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Hi Karen and Deb.....:angel:

See Karen....Deb wasn't mad at you :angel:

Words of advice: Don't listen to your Dad, or whoever else decides to take shots at you. You are not a failure. Most people with BPD struggle with employment, and job performance. Look it up if you don't believe me.

You are a million miles farther, and quite a few dollars richer than you were a few months ago.....think about that, instead.

Deb...:angel:

Big owie on the nose....ouch.

It's a good thing you stopped taking that drug. Losing 7 pounds overnight, and having sausage fingers is not a good sign.

Love ya both....:angel:

Jan
Wow, I really feel psycho today. I have been on the verge of tears all day. I have had no one to talk to about the stress of losing yet another job and now finding out that I am going to be the grandmother of TWINS!!! That part is great, and I did find out today that they are fraternal twins, and one is a girl we know so far. I am excited, yet my son is being a horse's butt!!

Anyway, I took half of a benadryl to help me sleep last night and I am so sensitive to medicine that I wonder if that is not the problem. Cymbalta keeps me from being able to shed tears for some reason...that is not good to me. I feel very strange but cannot put my finger on any one thing. I just know it is miserable. I feel sure it is stress partly or in whole, my sister or rest of the family does not know yet that I lost the job. Oh boy will they be anxious to lecture me on being responsible.

I wrote in a diary online today, that since I had my major meltdown, I do not want to take responsibility for anything. I just want to play with my grandchildren and somehow enjoy life.

The job interview today was very weird, in my mind anyway, I felt like I sounded like a babbling idiot. They asked me to tell them about myself, and I just couldn't think of a lot to say except for what experience I do have. They seemed excited to have me come and talked as if I was going to get the job. I really hope so, this would not be doing anything that could cause harm to any patient, mostly paperwork. I really tried hard, I was dressed nice. Maybe they will give it to me based on my good looks!! Ha ha ha.

I need someone to talk to so badly, I have got to do something. What scares me are my own thoughts. The morning I left work after basically getting fired, I had the thought that if I had a weapon, I would use it on myself!! Geez. I guess these days are normal for us bpd people, but I sure hope they come up with some new pill or shock treatment. I would try anything to help. Maybe the doc could find a mood stabilizer that would work for me. I have tried several.

Maybe I should just go ahead and apply for LTD...what could it hurt?

Hi Jan and Deb. I hope you guys are having a good day...write soon..

Love,

Karen
Hi Karen....

It's 4:00 in the morning here, and I should be in bed, so I'm gonna keep this short.....

From what you said, the only thing that isn't NORMAL about how you're feeling, is the harming part. That is BPD.

You're going through a lot, losing a job, and having to face a hostile family, are big miseries for anybody. Trust me, I know.

Apply for LTD....the worst that can happen is that they say "no".

Get the ideations out of your head. Please.:)

Love ya

Jan
Karen,

Jan is right about the ideations being part of BPD. I had a few tense moments myself when the medications weren't working well, but I know now when that happens it's the first sign of a bad reaction to medication in combo with the BPD.

Perhaps Benadryl and Cymbalta aren't a good combo for you with BPD.

Don't tell the family that you lost your job. Go down to the hospital and do volunteer work...read to the patients, pass out magazines...whatever. Tell the coordinator that you're looking for work and may have to take time for interviews, but meanwhile you want to stay busy. You can't hurt anyone pushing magazines and it'll keep you off the streets..;)

It'll also keep your family away from you and give you a place to hang out when you don't have an interview to go to. What they don't know can't hurt them or you while you work on getting something else lined up. Meanwhile, you'll do good for others :angel:

Now, if you really don't think you can handle working anymore, try for LTD or SSDI, but I don't recommend it. The money sux, it's hard to get, and there's no guarantee you'll be able to keep it once you get it. Look at me. Then there's my almost-ex who's sitting in the cat-bird seat on disability and he's far from disabled. :mad:

Guess I'd better get something done today. I've been on the computer all day working on stuff for the divorce until a little while ago. Well, as much as I'm able...it amounts to type a little, get up and move around, come back and type a little more, get up and move around, etc. I can't do anything for too long.

Keep your chin up. Love ya :angel:

Deb
Hi Karen....

Don't listen to your Dad. Also, don't feel bad about lying. It wasn't a malicious lie, it was a self preservation lie......like the wife saying "Do I look fat in this?" Same deal.

Job transitioning is tough for a NORMAL person. And you are wanting to relocate as well. You have a lot on your plate. Give yourself a little credit for dealing with the BPD, as well as the really stressful situations in your life.

I really hope you get the job....

Please don't let your Dad make you feel bad. That treatment is part of the reason why you are, where you are.

Love ya....

Jan
Hi Karen :wave:

After I finished my post to you on this thread and was getting ready to call it a day, my back was killing me, that's when I saw the other thread. I read it and felt awful, but I hoped and prayed that I had said enough in my post to you on this thread that you would be able to see what a wonderful person you really are.

You do know that one of the things about being BPD is that we tend to blame ourselves. "We are either perfect, or perfectly awful." It's either all our fault or all someone else's fault. There is never a "happy" medium or recognition of a middle ground. I'm sure that when you have all these people telling you it's your fault that you lost your job, it makes it much easier for the BPD talk inside to speak up and blame you, too. I've lived this with my marriage and job/earning capacity situation the past two plus years and my very BPD-ex took full advantage of the situation to project it all on me.

By the way, I've decided to start calling him my BPD-ex or ex-husband. I'm going to speak as if the deed were already done and overwith. Maybe I should call him my late husband :jester:, but I believe that the court decision is going in my favor.

The idea of volunteering is to get you out of the house and outside of yourself and outside of your father's sphere of vocalization for several hours per day or several days per week. Also, you will be blessed to be a blessing to others. I read the following this morning:

"A blessing has no effect in a vacuum. A blessing must have a hold in something, just as rain benefits only the plowed and sown field, and early and later heavy rains benefit the crops of field or vine. But a waste field, unplowed and unsown, will benefit from neither soft rain, nor the early or later heavy rains."

Volunteering is like plowing and sowing. Like I said, you might even find that job you're looking for. It's a great way to meet people and make friends, too. It's volunteer, so it's not like you have to marry it if you don't like it. Anyway, I won't push anymore, but that just popped into my head when I was talking to my good friend about you again recently and I can't seem to shake it. Who knows? He may have been the one to bring it up.

The latest in my situation is pretty crazy. My BPD-ex is still trying to claim my personal property as his. He sent a letter to his attorney who sent it to my attorney with a list of things he says he didn't get when he came to pick up his stuff. Some of the things weren't even on his original list and some of the things weren't on the court order because they are my personal property and some things we had two of I split with him even though they were my personal property like the recliners (he wants both), and then he claims not to have received things that I know he did and/or he's trying to get what is mine as in books and CDs, and then he walked right past other things that were on the list and the movers missed them, too. He also failed to return some of my personal property that he was to have exchanged, like a freezer, so the officers didn't let him take his. Of course, I wouldn't have had anyplace to put my food if he had without returning mine.

He's still trying to take away my rolling walker with the seat that he gave to me when I got sick and needed it. I've got a prescription for one, but it's hard to find a lightweight rolling walker with a seat that adjusts high enough for me. I found a place that takes Medicare and they're working on it, so hopefully they'll find one for me. Then I'll give him his back when we go to court. I want the judge to see what a greedy person he is and I also hope to be able to tell the story about the fight he had with his brother over that walker when Bubba tried to take it away from me for their mother.

I'm so very excited for you about your twin grandchildren. What a wonderful thing! I'm going to have to wait for great-grandchildren now. No hurry. the girls are very young.

I have twin cousins. They were actresses for a while. Did a Double-mint Gum commercial for television back in the mid-1960's. Then one got married and raised a family and the other continued acting--mostly theater--before she finally married and settled down.

Twins can be so much fun! I had a secretary once who had twin boys. They had their own language. I understand that some twins do that. One led and the other followed. They were a pair.

I'm sending another BIG HUG your way. Love ya :angel:

Deb
Karen,

Jan's right. You have the ball...RUN. And do stay out of the malls. It's one of my weakness, too. I can't shop online either. Very BPD-pull myself out of a funk by over-spending behavior.

Happy Easter! by the way. I hope you had a good day and spent some good time with your family.

I'm going to try to call my family and see how everyone's doing this afternoon.

Love ya :angel:

Deb





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