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Re: I'm so sad
Jan 25, 2016
Dearest Worrybucket,

Your worrybucket really IS full! I can understand your fears and how you feel, and I do not blame you. Life is not easy.

I just want to share a different perspective.

The fact is his mother recently died. This is a life changing, threatening event that most often stirs up fears we may have never had to face.

Maybe your husband really IS afraid of aging, maybe even of dying. It seems to affect women differently than men. We tend to worry and get depressed, maybe even morose, and men tend to try to recapture their youth. I personally think this is what your husband is doing. Why assume that because he is spending more time with buddies that he is cheating or will cheat?

There was a spell years ago when my husband got nervous about his aging and became hyper vigilant about [U]my[/U] looks, making comments now and then about a few gray hairs I had, etc. I felt like being mean and saying 'well buster, do you think I don't notice the skin that now is sagging along your ears when you are laying on your back?!' I chose not to say that since I didn't even care about his sagging skin. But I thought it.

I finally did go to my pastor (who doesn't take sides - don't go to anyone that may not be fair and balanced) and I described my husband's negativity toward me and the pastor called us each in for a chat together. We went in separate cars, as I was that irritated at him. I just was quiet while the pastor asked him questions about what was going on in his life, and of course my husband poured out his irritations about me. The Pastor saw right through it and told him to get into the Men's support group, which BTW, my husband I both did, me of course into a Ladies Support Group. The groups were all about taking care of our own attitudes and behavior rather than to blame others for what we feel. One result was that my husband began to learn I am not his problem and vice's something we have had to keep working on as we are both codependent.

I understand that you don't know for sure why your husband is fixing himself up and is spending all that time with his buddies. You can only know that you fear it means that he doesn't want to be around you.

No one has control over what another person chooses or believes. Running away from your husband won't make him suddenly want to spend time with you or be more considerate. But YOU can CHOOSE to drop the worry and choose to be optimistic. Not because life or relationships are easy, but because [U]you[/U] [U]deserve[/U] to enjoy your life. You can choose to look at what you have rather than what you don't have. You can choose to model optimism to your child.

Frankly it is very difficult to spend time with a depressed person, because we are helpless to fix other people's depression. If I had a wand to make you feel great about yourself, I would wave it, believe me! It's just not possible. We each have to do that work for ourselves. Just as your husband needs to correct his outlook, so do you. Get busy with that and he will either fade away and you will be able go on just fine, or he will notice and be jealous of [U]you[/U]! Either way you will have taken charge of your own happiness.

One thing I am sure of from 34 years of marriage is that if we wives tend to feel depressed and worried and blame others for what we feel, it is us that are making ourselves feel powerless. The truth is everyone can only change ourselves.

If you wonder what your husband is doing, try taking care of your own self, making your own self feel better. Without discussing it with him or asking him, leave your daughter with someone or at home, and spend an entire day not answering the phone, dressing up, getting your hair and nails done, buy new shoes, buy an outfit...go to a museum, or zoo, go out to eat and to a movie...whatever floats your boat. Or get a massage! Hey the possibilities are endless.Don't do it to spite him. Do it because it feels good. If you don't have the cash, I think it is fine to just this one time put it on a credit card. You can budget to pay it off.

Your husband may ask you where you were or may not even notice. Who cares? you do it for yourself. It makes YOU feel worthwhile to take care of your self. It causes feel good hormones in the body. You deserve this. Not to hole yourself up in a hotel waiting for him to care.

I just want to add that over the years I did learn my husband had a deep fear of aging & becoming helpless and of dying. That's why he had kind of went over the deep end, being bothered by seeing me age and trying to make himself feel better. The men's support group helped him realize this. WE LADIES cannot make our men see it.

I figure my job is to work on not being co-dependent with him, and to keep working on my own mental health. His fears are about him, not about me. Mine are about me, not about him.

Care for yourself. it feels good. it IS good!

I hope you take some of the suggestions and report back how good it feels to just look after your self once in awhile, for a change.

Whether he is around or not, you get on with it girlfriend.

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