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I have not started the job yet, it takes a while to get all the labs done, but I did leave a message with the nurse manager to be sure I DO have a job especially since I have made a HUGE decision.

I decided that when a "straw that broke the camel's back" incident occurred just yesterday with dad and I almost went off on him, that I cannot handle the stress anymore and I am moving out...on a shoestring budget.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she did not seem to think it was a rash decision and just told me not to feel pushed to do it. Since it seems I am going to have at least another week until I start my job, I have enough money to get me moved into a place. I decided that NOTHING could be more stressful and anxiety provoking than this constant battle of wills here.

PLUS! Today when I watched a show about a married couple that were about to literally kill each other, Dr. P told the woman to move out of that house before sunset that day! That is how bad my situation is. I am seriously afraid of my dad. When he walks in the room I freeze up. I never feel comfortable, unless they are not here or I am in my bedroom. Mainly when I am asleep!! I never feel like I want to come home, that it is my haven to rest from the world. Back to the hurting people, I have been wanting to get a Tazer for protection and I am afraid that I might even use it on my dad because I get so super angry. My blood pressure is so high, and the only way to relax is to self medicate or stay out of the same room as him. I know it is going to be a big scene, but hey, I have been to hell and back. It might not be very easy financially, but luxuries can be left off in this case.

I wish I could go stay with someone, but I think it is time to gain back my independence. I am fired up. I have already been looking online at places and called about some today. I am seriously thinking of moving as soon as Friday. All my major stuff is in storage.

What brought this on yesterday was him telling me that basically I WILL fail at moving out, because I had been hinting around about it. And fail at my next job and the class, based on what has happened since my total breakdown. I have come miles and miles since then, September 19, '05, I never will forget that date! Since last June of last year, my whole set of behaviors have changed.

So on about $1200 I am going to try to make this work. Funny...I asked my ex to borrow some money who is filthy rich, and he actually had the nerve to say he was struggling..right! I shoulda known better. He did say he would co-sign for me anything so that might help. As long as I have a roof over my head, my bed and a jar of peanut butter...I am going to tough it out. Something just really has clicked in my head since yesterday and that Dr. P show. If you actually fear someone you live with and have to take verbal abuse to avoid the physical abuse...ugh...duh.:jester: No brainer there. I told my mom, but she said..oh he would not hurt you...ha ha. He once threatened not too long ago to "beat me and throw me out in the street" over some trivial thing.

I cannot wait to get out and settled. So wish me luck...and I am going to make sure I do have the job...Oh lord I pray. Please say prayers for me tomorrow, Jan and Deb. I will need it. I am going to take back the Easter dress I bought and shoes, that will give me another hundred.

It WILL work out!!

Love,

Karen ;)





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