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Personality Disorder Message Board

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Hello. I am turning to here because I have no place left to turn, and I'm going through such an ordeal with my soon-to-be ex-wife. I am hoping to find some answers and perhaps some understanding.

To begin at the beginning, I met my wife when I was 25 and living out in California. We hit it off pretty quickly as we had quite a bit of chemistry and a lot of common interests. We dated for two years, and through the time, I was having difficulty fully committing to the relationship. At the time, I genuinely believed it had to do with race; she is half black, half Japanese, and I am white (Jewish). Now I wonder if there was really something else that I was in touch with, but could not identify.

During this time, she told me about her childhood; her father (black) met her mother (Japanese) while he was stationed with the US Air Force in Japan. Her mother was rebelling from the family, and they got married, and she was summarily kicked out of the family. They had a child (my wife), and then the nature of the relationship changed dramatically. He began abusing drugs, abusing his wife, and routinely bringing mistresses home, which my wife witnessed as she grew up. Eventually, the mom's friends arranged to sneak her off the base so that they could begin divorce proceedings, and they left when my was was 13. She saw her father for one summer after that, and then no more.

Fast forward again, and after two years of dating, I was laid off in California. My mom had passed away the year before, and I was interested in returning to the east coast to be closer to my father. We did not know what would happen with the relationship, but after I was out there for a number of weeks, I called her up, told her I wanted her to come out and live with me, and in return for giving up her life in Cali., I would help support her and let her go to college so she could get a degree, something she was pursuing through night school when I met her.

She moved out to be with me, and started going to school. At first she went to Community College to get her grades up before she applied to a Univeristy. She felt very different from the students that she met there and did not make close connections with them. Everything went well at the time, we got closer, and I eventually proposed to her. After planning the wedding for a year, we got married in May of 2006... and everything started to fall apart.

She was accepted into University of Maryland, over an hour away from where we lived, but she commuted to school. She chose UMD over Towson U. because it had an east-asian foreign language program and she could concentrate on Japanese. She was incredibly interested in doing an exchange program in Japan, and insisted that it was important to her. We compromised on a medium length program (3.5 months) with the understanding that I would fly out to visit her for a week or something while she was out there. Her program started in January of 2007, seven months after we were married. Less than a month into the program, she insisted that I do not come to visit her, claiming that her course load was too high, and she could not entertain guests. Her communication level dropped off dramatically as well, despite my constant efforts to converse with her.

By the end of the program, she began to warm up again, and spoke of how much she missed me and how much she was looking forward to coming home and being with me again, and my heart was relieved. Then the fall semester began, and we started having arguments about how much time I wanted to spend with her, and the fact that she wanted us to move back to the west coast. I did everything I could to appease her, and insisted that if she really wanted to move back, I would consider it. She had a few "girl's night out" and "study groups" in which she went out and I stayed home. It did not seem too out of control that semester.

Yet when the spring semester began, those "girls nights out" and "study groups" were increasing in frequency, and I began to get very upset. I asked to be included in them for just one night, or asked that she invite her friends out to visit us, and she would always get angry and refuse, and accuse me of being too suspicious. We struggled, we talked. I told her that I felt she had become rather emotionless with me, and it was a great concern to me, but she said she was simply not an emotional person, something which was more or less true throughout our relationship, but was getting worse over time. She secretly grew a pot plant in my house, knowing how much disdain I have for pot since my father abused it. And she continued to play an online role playing game after I had quit playing because I felt like I was getting too addicted to it. She claimed she continued playing it because she could practice her Japanese conversational skills (which was true.)

Eventually, one morning in July, I woke up, she fed me lunch, I lay down on the bed to pet the dog and fell asleep. When I woke up, she was gone, and I had a text message on my phone and a "Dear John" letter in my email. She came back the next day and told me she was leaving, and would find another place to live. She moved in with an ex-coworker of mine and his wife since she was good friends with the wife. Then in August, she moved down to College Park, claiming that she was moving in with some female roommates.

Last week, I have since come to find out the truth about everything, and I was so incredibly hurt. She was intimate with a guy in Japan, she was going out on dates during those supposed study groups, and she moved in with a guy in August that she had agreed to move in with back in April. As far as these people down in College Park knew, she was a single girl (passing for a mid 20-something instead of her real early 30-something age), with no husband, and if I ever came up. I was just some former ex-boyfriend. She left me, with my house, my cars, my job, and my unconditional love for her, to go live with a 22 year old (former) virgin that she had gone to school with, and was meeting online in the game that I had quit playing.

Naturally, when I found out about all of this, I was incredibly hurt and irate, and I told her that I found her out, but she denied any wrong doing, claiming I had everything all wrong. I began to poke around and pump her friends for information which, upon learning the truth about her marital status, were only too happy to share things with me. She got pissed that I was questioning her friends, and I responded that if she was just honest with me and told me everything, I wouldn't have to ask her friends.

So she called me up and leveled with me for an hour, admitting to everything, including the lies and the deception, and knowing that back in April, she would eventually be leaving me. I asked her why and what did I do wrong? All she kept saying was that she didn't know, she was ashamed, and I was a wonderful husband to her, but she just felt that she had changed, and no longer wanted to things I wanted. And that was the best explanation that I could get from her.

The next few days I tried to communicate to her how angry I was, and how hurt I was, but that I wanted to try to find a way to work things out, and at least be friends. She has done nothing since that time except explode at me for not leaving her alone or giving her any space, and being upset with me for making things harder than they have to be.

In the end, all I'm left wondering is why I chose to ignore the warning signs, and why she would do the things she did to me, and appear to feel so little remorse about them. Does anything about the above anecdote strike any of you as resembling a personality disorder? Can it be characterized by the preceding events? I would be happy to answer any questions about her if you have any. I really just want to understand if it's true that there's nothing that I could have done to prevent this. I'm hurting so badly... and deep down inside, I wish I knew how to help her.


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