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Hail all. I would really appreciate it if anyone can help or advise me. I am a 19yr old female, and recently my psychiatrist told me that I have an anxiety disorder with BPD traits, so first I just want to give a brief outline of my history.

From the age of 8/9 I was sexually abused by a relative. This carried on for about a year or two. I see this person everyday, so I am constantly reminded about those events. I always thought that I provoked it, that I was also a culprit, I only realized that what had happened to me was abuse at the age of 15. Ever since then everything in my life changed. I started smoking and drinking and getting high and having sex, all in one year. I don't think that I am promiscious, but I do fall in love waayyy too easy.

When I like someone, I constantly think about a relationship with this person and how wonderful it would be, but when I evetually get there, I always sabotage my own relationship, because in a sense I like pain, emotional or physical. I manipulate people and I tell so many lies that I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

I cut myself almost everyday, yesterday I had to get stitches, the doctor said I may lose my hand, because I went to the hospital too late. I have also been in the hospital for OD-ing on my anti-deppresants. The doctor said it was a miracle that I survived that.

I don't have rage problems, though I am quick to anger, but only in a verbal sense. I always ask people useless questions, like "why do you like me?" or "Who do you think is the prettiest girl in our class?", praying it would be me.

Sometimes I feel like I am better than everyone, that they are all just idiotic slaves to the community, and other times I feel so worthless, like I just want to die. This is why I find it difficult to commit suicide, I don't always want to die, but when I want to, the sad emotions are waaay to strong.

I often use people, not on purpose, i'm not that cruel, it just sorta happens....and then it becomes a habit. I'm also constantly bored, always seeking excitement, but my lust never being satisfied.

I seriosly still don't feel like I have a problem, isn't it human nature to crave new and interesting things? Most harm that is done, is done to myself, but thats ok, because I am a masochist. I just want to if anyone else feels like me, it just feels as if the whole world is turned against me. I know this could also just be my paranoia, but I feel misunderstood.

Some high points:

1. I have an average of 75 for this past semester, studying law
2. I recently moved out of my house, thriving in my independance

thank you for reading my loong boring note.





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