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Hello everyone. Warning - this is kinda long. But check it out... ;)

I am undiagnosed, but also believe I am suffering from [B]PPD[/B]. I have been diagnosed with Depression but I feel like something more is going on.

As long as I can remember I have been [U]insecure[/U], or so I thought. When I was little people just thought I was [I]shy[/I], and I did at the time too. But I recently just started learning about PPD and I felt with every word I read, every behavioral symptom, that this was what is wrong with me.

This is how I have been living my entire life; I grew up isolated on an acreage with my mom (my dad was away for work 90% of the time) and a brother 7yrs older. Small K-12 school. Few close friends. I didnt talk much out of fear of [B]saying something stupid[/B]. I can never remember a time when I wasn't self concious. I was humiliated by my brother and dad alot growing up they teased me about being fat and dumb and I was a very sensitive child.
This is how I live now. I don't leave my house unless I need to. I avoid social get togethers unless it's important I be there. I get nervous going into stores alone. I feel like people are looking at me, staring, judging me and talking about me behind my back. Family, co-workers, boyfriend, strangers... everyone. It has literally ruined every relationship I've ever had and continues to this day. I have the most wonderful boyfriend right now and I'm destoying it with my ridiculous jealousy. I have no reason to be jealous! And I've become sarcastic, negative and cynical. I can't stand myself.

[B]I am even paranoid about posting this on the internet. [/B]Even though I'm under an anonymous screen name. I'm still worried someone will find it, figure out the screen name belongs to me, exploit me and laugh at me! --that isn't logical, is it?

[COLOR="Red"][B]IS THIS PPD? [/B][/COLOR]I would like to get an assessment. I can't bring myself to go to the doctor and tell him I think I have PPD. He will think I'm making it up in my head. I did one of those online "personality disorder questionnare's" and the result came back HIGH and VERY HIGH chance I'm suffering from Paranoid, Avoidant, Anti-social and Boderline Disorders?!?!?!

I always just thought I was "slow". But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe its just that I've never been able to get past the paranoia of what others are thinking as they look at me and therefore I am unable to focus on enjoying things and learning what I like, who I am and what I want out of life. Now I just try to blend in and be alone as much as possible, in my apartment usually. I watch alot of TV! lol

Is PPD a learned behavior?

Can a person change their structural thought pattern? So instead of thinking the worst and focusing on the negative, they can be positive and eventually change the habit of negative thinking? My bf always says, We Are What We Think.

*sigh* I feel exhausted and hopeless. Sorry this was much longer than intended. To [COLOR="Plum"]Unknown[/COLOR], I hope you find some [COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"]peace[/COLOR].





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