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Personality Disorder Message Board

Personality Disorder Board Index

I am 20 years old and have been feeling increasingly unstable since an abusive relationship when I was 16. For over 6 months now I have thought that I possibly had Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been diagnosed with depression after being taken to hospital for having complete break downs. Every doctor I see doesn't seem to listen to me or care what I am saying, and one doctor even lost my notes after I took a time consuming mental health test. I have lost faith in going to the doctors.

Some days I feel incredibly high - for example my heart will beat very fast, my eyes will be wide, I can't breathe and I feel happy and very chatty. Most days however I am unable to do anything, I will just sit inside on my own feeling depressed doing absolutely nothing and cry. I hate being on my own, and feel unable to do anything and completely hopeless until my boyfriend gets in from work. I love him and am extremely clingy but sometimes I feel as though I hate him, even though I know I don't (If that makes any sense). I am scared that he will leave me even though we just moved in together. I feel like he hates me. I am so scared of being alone, and if my boyfriend is 5 minutes late I assume that he has been in an accident or that he is with someone else. I get jealous of the girls he works with. I feel like I have no one, and am extremely paranoid that everyone hates me and talks about me - I have felt like this since I was young and never had any long term friends, which makes me feel so lonely. Because of this I am scared to go outside because everyone is looking at me, and I feel ugly. I will not go anywhere on my own unless my boyfriend will definately be there waiting for me or meets me. However, when I am faced with new people, I am chatty and try to get them to like me, but always decide that they didn't like me. Some people think that I am a nice person and I have been described as being funny but I always asume that they are lying.

I go into manic rages which I cant control and cut myself, but after 20-60 minutes I stop and am fine for another few days. My rages have put me in hospital as I get hysterical and threaten to kill mysef but they dont usually last for more than a day. I am obsessed with my weight and appearence - spending a lot of money on clothes which I do not wear, need or want, and I feel as though I am fat, but I am a size UK 4-6.

All of my past relationships with men have ended badly. I usually meet someone and get close to them extremely quickly, and it becomes intense. I get upset if they dont spend all of their time with me, eventually deciding that I dislike them and finishing it, only to beg them a few days later to get back with me because I hate being alone. I have threatened suicide many times and mutilated my body which has left horrible visable scars on my arms, legs and stomach because someone has rejected me after I originally rejected them.

I am really confused and would like to know if anyone feels like this at all. The way that I feel is ruining my life as I am trying to get through university, but most days I am too upset or scared to go there. I have no friends because I cant trust anyone and I just feel low all of the time. I can't talk to my mother as she has an illness triggered by stress, and my boyfriend does not know what to say which makes me feel angry. Im really sorry that this is so long but I wanted to put everything that I feel. Any support, advice or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

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