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Personality Disorder Message Board

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I have been reasonably certain for the past 2-3 years that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, although I have never been diagnosed. Constant fear of abandonment, a long progression of unstable friendships that I can never seem to hold on to, various impulsive behaviors as a way of coping with my emotions (including self-injury), intense, frequent and inexplicable mood swings, and a terrible hatred for and confusion about myself...all of this has been going on most of my life (I am now in my 20s), and BPD is the first thing that has ever made sense to me as an explanation. However, at this point my insurance will probably not sufficiently cover any kind of therapy at all, and this combined with my financial situation makes the likelihood of me getting help soon pretty small. Even if I could get some therapy, for obvious reasons I am extremely hesitant to bring up BPD, since, as far as I can gather, I'd be likely to lose my therapist and open a real can of worms.

I have now been in a fairly-serious relationship for a year and a half. My boyfriend and I were friends for 3 years before dating and he knew how I could get, however, he didn't know to what *extent.* It's only really been within the last year or so that I have opened up enough to let him fully see the mood swings etc. He is going through a difficult time of his own and while sympathetic has found ways to make it clear he is reaching his breaking point. I have tried to internalize everything but that has resulted in us having, instead of an unhappy relationship, no relationship at all.

I have spent more time lately reading, again, about BPD, and I feel even more certain that I have this disorder. I've also seen a lot of the pain, frustration, and anger expressed by families/SOs of BPDs. I love my boyfriend, and obviously the idea of being alone, without him, is enough to send me in a panic, but I also don't want to be responsible for *destroying* him--which it sounds like, if I have BPD, I will. I'm seriously considering whether I should break up with him before I do anything worse to him.

Can anyone with BPD, or who has dealt with BPD (or frankly anyone at all) shed any light on this? Is this the right step to take? And if anyone's been in this situation, do you have any suggestions on how to handle it?

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