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Personality Disorder Message Board

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I think I have a personality disorder. When I take tests, it always gives me high results for borderline, avoidant, dependent, schizoid and schizotypal. I know I canít have them all (I might not have any), but I definitely see the the similarities. Borderline score is usually the highest (depending where I take the tests).

I am very unstable. I have horrible mood swings. Some days I feel confident; other days I donít even want to get out of bed. Some days I feel like Iím pretty & outgoing and if I go out everyone will like me; other days I feel like there is nothing good about me and everybody will judge. The best way to describe it is that I have up and down days. I hate making plans because I never know how I will feel that day. My ex (one of them-there has been many) started counting my moods and actually gave them names. All of my relationships have been unstable. I tend to date guys who lie and cheat, but I always stay with them. I might really like someone but for some reason I will get this uncomfortable feeling (when we first start to talk) and just stop talking to them. I wonít even give them an explanations I hate confrontation so usually I just ignore them. However, Iíve never really ďlovedĒ someone one day and then ďhatedĒ them the next day like many people with BPD experience. I donít think it is the other person; I know it is me. I donít date nice guys...I think because they make me feel bad about myself. Also, I am more fine with the idea of getting hurt than hurting somebody else. No self mutilation, but I can relate to the ďrising tensionĒ feeling. Sometimes it gets so bad, I feel like Iím going to explode. I try to exercise when I get like this. Sometimes I just cry. I would act out when I was younger...throw or break things including my TV. Once I kept punching the wall, not hard but my hand was bruised pretty badly when I was finished. I donít do that stuff anymore. I just keep it bottled in. I donít know how to talk about my feelings. I used to smoke weed to help unwind, but after months of consistent use (usually at least once a day), it made it worse. I now hate the feeling of being high and I never want to smoke again. Cigarettes help. I have not binged and purged in a long time, but I was throwing up on a daily basis for over a year. I still do not eat healthy though. I went from 150 to 130 in the past two months. I find no pleasure in food anymore. Itís like I am always looking for something that makes me feel better but I give it up when it doesnít work...nothing ever works. I am not suicidal, but I do have thoughts. I attempted once when I was 15, but I was really just looking for attention. Alot of it had to do with a first love...the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 13. Yes, I started young. Since then I have had sex with many guys. I think I am a slut...another reason that I donít date nice guys. I hate myself, and sometimes I think I donít deserve to be happy. I donít want to die, but I donít want to live either...itís like I have no motivation for life. I live in a constant state of depression. I just pray for the tolerable days.

What makes me think that it is not BPD is that I like to be alone.

Background info -- I was homeschooled until high school. High school was horrible for me. I was social but I didnít have any close friends. At first it was okay because I had a boyfriend...the guy I mentioned earlier. People also called me ditzy, and it really bothered me. My mom is like that too. Now I try hard not to come across like that, even if it means not talking at all. I donít have too much common sense, but I really think I just came across like that because I was so bubbly. I never wanted to step on peopleís toes. I always wanted to make them feel good about themselves. When me and my boyfriend broke up, I jumped into another serious relationship right after him. He cheated on me too, but I stayed with him for two years because I couldnít handle being alone. I have always been dependent. After I overdosed on pills (after the first guy), I didnít go back to school for a week. I immediately wished that I didnít do it. I couldnít stand the thought of people talking about me. I was afraid that people thought that I did it just for attention (which I guess I kind of did). But no one knew what I was going through. I didnít even know. It has taken a lot of self reflection for me to see things how they really are.

When I graduated, I wanted to go to college far away. I wanted a new start where nobody knew me or what I had done. I also wanted to get away from my mom because she was so involved in my life. I never really had any rules and my mom did everything for me. I am not responsible at all. When I got to college I wanted things to be different. I was going to be popular. And I was. I thought I was happy for awhile. I had close friends (I feel like most of them were superficial friendships though) and was making good grades. I told myself that having friends was the most important thing to me, and it I ever got another boyfriend I would put my friends first. I started dating someone. He might have been my first TRUE love. However, I was always suspicious of him. He kept me a secret, and he had other girls on the side. It felt like he was ashamed of me. He broke up with me several times. Each time killed me. We were together for over a year. While we were broken up over the summer, I slept with some one else. When school came back into session, he wanted to get back together. I was finally getting over him and I was hesitant... but foolishly I went back. Things were almost perfect. He was trying so hard, and he wasnít keeping me a secret anymore. I was so happy. We were only together a week when I discovered that I had HPV. I felt like a monster. I hated myself so much. I told him, and he left me. He went straight back to the girl that he had been cheating on me with. I thought about suicide a lot. I needed him, and he wasnít even there for me as a friend. He just completely cut me out of his life. He said he loved me, but I guess not. I would have stayed with him if the situation was reversed. I think that stripped every last piece of self confidence that I had. I was so depressed, but no one knew how bad. I put on a brave face. Thatís when I started smoking cigarettes and made weed a more common thing. I also started going out a lot. I liked the attention that I got. It made me feel better about myself. However, my grades went from great to horrible.

After awhile I started to resent my friends. I felt like they took advantage of me all the time. I canít say no to people. My mom is like that too. They were so clingy. I wanted to get away...from them...from him...from the town...from everything. I donít know how to express what I want because I am so worried about others, and so the easiest thing for me to do is remove myself from the situation. I run away a lot. I moved back home and took online classes. My grades got better. I got involved with some one else. He was the worst yet and had more issues than me. It became serious very fast, and I resented him. At first it was nice having someone. I was feeling insecure about school. I felt like a failure, like I could never amount to anything, like I would never be successful. I was living with him. It was a nice thought knowing that he could provide for me. However, he was so jealous and he didnít let me do anything. I felt like he was trying to trap me. I realized that wasnít what I wanted. I moved back to college....which was last semester.

It wasnít better. I ended up withdrawing from my classes. This was the worst year yet. I never got dressed up and I never went out. I didnít like to drink anymore. I was done with men. I didnít want a relationship; I didnít even want to date. I didnít have sex with anyone either. I also started distancing myself from friends. I had one friend that I couldnít get away from. I started to really resent her. I drove all the way home (hours away) just to get away from everybody. I always liked was like I had two worlds. When one got too stressful, I went to the other world. Neither felt like home though. I just wanted to be by myself this year. I value my personal time above anything else. I feel like being around people is so emotionally draining. I need time to recharge myself. I just feel like I have to put on a front when I am around people. They wouldnít really like me if they knew how I really was. Before, I was a social person. It was just close relationships that I had trouble with. But lately, I feel like I have become extremely socially awkward. I get so nervous and I hardly ever talk. I am afraid that people are judging me. I am afraid that I am going to say something stupid. Alot of times I donít even pay attention to what people are saying. I just read their emotions and go off them. I am so introverted. I have always been an introvert but it has become so bad lately. I feel like I live in my own little world where I just reflect. I was basically a pothead this past year. I liked to smoke by myself though. I feel like it helped me understand what Iím going though better. However it started to cause too much pain reflecting on everything which is why I stopped. I hated smoking with people. It made me so socially awkward and paranoid. I never had fun because I was so worried what everyone thought about me. I get so quiet when I smoke. I would try to join the conversation, but I always felt like everything I said was stupid and didnít make sense. I didnít connect with anyone...the same was as high school (high or not high). You might just say thatís what weed does to some people, but no...this was indescribable. Pure torture. I feel like it brought out my insecurities so much more. I worry about that stuff anyways, but it was just so much more intense. If I saw people texting in the room, I thought they were texting about me. I was just always so afraid what they were going to say about me. I think I am pretty good at reading peopleís emotions. I think I am very intuitive. Sometimes it feels like a curse. I am so afraid that I might offend someone. I never give my opinion. I really donít think I even have opinions. I say what I think people want to hear. I try to be what people want me to be. I canít handle the thought of letting anyone down. I can handle being around people for awhile, but I get stressed out if itís too much. Then I try to distance myself. I moved back home again. I hate feeling trapped. I canít stay in one place for too long. Honestly, itís not the school work. Sometimes I worry that Iím not smart, but I am. Itís everything else. I feel like I canít handle life. I am always stressed. I feel like I donít even know who I am. I have been trying to figure that out lately. I was thinking about joining the navy. I hate myself for not doing well in school. I had so much potential; I had such big dreams when I was young.

I feel empty and alone, but I choose to be alone. I literally hate facebook and cell phones. It is impossible to get away from anyone. I just wish I could disappear...go live on a deserted island for awhile. I used sex and relationships but I donít want that anymore. I want to change how I feel. I donít even know if I believe in God anymore. I was always raised as a Christian, and I know so much about the Bible (I can even dictate chapters). Religion was forced down my throat. Now I resent it. I think Christians are hypocrites and the world would be better without religion. There are so many different religions and it is no oneís place to say that theirs is right and some one elseís is wrong (this is actually one opinion that I am passionate about)! We simply donít know. We will never know. It scares me though. I have dreams where I am about to die and I plead to God to take me to heaven. I donít want to burn in hell. I think thatís what will keep me from ever actually trying to kill myself. I actually bought a book on Wicca the other day. It was just another one of my ďkicks.Ē I never stick to anything. I am always searching for something to make me happy...but nothing ever does. I donít feel normal. I feel like my life is meaningless and that I will never survive on my own. I am sad all the time, and I cry alot.

Can anyone relate? Does it sound like I have a personality disorder or am I just depressed? Sorry this was so long.

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