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Relationship Health Message Board


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I am new to this site, but i have been lurking for a few months, as well as reading everything i can about adhd.

I have been dating a lady for about 5 months, and she is adhd and hasnt been on her meds (as far as I know) the entire to weve been together. Let me start with what i enjoy about this woman:

She is 33 years old (im 40) and while I would call her slightly better than average in the looks department, she is an attractive woman. The one quality that stands out to me as to why I do adore her is, she is very intelligent, she will work hard (manual labor and office) and beyond this there is just some sort of vibe we have, that just feels awesome.

She manages a very fast paced (for privacy sake ill call it a rec area) with lots of living creatures needing constant care, as well as retail portion, and the operations side (employees, sops, etc etc) The days average in the 12+ hr range.

At home she has a child of 5 yrs old, 2 dogs, 2 birds, a cat, and a part time roommate, that also works at the same place.

I too am self employed, and was raised in start up companies, and totally understand the challenges with the scheduling and the time commitments.

From fairly early on in our relationship, things have been quite one way, which I have accommodated, because I am much more flexible with my day, I can get away from work pretty much how I want. Now I have never minded doing the things I have offered to her. Clean her kitchen, walk the dogs, to helping her at her work to very late hours, just so, we can spend time together.

When it came time where I didnt need her to "do" anything but be there for me through a very stressful period, she really wasnt. Now part of the stress was her inattentiveness to my needs to begin with.

I am a man and have needs, that have never been a challenge for me to be fulfilled by the women I chose not the ones just willing. While I probably over committed too soon as far being very "boyfriend" cooking dinner, calling ahead do you need, Ill be there right now etc

The one way thing would be right down to NEVER coming to my house, since very early on when she were keeping her house life separate from me. For about 18 days in april I pretty much lived at her house, because she wanted me there, and even know i werent getting my needs fulfilled, i still enjoy being around her.

I had been hinting, subtly, not so subtly, directly, hitting these points on its feeling one way, i never wanted to "list out" my good deeds for the fear of it seeming like a tit for tat thing, but finally I did, just to articulate the point that "hey *** "

Her child appears to also be adhd in some form, because she will have these absolute ridiculous outbursts of emotion, that seem totally off the charts for not much. While in one incident, I did not handle it as well as I should, and was obviously outwardly furious, I did not touch the child, nor yell, but I have not been that angry for quite a while. This was about a week ago, and mom asked me outside to relax/calm down.

This is where I said to her that, hey I understand what is going on. I am taking moms attention away from her and she is getting jealous about it. Side note: the kid would get jealous any time i would bring mom something and she would ask what i brought for her. Mom had been to lenient on sharing her bed with the child, but now I were in there, and that was a problem.

Mom said while we were outside well maybe you should take a step back, i need to spend more time with her etc etc. She said her last S.O they dated on a schedule so, she could be sure to attend to the childs needs. I agreed makes sense.

I had to leave town on business, and while I were away, (this was a major trip for me fraught with anxiety) we were supposed to get together the night before i left but she didnt feel well, then the next morning i stopped with coffee on my way to the airport, it was a very brief encounter because she had to get ready for work and get the child up. I got one random text while I were on my way, then the rest of the week no matter what i did she would not initiate contact. Now I can check my phone and see where she had been active online (i never told her that I know this) but nothing to me. Finally i just called and we spoke and said Ok friday night we're doing something fun.

Nope she canceled didnt feel well still, same on saturday.


(I am getting to a point hang in there)

Sunday morning i just said via text "im coming to see you this afternoon" I picked up some things for moms day for her, and wrote a note in a card. I get to her place shes at the pool with bro inlaw.


I asked her "hey im just a stupid man, so i do not understand subtle ques, you have to be straight with me, is there a problem or do you need space?" She replied with there isnt any problem, i want you here etc etc

Now we're on to the next day and she agreed to plans on tuesday, I sent her what I have in mind last night, no response.



Ok, I used the above to lay out where we're at. The challenge has been very one way, and when it was ever brought up she would say " i do things for you" Or maybe I would say "hey i took care of this, now do something nice for me" this was in a cheeky way but serious. And she would say something like well you're wooing me now, so i dont have to... or something to this effect.

This has been a major theme in our relationship for things to be totally one way, and while I said earlier I have been accommodating because I do understand, and when it is she and I no distractions work is not falling apart etc, she is about the only woman i have connected with since my divorce 6 yrs ago. And even know in my opinion everything is all messed up, I maintain my feelings for this woman, if she would reciprocate. I mean at certain points, i feel so ignored, that its feels on purpose. As if trying to drive me out. Now, I realize she has some other baggage from domestic abuse, and whatever else that had gone on, but the one thing that is infuriating is the "aloof/apathy" thing. In person (except for yesterday) she will be right next to me and attentive with touch etc. Perhaps a piece of this is the last couple weeks weve had no way to directly connect, which is making it worse, or its making me wake up.


Now, as I see it right now, i have no idea if I will hear from her, she has always said its BS to break up over the phone, or via text, and is to be done in person. So I will give her space, and certainly not going to chase her any longer.


Is what i am describing just an "A-hole" or is this something within adhd? Most things I research online is typically married women with husband issues and not much about inattentive women. Its almost as if I am the woman in this relationship, trying to talk it out, taking care of all the "man" things, and delousing the for lice at her house.


I am sure I have missed a lot of what I really want to articulate, but I have my own attention issues, that were diagnosed before there was any really had a good format for figuring it out, which I know I need to address also.





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