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Personality Disorder Message Board

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Re: Question
Feb 5, 2012
I am surprised and a bit dismayed to see that no one has responded to your post. It was a very well written post. So I will attempt a just as well written response so that you don't have to feel like no one cares!!

Well, to begin: have you thought or reflected on why you are/were having the anxiety attacks? Could you link to some trauma in the past? For instance, bullying in school? Gender/identity issues?

Have you thought to yourself/considered that the way you have been acting-- towards your mother, not caring about things that you know you should be caring about because they are important-- stems from just being a teenager and that eventually, if you want to!, you can move and grow past it? I don't mean this in any sort of way to take away from how you are feeling. I can certainly relate... you described how I was before I had too much emotional baggage catch up to me and cause me to hit rock bottom.

When you say you can't "connect" with others despite having similar interests, likes, dislikes, etc., how do you define "connection" to others? What do you see it as? How would you describe it? Where do you think you came up with this definition that you think to yourself or what influenced it? Your answers could help shed some light for you, and hopefully help you maybe see the WHYs for the things you feel/think/do, etc. It sounds to me like you want to try for some of those answers for yourself so you can move forward and get better!

Think on the things, people, events, etc. in your life thus far that you could say, "yeah, that had an affect on me, meant a lot to me, hurt me a lot, confused me, etc." There might and very well could be a lot that you might not even know of... subconscious stuff.
Nevertheless, I picked up on from your post that you are a bit more mature, inward-thinking type, thus I feel you might find some answers within yourself, or at least have some stuff to work from.

In conclusion, I will say that you are not alone. I felt similarly to you,--and actually still do occasionally-- and I thought I was very alone, and I had no friends/connections, (I played ice hockey to get out some of that violence in me, lol) but I was angry. It wasn't until age 24 for me that Life finally stopped me one bitter cold, snowy Minnesota Winter night where I felt like I had both legs in Hell, and grabbed me by the arms and dragged me to safety (and for me, safety was moving back to a place/town i REALLY didn't want to be).
But the moral of my story is that, I ran and ran (moved wherever I wanted, did what I wanted) but never faced myself inside, asked the important questions to myself that I was scared to, because they were old ones, from way back to seventh grade when I was so traumatized, I was for the fourth time the new kid in school and I decided I wouldn't talk the whole year, and the harassment rained down on me. Ones like yours: what does it mean to me to "connect" with others? Why am I so freakin' different?

Hope you haven't given up, and come back to post some more!

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