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Personality Disorder Message Board


Personality Disorder Board Index


Hi Waratah,

Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post. Your kindness means so much to me! I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed to my boyfriend, my family, his family, etc. It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have this condition. But, I know that with proper help, support, and love, I will get better. Also, reading your posts, and the other people's posts, I feel I have made some lifelong friends as well, thank you! :)

When I read about the symtoms and how people with BPD act, I fit into these to a T except for the cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts. If something sets me off, I will go into a panic, start crying, and obsess by asking him/them over and over, are you sure I am a good person, are you sure you don't want to be with anyone else, are you sure I do it for you, are you sure I am pretty enough for you, etc.. I have always had low self esteem, even as a child, and always felt worthless. The only time I felt I was 'good' was while having sex. I say to my boyfriend, that is where i 'Shine'. Don't get me wrong, I love sex (in our case making love), because of the love/emotional/spiritual connection we experience with one another as well as the physical connection. But..then I always ask afterward, 'was I good enough? Did i look okay?, etc.. It's so horrible that I have these thoughts. I also lack confidence in day to day things. I got my first guitar when I was 12 and I took guitar lessons. Well, I didn't keep up with them, or practice, because I wasn't sounding good yet, and even though you must practice to become good, I was too embarrassed and scared, even in front of my guitar instructor. However, I still have guitars this day, and basses, and I hope to goodness, I will start practicing, because even with this condition, my dream is to be in a band, and shine there too ;)

Another question I have is if I do have to go onto meds, do you know how long people in general will have to be on them? Also, is anyone familiar with taking Lithium? I know the 'shrink' said I may have to go on it in the near future. How do they make you feel, and also, are there side effects?

With any meds, I don't want to gain weight, or lose my sex drive.
Thanks everyone!

Karen





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