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Personality Disorder Message Board

Personality Disorder Board Index

Everything or nearly everything in BPD comes down to how we react and why we react to someone else's words or behaviors. If I think the person is trying to attack me they will get a reaction and the majority of the time it is not very nice and a good portion of the time there was no need for it as that was not the intent of the person but how I perceived it. My BPD is there to protect a very fragile self image that I created a long time ago because when this self image is doing well then I must be doing well so I have manipulated the people around me to get the reaction I am looking for that will add to my self image. Confrontations add to my self image because I never lose as the majority of my life has been one confrontation after another so needless to say I am pretty good at them by now and know which buttons to press so by "winning" a confrontation I just proved that i am better then the other person. During the peak if someone did not like me I didn't ask why or put any thought into it whatsoever because it did not matter if I had someone else's approval as the only one I needed was my own. For the longest time I work hard at the relationships I had not because that was the right thing to do and what was required to make a stable partnership last but because I knew if other people saw the coupling as positive that must mean I am a good person. I know all the right things to say and do not because I am strongly intune with my inner emotions but because I treated a relationship like a job and did my homework, Cosmo taught me how to be a good boyfriend. My emotional level is somewhere around a three year olds as thats when I stopped learning how to recognize and express my emotions instead I learned how to create a self image that would survive in the enviroment that I was in. The problem is my self image is not real it is based on perception and not reality so the whole process of starting over again meant i had to go back to when I was three and learn and undo all the negative that I swore was right for the last thirty years and it is not easy. My entire life has been a lie or at least a magic trick as nothing is what it seems.

Here is a side note. If you think you are BPD don't tell your doctor as this is the last disorder you want on your chart as automatically people(medical and therapeutic community) will treat you like your a leper as a very percentage of them don't believe BPD is treatable. People see others with BPD as people who have no conscious, no morals, only in it for themselves, very difficult, manipulate and will do whatever it takes to serve there own needs ...... this is true to a point but no where near the level that the so called professionals believe it is and like any other disorders there is a wide scale of what severity people are at. The worst mistake I have ever done regarding my mental health was mention that I thought I was BPD and my oh my did my doctor jump on that diagnosis fast then turn around and deem me untreatable.

Most people with BPD will never get diagnosed as they do not believe anything is wrong with their logic and they have built their lives to support the disorder so they seem to live a very normal life. To admit that you have BPD is like saying my entire life has been wrong and not true so much easier just to tell that little voice to go away and stay quiet. Look into Dialectical behavioral therapy as that will makes sense then the DSM.

take care

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