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Personality Disorder Message Board


Personality Disorder Board Index


Hey!
Lately I have been reading more and more into personality disorders and taking online tests after being called "selfish" and "antisocial" by an ex and it really scared me.
Firstly, it's like I always knew someting was not right with me, I always felt different, I could never fit in, it seems like I dont belong anywhere. I do not remember if I felt this way before highschool but I do know that I was really self conscious because of my acne(which by the way hasnt yet gone away, but my skin condition has emproved ...im 20years old).

However, since highschool started I got even more self conscious, I've been suffering from low self esteem ever since and it only seems to get worse because I always find more and more reasons to consider myself some sort of a subhuman.
Of course I did not really get along with my classmates or teachers even if I was(and still am) very smart, sometimes I feel I could do anything, I just lack motivation. I always blamed my parents for not allowing me to attend the highschool I wanted, feeling that my talents(which contests and people - teachers mostly - have acknowledged) are wasted in a place where I could never be more than mediocre.
Now that I've started University(which I haven't really chosen myself either), everything has gotten even worse, I lack motivation to study for my exams, I think school is useless and basically I have been failing every exam, thing that my parents are not aware of ... yet. I realise that if I could get motivated I would manage to be a good student but the feeling of "wasting myself" makes it impossible for me to find a purpose in what I'm studying. I have told my parents how I feel and they said things will emprove once i graduate and have a job, but I am not interested in that either. All I want to do is sleep and read . I also hate having to wake up to go to classes, hate to study for classes and of course I haven't made any friends at school because I feel an outsider.

That was with the school part, now off we go to number 2, which I think points out sociopathic behaviour towards me.

I dont really think I have ever loved someone in my entire life, even my mother has said to me once that she is sure I have no love whatsoever for my family .
I dont really have friends and I have a history of stealing from my parents and aunt, been reckless with money(even now I caused my parents a huge debt by not paying my bills), lied to everyone I know, made up stories about my past and sometimes felt no empathy.
I've been cruel with animals and verbally abusing my little brother without feeling sorry, in fact it felt quite nice. I never felt guilty for doing these things, not even when my parents pointed out that it was wrong, to me it seemed funny .

I am sometimes sorry for all this and even now, being the first time I write it down I get somewhat scared and it seems impossible that this could be the real me.
People who first meet me usually think I am a bit shy but strong willed and a nice person, mostly because I try to seem nice and I want to convince myself that I am not some sort of mad monster instead of a social being .

I have cheated on all of my former boyfriends and some of them aren't even aware of this, I have manipulated my parents and grandparents into giving me large amounts of money which I have no idea on what I spent and I'm known to be very impulsive, meaning that if i want something, I have to have it right away, no matter what. I am aware that this sounds like I've been spoiled, well I think that is also true, I always seem to get what I want from my parents and everybody else...and I am kinda selfish.

I also can't really seem to experience a wide range of emotions, in fact I can't remember the last time I was truly happy or angry, i just feel...neutral and sometimes scared or tensed by social encounters or school.

I am writing down all of this mostly because I want to autodiagnose myself(with the help of others, of course) and try to help myself as much as possible before ruining my parents' life and my own with all this erratic behaviour. I live in a place where personality disorders arent really looked upon and I don't think my parents really realise how "damaged" I am, they are just dissapointed sometimes but they love me too much and lack the knowledge to understand that something is truly wrong with me. I also don't really know if I can afford therapy without lying to get the money for it and I really don't want to do this .

Really, to me it sounds like depression combined with sociopathic personality disorder, but some insight would be really helpful. And sorry for the long post and possible spelling mistakes, English is not my mother tongue. :wave:





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