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Hi Karen :wave:

I'm so sorry you didn't get to see your grandbabies yesterday. I know how much that can lift your spirits. There are days and weeks that I don't get to see mine either, though I am seeing much more of them now than I did. My son would hardly bring them around my almost-ex due to his volatile temper. I try very hard to keep my nose out of his business with his girlfriend except to encourage their marriage ASAP...they're living together and I don't like that without the nuptuals because it hurts his ability to get the girls from his ex. She is so unstable and bad for the girls, I really want him to try for full custody soon. Nuff of that.

I'm glad to hear that you're back on your meds in spite of the bruising. They do seem to have been working for you. I am concerned about the bruising though and hope you'll get a PT test soonest to check the thinness of your blood. That might be handled with a little vit. K, but should be monitored. You don't want to hemmorage or something, but being in the medical field, you know.

Now let me tell you something, if you were in the same situation as I, you would be just fine because we're never given more than we can handle. It may feel like it sometimes when I start having little "pity parties" for myself, but when I get my eyes off of me and back where they belong, I have the strength to go on. And like you said, no matter who you are or what you face in life, there is always someone who is worse off than you.

I can't "[B]work up[/B]" hope. I can't "[B]pretend[/B]" to be joyful when my whole world is collapsing around me. It's a gift to have hope, joy and peace in the midst of calamity. I have stopped trusting in my own understand, in what I see happening around me and to me as being the truth of the end of my life. I trust that this is simply a valley and a season that I must walk through and I choose to be happy and calm because I know that it will come to an end and there will be a reward for having persevered.

When I look at what I have right now, there is so much for which I am grateful. I have made many wrong choices thanks to BPD that have caused me and others a lot of heartache, but I still have so much to be grateful for, not the least of which is my family. The memories of those who have gone on and the love of those who remain keep me going and are more important to me than anything in the world. We don't always get along or see eye to eye, but we always love each other.

Then there are my friends who are few, but carefully chosen. I am grateful for them and they are important to me. I have many acquaintences, too, with whom I am friendly. But I have these few close friends that I share my life with and hold dear.

I don't share my darker side with them or my family. I've never felt that it was good for me to do that because I guess I recognized that the darker side wasn't really who I am. I think I instinctively knew it was an aberation and needed to be banished or healed. Of course, when I was younger those living with me got the full force of this BPD all over them. The fallout was tremendous. As I've grown older, it's become more subtle except in my choice of sick partners.

Anyway, I stray. The point is that we all are given the measure of grace sufficient to see us through whatever our circumstances at the time. I saw it with my mother and her raising us on little money after my father left and then at the end with her cancer. I saw it with my grandfather and his crippling arthritis and cancer. I saw it with my friend and her cancer. I see it with other friends and their MS or other diseases that affect their lives. We are all human and subject to frustration and depression or irritation, etc., from time to time, but we all manage to get through it. Some of us manage with more civility or happiness than others, but the same measure of grace is there for the use. It's all a matter of choice...and happiness is a choice.

It's like dealing with BPD. Now that we know what we're up against (and of course, we have the necessary help with our chemistry), we can begin making healthy choices for ourselves and those we love and/or work with. We no longer have to be the problem, we can start being the solution and building the bridges back to those we love and to our dreams and hopes.

Karen, I'm so proud of all of the ground you've gained over these past weeks. Are you proud of you? Do you see how far you've come?

Love ya, Karen :angel:

Houston
Karen,

I feel for both you and your Mom. I was in a similar situation with my almost-ex drinking, drugging and abusing me mostly verbally, but he could get physical. I don't want to plant any suggestions here or project into your situation. I am concerned, though. Does he drink often? How often does he verbally abuse your mother? Has he ever become physical with her during these episodes? Is any of this escalating, becoming more frequent or more violent?

I'm asking some tough questions here, I know. But they need to be asked and answered for your Mother's safety as well as yours and quite possibly your Father's safety. It is possible that dementia or Alzheimer's is causing his behavior and he can become a danger to himself and the both of you if not properly treated. My grandmother became forgetful and nearly burned down the house with dementia. My uncle became combative and then tried to run away with Alzheimer's.

There are many medications on the market right now to treat both that can help. When they become less than effective, there are residential programs that can help. Only a doctor familiar with dementia and Alzheimer's who can test for their progression and will listen to you will be able to advise on what will be best for your Father at this point. I know he is intimidating in his anger and fury, but don't let that offset you from the fact that he may well need help. And if not him, then you and your Mother need help if he's just got anger managment issues.

Living in that kind of situation can be very discouraging and depressing, but you can take a step back here and look at this from a different angle now. It may be that you are living with your folks for this very reason. If you had not been with them, no one would have known that your Father needed help or your Mother needed help like this at this time. It is too easy to assume that things are under control when you only visit and see the surface.

No one except my son guessed that I was being abused. He knew because he knows me so well. But even then he hoped that it wasn't so and he didn't come here that often because he couldn't stand to be around my almost-ex. When I was out there, usually by myself, I was relaxed. When he did come here, he saw that I was anything but relaxed. I was walking on eggshells because my almost-ex is majorly BPD and after open-heart surgery some 6 years ago, may also have Alzheimer's. There is something like a 70% increased risk of Alzheimer's in open-heart surgery patients. Now I love my almost-ex, but between the two of those things and me being invalid and him swearing to ruin me or kill me or both and my own BPD, that was it. Nada mas, gracias.

You may not be able to get anyone to listen to you right out of the box. But if you can talk one of the kids into coming and spending a few days or a week in the house so they can witness what goes on with him, you might then have an ally. They can say their place is being fumigated or something and they need a place to crash for a week until the fumes clear.

If he gets physical, call the cops. Don't screw around. Get it on record. A judge can make him get tested for dementia progression and/or Alzheimer's or order him into treatment. If you have a tape recorder or video recorder, the next time he starts drinking or you think he might get horsey, put it on and leave it where it can catch the action. That way he can't say you did anything and you get him in action for the doctors and/or the courts.

You do have everything to be proud of.

This is the lie:

[B]Self-Worth = Performance + Other's Opinions[/B]

That's how we get trapped into approval addiction, hopelessness or passive living, trying to live our lives by some formula, or a need to control everything. If we don't have whatever trap we've fallen into or for; then we experience depression, guilt, failure, irrelevance, loss, and grief.

You can enjoy the approval of others. The problem is when you have to have it in order to live in peace and joy. Then you're only as good as your friends or family think you are or [B]you [/B]think they think you are, and that's just not true. I know you know the truth.

The definition of the word Justification is: prove/show; to be conformable to law; to make precise; adjust.

I thought you might find that interesting. I did.

Love ya, Karen :angel:

Houston
Karen,

This isn't the ideal solution, but there are women's shelters. I know they are typically for abused wives, but I don't see why a daughter with no place to go couldn't qualify. Take Mom with you if you're afraid for her.

Leaving the old guy on his own might get his attention and give you the respite you need.

At this point though, I'm going to agree with Lil and say that you need a break...with or without Mom. However or wherever you can get to, go. I don't mean go shack up with some bum. I do mean consider your options and find a place to go for a few days like a shelter. Like I said, it's not ideal, but it's away from him.

When things were at their worst with my almost-ex, I should have gone to a shelter or out to my son's and didn't. But I did spend most of my time away from the house. I looked for things to do, classes to take, whatever I could find to do, that would keep me occupied and away from him and his brutality. That way he only got to be mean and hurtful to me as I was getting ready to leave or after I came back at night before I shut myself away in my room.

Unfortunately, there was too much exposure even in those few hours for my BPD to handle it well and I became quite ill. I was more unstable than I've been since I was a young teenager and what I now recognize as when I first became BPD. Or perhaps that was fortunate because if I hadn't become so ill, I might not have recognized that I am BPD and be working so hard right now to recover and get myself together.

I can't tell you what to do, Honey, I can only offer a suggestion here or there and love you from afar. I do wish you had family to stay with. That would be ideal, if one of your sons or your sister could take you in for a day or two...just to relieve the pressure. I wish you had a girlfriend you could stay with. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Oh, by the way, my Irish :o is still showing, but it's not green and it's more blond...much better. :) I'm a pale strawberry blond now...not rust to pumpkin red with blond highlights...much softer and matches my skin tone better. The other was a bit frightening. :eek:

I spoke with my friend about you and your situation again today. He sends his regards. He's still working on a solution. No matter what you decide to do at this point, know that I wish you only the best and love you dearly :angel:

Houston
I almost laughed out loud when you said not to shack up with some bum. I am what I think a fairly attractive woman, but I seem to repel men for some reason. I have been told guys run from me because I look like the type they would want to fall in love with and get married!! Heaven forbid that would happen to them!! Ha ha. :jester:

Well I have AWESOME news that will at least solve the problem for me right now. I got a full time job for a least four weeks and it very likely may turn into full time. This is going to solve a lot of problems!! That is one reason my dad has been so angry..his precious money. I do not want to have to use it, believe ME, but I would like to tell him that someone told me they have never seen any money briefcases attached to coffins. LOL.

I believe that this job came at the nick of time, I will be OUT of the house or sleeping and this should cause way less friction. I do plan to move out ASAP!!!

I wish the job was more secure, but I am not complaining. I worked a little orientation today (three hours) and I am working somewhere else tomorrow for 4 hours. I used to make big bucks, but in 4 weeks, I should be able to make enough to move out! If I get this job, you get 2 months off a year. Yahoo!!

I did find out for sure that I am going to be a grandmother in September again. I am excited, she will be a wonderful mom. Now if my son would just get his act together and be a man!!! I guess I babied him too much, but bless his heart, I think he may have bpd??? and I know he has depression and ADD. He is not real bad, but his behavior has been lately, and I know he has been very depressed lately. His ex girlfriend said he stated he was suicidal, but you can tell she is lying when her lips are moving!!! per Dr. Phil quote. I would not doubt he has these thoughts, but I am going to keep asking for prayer at church for him and I of course will.

Still the problem with my dad I am sure will rear its ugly head, but I had a good talk with my counselor yesterday, and I do not know what to do right now. I guess take it day to day.

Thanks for caring...glad your hair is not green and looks good.

Love,

Karen
Hi Karen :wave:

Yippee!!! Congratulations!! Way to go!! :jester: I'm throwing a little party for you, the new grandbaby and your new job. That's terrific!

I'm so very happy that you have a reprieve. Things really do have a way of working out. :angel:

I was simply projecting when I said not to "shack up" which is probably what I'd have been tempted to do were I in your shoes and the heat was up high. I did stuff like that when I was younger and the heat was up under my BPD burner. It just messed things and me up worse.

You're doing the right thing where your son's concerned and really the only thing you can do at his age. Don't listen to his old girlfriend. Forgive her. She's most likely just jealous anyway.

I woke up this morning at 2 AM with a roaring headache and couldn't go back to sleep. My stomach felt a bit funny and I thought I needed to coat it with something so I ate a little yogurt and tried to sleep again. That was 4 AM. At 6 AM I took another pill for the headache. At 8 AM I prayed to the porcelain throne. yuck! :confused: Don't know what's got hold of me, but I've felt like poo since. The headache's not so bad now. I hate being sick. :mad:

I'm way proud of you, Kiddo. You've really come a long way. I'm so looking forward to hearing you say that you're proud of you, too.

Love ya, Karen :angel:

Houston





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