a healthy way so that it doesn't control me and my life anymore. I'm working very hard on recognizing 1- my bad behaviors, 2- my triggers that set off those bad behaviors, and 3- how to step back from those situations/triggers before I go into BPD-land.

BPD is like cancer: it destroys your life for no apparent reason until you know it's there. Once you know it's there, you can fight it. It takes patience, knowledge and determination. We must learn to be patient with ourselves and our treatment; we must know ourselves, our disease, our propensities in the midst of the disease and how to overcome those propensities; and we must be absolutely determined to win.

By the way, regardless of whether or not you get a group going at church, try getting involved in a recovery program and see if it doesn't help relieve some of your stress. They've kept me very grounded between sessions with my shrink. I also love coming here to chat and reading everything I can get my hands on to become more informed about BPD and mental illness in general and how to deal. Isn't it kid's TV that says: Knowledge is Power? Whatever... it's true. :)

Love ya, Karen :angel:

Hi Karen :wave:

Sorry you had such a bad time out with the fam. Some days are like that and some people, too. :(

Try to be kind to yourself, Karen. You've got a lot on your plate being BPD and with what all you've been through. Actually, it sounds like you all have a lot on your plates what with your mother being ill and having broken her hip, etc. It's got to be putting a lot of stress on everyone.

What do you think about what I wrote to you before about learning to make choices and getting involved with a recovery program whether or not at church to help with the stress?

I'm rooting for you. It's only up from here! right, my friend? :angel:

Love ya, Karen :angel:

Hi Lil,

You did not butt in..I am glad you joined. I REALLY do not have the money. As in I have 200 dollars in my purse and none other. I know the relationship is toxic. We just 5 min. ago had an argument and "I" had to be the rational and calm one!!! You can imagine how hard that was and is. I am sure my BP is up. I know I had quit smoking and know just keep going back every time I get sooo mad with him. He is 83 and does not understand the way the current world works and does not want to listen to me. He is getting dementia also, which does not help.

Also, he torments my mom, and I know there is NOTHING I can do about that. That is tough though. He is just a miserable human being, as I said in my thread I deleted. Misery loves company. I have always been the type to want to make people laugh and want people to enjoy my company. Not be the miserable unhappy type I seem to be becoming.

Other than getting a full time job to move out, I see no other alternatives at the moment..besides a shelter. I AM really trying to get full time work.

That being said, do you have any suggestions? Where I live has no public transportation to speak of, and not that many jobs in what I am trained in. I am not trained to do much else and I was told that I cannot reveal my occupation. Any suggestions will be considered, believe me. My sister is very smart, we have all racked our brains and come up with nothing. My therapist said my Dad obviously has a PD himself!!!

By the way, my sister has a huge house with 3 bedrooms and a son away at college and one at home. She will not allow me to stay with her..I have nearly begged. Nice, huh?

I hope things are going well for all, as well as can be expected with this bpd life.

Pri Lily,

I think I am taking responsibility and trying to take care of myself the best I know how and have learned how, through therapy, considering living here in this negative and toxic environment. Every since my last post, I have been either staying out of the house or either in a different room from my dad. It is not the way I would choose my life to be, but I am desperately searching for full time employment on a daily basis.

I am trying to choose wisely, and not move out without enough money and a stable job so I will not end up right back here where I started from. I know that I have made great strides, my therapist says so more than I believe.

I feel like I am not making any sense, but the jist is, I have been very depressed for a while now and just have very little faith or confidence in myself. I guess it does not help to hear constant negative feedback EVERY damn day.

I feel beaten down, my spirit has been beat down, and I think my dad has this love/hate feeling toward me. Yes he loves me, but hates me at the same time and that I am sick now and not out on my own functioning like I was. I was always just skating on thin ice back then anyway.

I am not saying I am giving up...


I hope you are still here. To quote you, "BPD is like cancer: it destroys your life for no apparent reason until you know it's there. Once you know it's there, you can fight it. It takes patience, knowledge and determination. We must learn to be patient with ourselves and our treatment; we must know ourselves, our disease, our propensities in the midst of the disease and how to overcome those propensities; and we must be absolutely determined to win."

I agree on all points, sometimes I feel too weak to fight. What do you do on those days, or weeks as it is for me lately?

I have not read any posts from you lately. I hope everything is going well.

So, anyway, let me have it Pri Lily. I feel like I need a kick in the rear, but I also think that my predisposition to want this all to end now is holding me back. I want things to get better NOW or just be over.

Love you guys...

Hey Ya'll :wave:

Let me jump on this wagon, too. :) I love to hear you being so upbeat about the future, Karen. And I've got this great mental picture of you waving that wand...tutu and all.:jester:

That makes two of us who had good sessions with our therapists yesterday. She's finally maybe beginning to accept the BPD a little more, but seems most encouraged in my attitude and attempts to work through my problems. She's also stepping up my sessions...thank God! Going for a month in between was just too long. Every two weeks I can handle much better.

It would be so awsome to be cured of this mess, but knowing that we can get a handle on it and work toward living more normal lives is the best news. That alone is what keeps me going on the really bad days. I see it in Lil, I've seen it in myself, and I see it in you, too, Karen. We're going to screw our heads back on straight and learn to deal with our lives and the curveballs that get thrown our way without getting thrown ourselves.

What with all that's been going on in my life, I managed to get side tracked and haven't picked that Search for Significance book back up again, but I just discovered that the big church here in town is starting an 8-week class next week using that very book. How good is that! Motivation and direction to "get 'er done." That's Monday night and then on Thursday night they're starting Divorce Recovery back up for 12 weeks. Sign me up! :D

I was out pounding the pavement yesterday after my therapy session to get my doctors to respond to the drivel written by the review board on my LTD. I ended up being worked in for an exam by my internist who takes care of me for part of my disability illness and it all turned into a very full day. By the time I got done with the last doctor it was rush-hour and no point in getting on the freeway. So I drove across the street to the mall and did a little shopping, ran into an old friend at Starbucks and we chated for over an hour and by the time I got home, I was nothing short of exhausted. I had planned to go out again today, but forgetaboutit. I couldn't get out of bed for the longest and all I've managed so far is a little laundry and email and here...the best part of my day. :)

I do have to run do a few things before it gets any later. Love ya both :angel:

Hi all,

Thanks for the positive strokes!! I actually have a plan now..when I get through with this temporary job, hopefully it will be at least 3 weeks long or more, I will have enough money to MOVE out of my Dad's house. Luckily this little town has cheaper places and I am paying 130 a month just for storage of all my stuff. I am getting excited about this and that is the key for me.

All I need sometimes is a little push.

Lil, what troubles are you having with your Landlord? I have had those before, NOT looking forward to that, but that usually was because I was late paying rent or something. Once I did have a house that needed work and the guy was a scum bag...Chiropractor at that! and refused to fix the roof and stuff. If I am going to pay 700 a month..this was more than 10 years ago...I expect the place to be decent and fixed! These individual landlords sometimes think they can get by with anything and it seems especially with women. My friend just had her hot water turned off and was taking cold showers..just because her landlord was a jerk to put it mildly. Guys or women like that I hope get their just reward one day!!!

Oh of course I have to have the full time job in place too...I am trusting for a miracle that this will happen. I have applied for a couple on the net. Plus I am employed with an agency that is supposed to get referrals for temp to perm jobs. You would think I could get a job in my profession that is in high demand, but not unless it is in a hospital. Plus with my BPD, I have ruined my chances of going back to the 3 or 4 major hospitals in this area. I feel bad about that, but I cannot go back in time and I am sure they will not be understanding or forgiving!!

I hope you all had a good weekend..

Love, Karen :D
Hi Karen :wave:

The thing with Lil and I is just a joke... an old play on the "Houston, we have a problem," line. Periodically, when I get tied up or now when she's tied up too long, we revert to space lingo. Feel free. As I recall, you used it right out of the box. :jester:

I'm talking about not being able to climb up the stairs into the choir loft due to my rollator walker or handle the long periods of standing during the singing even if I could get up there not to mention being unable to bear long periods of sitting on their type of seating up there. It's all done in pews with minimal padding and I'm sure I would not be allowed to take the extra cushioning I would need to use due to the TV and need to color coordinate. If I could recover to the point of not needing the walker or a cane and get up on the main stage as part of the lead group, I might could then arrange to sit down below during the sermon, but the rest of it would be on my feet. Of course, I don't have the chops to be part of the lead group right now either.

There was a time though when I sang like an angel...:angel: First recorded at 13 years old on vinyl...over 40 years ago now. I kept singing most of my life until shortly after my almost-ex came into my life. I'd like to sing again. Vestal Goodman encouraged me many years ago to go for it, God rest her soul, and I did for a while. I just had this BPD that kept throwing me off balance. She and Howard were so sweet. They're both gone now, but I watch the Gaither reruns on TV from time to time and enjoy seeing them on those.

I'm in awe of people who play instruments. I always wanted to learn to play piano and I can just a little, but I started so late. I just never got very good. My voice was it and the fibromyalgia keeps it from being reliable now.

I've been dx'd with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, hypothyroidism, hypertension, recurrent Epstein Barr, degenerative disk and joint disease throughout my spine--neck, mid and low back, right L3 radiculopathy, spondylosis, buldging and herniated disks, arthritic knees and hips, TMJ, migraines, and carpal tunnel in both hands. I used to power walk 2.5 miles every day, work 80-hour weeks, and do pretty much everything I wanted to do. Then one day 2.5 years ago I picked up a CPU at work and my life has not been the same.

I lost my job, I've lost my ready savings, I'm going through my inheritance now, I've lost my husband (the user--I was only worth anything to him while I was well and bringing in the bucks), I had lost my self-esteem, realized that I, too, am BPD, and at one point I lost my will to live for a while, but all of that has been changed. In the midst of all this mess, I got my faith back. Even though I'm going through this divorce and even though I'm still fighting at great expense to get back my LTD insurance that I've been cheated out of, I am trusting that whatever the outcome on all counts, I'm going to be okay.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't have days that I'm not down or that I don't struggle. I am human. But I have faith to know that I am going to come out of this--all of this--a better person. And no, I don't believe that I'm being punished for past indescretions or "sins" or whatever. I do believe that nothing will happen to me that I cannot handle and that there is a reason for everything that I am going through and that reason may very well be that I am supposed to 1) learn a life lesson, 2) grow from these experiences, and 3) share that lesson and experiences with others who are hurting so they know they are not alone and there is hope when they see that someone like me has gone through it and survived. And maybe that's why all of this has come on me all at one time. So I can stand up one day and say, "Look at me. Look what I've been through. I'm still standing. If I can do it, so can you."

Congratulations on the 3rd grandbaby. I'm going to have to wait for great-grands now. My son says he is done. If he marries this girlfriend of his, they are not going to have anymore.

I didn't have the strength or energy to cover my plants last night and it looks like I may have lost a few. Oh well. Starting tomorrow they say it's supposed to rain again...yuck...all week long, but the tempurature is going up a bit back into the 60's. That's our normal winter here. I've been hearing the reports about snow and sleet off your way. Doesn't sound good, at all. Take care of yourself.

Love ya, Karen :angel:


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