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I made a thread in the bi-polar boards, speculating that I might have that disorder. However, since writing that I've realised that I don't fit the symptoms well enough. I never experience "mania without happiness", and my mood swings are far too rapid cycling to be classed as bi-polar.

So here's a list of "symptoms" and relevant information which might indicate that I have the disorder:

- Huge mood swings. Typically, I find that I am very happy and comfortable for one entire day, and then I feel really stressed and unhappy for the entirety of the next day. The mood swings may also be as frequent as a few times a day, or as infrequent (though this is really rare) as once every 2 or 3 days.
- These mood swings tend to be based on environmental factors - which would indicate that it isn't bi-polar disorder. Specifically, it's usually stuff pertaining towards relationships. Currently there's only one person for whom I experience strong feelings of (what I call) love, but I find that I have always been obsessing about one person unrelentingly since the age of about 12.
- I find it really hard to understand myself at times. I'll usually make the decision every night or morning that the following day is going to be great, and my problems have gone, but part way through the day I'll have become depressed again.
- This depression has proven itself pretty volatile at times, and my thoughts are often preoccupied with suicide. I've gone to stand at the top of stairs on 2 different occasions, truly believing that I was going to throw myself down, but when the time actually comes I just don't have the guts. I've recently started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but I really don't see it working in the near future.
- Like I said, it's almost always to do with relationships - or more accurately, a lack thereof. I tend to idolise people, and then become really upset when they seem to be entirely uninterested in me at times. This may be paranoia, but also it may just be a fact. I do experience a lot of paranoia, though. I'm constantly seeing friendly interactions as flirtatious, and I do a lot of mindreading according to my therapist. I see the people I have feelings for as always having sexual motives pertaining to other people whom I also see a lot of.
- My perspective of people is ALWAYS changing. This is for friends, family, love interests, everyone. One moment I'll hate someone, be extremely jealous, bordering on violent thoughts (though thankfully I'm certain I would never act on them). The next, I'll see them as the nicest, most caring people imaginable.
- I can be really happy at times. So happy that I just find it impossible to believe that I have a disorder, and I end up getting annoyed at myself for ever thinking that I did. I think the only reason I'm able to make this post now is because I'm currently in a depression phase. When in a good mood, I always have a great deal of motivation to be creative and productive, and can at the best of times prove to be an adept socialiser, interacting confidently with several people at once.
- At my worst, I can't make eye contact (although to be fair, this is only really with the love interests), and I am reclusive and avoid things. I can also prove incredibly easy to irritate, usually with family or closest friends, with whom I think I've grown accustomed to saying anything I feel like.
- I do get some anxiety issues, too. I've been getting loads of involuntary head spasms today, for example.
- *Edit* I forgot to mention, my nana and her father suffered from bi-polar. That's one reason why I thought I had that disorder. I mention it again here though, because I feel a history of mental instability in the family is still relevant to BPD and such things.

One thing I will say though, is after researching the disorder, I don't think I fit the "impulsive or promiscuous" symptom. Even when really happy, I couldn't really recall a general nature of being impulsive. I always dress in the same way, don't go on spending sprees, etc. Do all sufferers of BPD suffer from bursts of impulsiveness and/or promiscuousness?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I don't know if I have a disorder or if I'm just moody because a girl I like doesn't like me (yeah, kind of pathetic). I'll regret making this post later when I'm happy, and just feel like I'm being hyper-vigilant. But in any case, I just want to get this whole "am I, aren't I?" phase out of the way, and just post the question on a health board. Thanks.

I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago after having gone through this whole what is it stage. I also spend alot of time thinking im fine and getting mad with myself for thinking or telling people that im not.
I am not promiscuous .. i'm a little impulsive although when i was younger i used to be a little of both of these.
My moods change on a daily basis(triggered by certain things), i can not have a normal bf gf relationship as my need to control everything is far to strong that i end up destroying them.
As for friends i'm not to bad although i have a fear that people are always talking about me and get upset if i think people are being nasty towards me.
I'm a very shy person when i first meet people and try to avoide situations where i have to meet alot of mew people.
My main issue with BPD is my anger and rages, i have at my worst swollowed many tablets and held knives against my throat. When im bad i self halm alot and think of suicide alot and wish i had the guts to go through with it.
I have a problem with trust and can not trust anyone .. this maybe down to past experiences though.
My opinion on people also changes as does my opinion on myself.. i never really know who i am and im constantly looking for myself. This has slowly got better with age.
I fall in and out of love very easily almost out of site out of mind.
I rarley have happy days although i do have good days sometimes good months even.
I dont know if this helps you at all but if this sounds like you then maybe bring it up with your doctor.
Becky x

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