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Personality Disorder Message Board


Personality Disorder Board Index


Hi there, I am kind of new to these boards... Really all I would like to know, is if I should go to my doctor, and tell him what I'm about to tell you guys...I would like to know your honest opinions about whether or not you may think I have some sort of personality disorder...and maybe what one you think it could be...what I should do...keeping in mind though, I do have a cousin who was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, and I do think my mother has some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder.

As a child until I was 19 years old, I was emotionally and psychically abused. During childhood and the teen years, I was so convinced that my mother absolutely hated all of her children, that we were a burden..which is why she treated us the way she did... but now I am pretty convinced it's some sort of undiagnosed disorder...which could be the reason she treated us like that.

Anyways, here is a HUGE list of things I can think of off the top of my head that have happened in childhood, teenage hood, and adulthood (well I'm 25 years old now) to make me believe there is something there... just not sure what... I am really sorry about how long this is going to be...I just want to be thorough...I don't want to go see my doctor and "waste" his time...or him laugh at me...ok, here it goes I'm just going to put it all in note form:


[B]Childhood:[/B]

- I had a paranoid feeling as a kid, that if I did not count to 10 or 100 in my head all the time, I would die.
- When I got into a more rational state, I would ask my Mom if I was crazy. I truly felt I would die if I didn't count to 10 or 100. She acknowledged that I wasn't, and that she did that too sometimes.

- During ages 8 to 12, had severe sleep problems and inconsistency with
sleep.
- Paranoia regarding possible hostile actions by mother. Food poisoning,
fear of being killed by said parent. (Note mother's abusive nature)

- Despite lack of sleep, energy levels were considerably high.
-During the time of not sleeping much, I would always hear a noise, in the middle of the night that can only be described as an ash tray hitting the dining room table, and I would smell smoke as if it had just been lit…but I would be standing right at the table when it happened…everyone was sleeping, there was nothing/no one there.

-I had many many times I thought bugs were all over me…I would scratch trying to get them out…I thought they were in my ears and everything of the sort.


[B]Teen years:[/B]

- In my teen years, I would have "black outs". There would be times that I would have said or did something and then wondered if I had just done that or said that. Or just the knowledge of knowing I did, but not knowing what it was that I done.

- Severe depression, Self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
- No interest in hygiene. Not bath for weeks at a time.
- Drastic weight loss in short time frame. Not eating. No desire to.
- Excessive sleeping. Day and Night.
- Quitting jobs impulsively or lack motivation to work.
-I ultimately ended all contact with the outside world..I hated to leave the house…I never changed clothes.


[B]Adulthood, present:[/B]

- Noticeable fluctuations in sexual desires. Have noticed in recent times, a
heightened sexual drive.

- Excessive worrying over small or non-existent problems. Same problems will come up at times, with the same feelings.

- I am unsure of myself. At times, I feel like I am the most important person in the world and that the world could not survive without me.

- All my life, I have started projects and not seen them finished. I have tried
to get my Grade 12 on three occasions and I have suddenly stopped and not finished…for no reason! As if I had completely forgotten about it.

The same feelings towards work. I have quit things without seeing them through to the end. Upon my return to my hometown, I began to
start working on arts & crafts to make some money. I had spent a great deal of money on this and worked on them for a short time, and then quit suddenly.

- I am a creative person. I love art and making things. But now, I have no ambition to do so, or any desire to do so. It feels like a cycle.

- I have always been in and out of depression.
- During my most recent employment, loved the job. Was on disability twice
first time was for "anxiety and stress". Was given anti-depressants.

- Upon return sleep patterns began to be disrupted. (while on mirtazapine)

- After work was complete, days would begin at 3:30am, having gone to bed between 12 and 1 am.
Full of energy by 3pm arrival at home after walking home from work an hour and a half earlier. Would feel restless and need to keep moving or do something. Despite lack of sleep, energy levels were high.

- Feelings of loneliness, despite being constantly joined by my fiancee.

- Feelings of uncertainly, worthlessness and general self loathing.

- Even when things in life would go well, I would feel depressed and
would suffer some random outburst towards family or others for no apparent
reason or something of a small nature.

Would cry without provocation. Later, would question reasoning for the outbursts despite there being no reason for it.

- Mood swings, with negative moods lasting longer than positive…ALL the time it seems!

- Feel pressured to talk. Even opening up in detail to people who do not
need to know the details. Feelings of the need to talk, until someone asks to stop.

- Feelings of regret. Will say something and later question it, and feel
embarrassed for having said it. Difficulty in letting matters go that have caused embarrassment.

- When meeting new people or friends, if something is said or done, I
will have a strong dislike them for a long period until I feel more clear headed
And “normal.”

- Have always felt that someone was saying something bad about me, or that
they question why I act the way I do without me knowing why. I will question
"why did I do or say that?"....well after its too late to do anything about it.

- When taken anti-depressants, when I thought they had worked, I knew they had not remedied the problem they were prescribed for. I have not felt normal, despite the claims that the pills will make me feel that way.

-And one severe thing right now… I don’t seem to have a “memory”….my concentration seems to come and go… I can disassociate from people all the time.

-Excessive eating…after I eat my dinner.. I will start eating sunflower seeds, then when I’m getting sick of those, I will start eating something else like Mr.Noodles, and once done that, I go right back to eating the sunflower seeds, this occurs from the time I get up, until the time I go to sleep at night.

So again, so sorry for the long LONG note here...I just worry about going to the doctor if this is nothing....

Thanks in advance!!

Rsky :)





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