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Personality Disorder Message Board

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'll try to start from the beginning but it may jump around some:

I started lying when I was very young. I believe it was 1st grade or something. Mostly used it to stay out of trouble then. Slowly it grew into seeing if I could get someone to believe what I was saying and seeing how long I could keep the lie going. Never had many friends and they few I did have could lie just like me and that always got us into trouble. I wasn't abused as I child, in fact I had a rather good childhood. Vacations, 4-H camp and my own horse. I remember getting angry a lot and running out to the tin barn and throwing rocks at it just to hear the loud noise and to feel the power of my arm when I threw it. That was one of the very few things that used to calm me down. When my family would fight, I would go hide in the laundry room and bang my heels to drown out the noise. I started getting panic attacks then, or that is what I think they are. Heart racing, jaw clenched, shallow breathing, shaking, wide eyes and white face. Anyway, so the lies were a big thing and if I was ever caught in one... there was hell to pay for the person that caught me. I never physically hurt anyone but in the end I would never speak to them again. I do not like being caught in one and I will fight with everything I have to make sure of never being caught. So lots of lies. Lies about being deadly allergic to things just so I wouldn't have to eat them or that they would have to think and remember this while making food, and if they did make something that had something I was "allergic" to, I would try to make them feel bad before offering to make something for myself. I actually got so good at this that I've started getting the hives from some of the foods or products. I've told people that I had cancer and was dying. I asked them to help me research treatments and other things involved. I did my own research before hand so I would have a "Doc" all lined up and all the normal things that a person who had cancer might have. The one person I told this lie to lived about 600-700 miles away and we talked on skype everyday for 8-10 hours a day or more. Anyway, he did illegal things for me just to make me more "comfortable" and to help. A few months back, him and his girlfriend were moving across the country and were having a rough go at it. I offered to come help. I lied to my fiancee and told him I was going to see my father's grave. My father died a year ago and the only thing I feel bad about is that...come to think of it, I don't really feel bad. Dad was not really in my life except for a few weeks one summer and that's all I remember. Sorry, rambling. Ok, so I drove the 600-700 miles to help pack up his and his girlfriends place and hitch their car to my truck and take them across the country. He tried to drive one time but he freaked out and I we made a deal: I could drive the whole way but I would have to stay with him and his girlfriend for good. You see, I made my fiancee out to be a bad guy so he would want to love and protect me. I did this with 2 other guys before him. One was more cautious and just wanted to fly half way across the world to meet me and see if we clicked. The other guy I had convinced that I would move across the country to be with him. I held that lie until the very end and then I came up "pregnant" so I had to stay with my fiancee. But anyway, so about a week and a half into the trip (trip took 12 days) my truck broke down and he had to use the reserve money that was supposed to be my gas money home, on the truck to get it fixed. I agreed to this by the way, and broke down later that night. I cried like a baby and finally ended up emailing my fiancee and told him that I wasn't coming back. I don't remember what all I said but most was a lie. I have left my fiancee and cheated on him... 3 times so far and just two days ago I made plans to hook up with someone else. The people I left him for all thought I was god's gift and liked to take care of me. I left them to go back to my fiancee. I'm curious about what happened to think and sometimes wonder if there is anyway to remind them of me, just to see if they still love me. It sounds kinda sick but it's how I feel. So, after this trip, I get up there and a few weeks later I start planning on how to get back to my fiancee. Had to win him back first of course. I said all the right things and even told semi-truths when he asked major questions. Finally got him wanting me back and then had to work on getting home. I hunted for a job but I knew it would take too long and I couldn't keep all of it up for that long without getting bored and starting new stuff. So I faked depression and anger. I hide away in my little room and started telling people online how unhappy I was and making my friend out to be the bad guy. My step father emailed me and let me know that the house was going to be taken if he didn't get it fixed in time and he couldn't do it on his own. So I used that to make my friend help me get home. Driving would take too long, or so I told him, so I had to leave my truck and fly home. Put the truck up for sale and he got my a plane home. He also gave me over $1000 to live on and get a new car or truck. So I fly home and smooth over the rough edges of my relationship. Easy enough, took a few weeks.Told my friend, who thought I wasn't going back to my fiancee and who I made fall head over heels for me, that I wouldn't come back and that it was all a lie. I was hoping that by telling him all that he would just go away and I would have an easy get away. Yeah, didn't happen that way. He recorded my skype calls and recorded us having sex and was going to post it on youtube to ruin me. He even had all the logs from the past year which he put together in a huge story for youtube. I'm sure his is alot more detailed but I'm trying.So that is part of my problem.

I don't really feel guilty for any of this, I just think I taught someone a lesson in life and that they should just go away and leave me alone.

I used to be addicted to drugs but I'm not anymore. I don't crave them and I won't go out of my way to get them.

I used to be able to hold a steady job but they never lasted over a year or so.

I don't really have a plan for my life except to make sure people take care of me no matter what.

I worry about a lot of things, to the point to where I cannot sleep at night. It's only when I really pass out from no sleep is when I actually sleep now days.

I'm very shy in a crowd of people that I don't know, but as soon as I make a friend or two, then I get charming and people "like" me.

I don't think love exist. I know i would be very sad if my mother or fiancee died, I would scream to the heavens I'm sure; but I don't think I love them for the simple fact of I've lied to them, about them and have made ever person I know into a enemy of some sort to one person or another. My stepdad agrees with me and don't think I can love. He went through some stuff as a kid and is very much like me in some ways. Except the lying part, he doesn't do that.

I could never physically hurt someone or something, thank god for that.

I get crushes on people and want to make them fall for me. I think it's just to feel wanted and being able to wrap them around my finger. I am doing better about this though. I have a friend who we agreed to not share any real life details about ourselves. There are some small ones but nothing huge. Still trying to get him to fall for me but it's better than what i have done in the past.

I get bored with people so I do things and they usually get upset and either leave or fight. If they get angry, I see how long and what it takes to reel them back in. It's actually gotten to be a game for me now. I try not to do it often though because one day it will probably backfire.

I like telling people that I'm still a stripper. I used to strip but I quit after a year. But I like saying I am so they will want me more. I'll even go on cam with some and have sex.

I used to steal from work, small things that not many would miss, but then tell on people who stole at work. Usually it was because I didn't like them and they didn't like me. They all thought I was a snob when I was really just shy and tried to stay away from them. I wanted the guys to like me but there were other pretty girls there so I didn't get a second glance. It was fine really, I was almost the oldest there and had other things to do.

I try to cover up things that others do... and I don't know why I do this. I only do it with my fiancee though. If he forgets something or does something, I'll always cover for him even if it's not really that big a deal. Like when a friend asked how the packing was going, I told him I had plenty done instead of " when my fiancee brings home boxes, I'll start doing the packing."

That's all I can think of right now. There's lots more with my parents, my brother and my friends. I've done some selfless things here and there but that's all for now. It's 1pm and I haven't been to sleep yet. I hope someone can point me in the right direction of what is wrong with me and what's the first step in getting help.

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