It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


So for a little background I am 25 and my gf is 19 will be 20 in August. We met via a mutual friend and hit it off and she moved into my apt after 3 months, I know it was quick but she had a very horrible home life, her mother was mean to her, would steal from her and is an alcoholic/takes illegal drugs, but when she came over it was always a great time.

When she moved in she still didn't have her driver's license or a vehicle, fortunately my apartment is within walking distance to a lot of places she can work. After being here a month she finally got a job at the neighborhood market very close by, just a 10 minute walk. I also work at a neighborhood market albeit one further away. The great thing about it was that we had the same schedule, go in at 10 PM and work till 8 AM.

Her job was stocking working in dairy. The problem was after just the first day she started complaining about how difficult it was. I told her to just stick it out that it can hurt in the beginning but you get used to it, just trying to give support. She would cry all the time before having to go to work and despite me trying to encourage her to stick it out (I also do stocking) and they were going to cross-train her for cashier after two weeks she quit. She didn't even call to say she quit she just stopped going.

I also should note I have a roommate that I split the bills with but he's never a problem, and stays in his room pretty much all the time but does pay the bills so while I didn't need her to help pay bills it was going to be nice to split the bills 3 ways. Anyway, after that I tried to encourage her to keep applying for a job telling her she may find one she liked, but I noticed when I would give her suggestions she would often not apply, but eventually after 3 weeks since she quit her market job she managed to get a job as a hostess a restaurant, though this one I had to drive her to.

She still has the job but there are two big issues. Since she can't drive and I have to drive her after I get back from work I am wanting to go to bed but can't because her hours are in the day obviously and it is just part-time her hours can change but usually it's around 5-9 or 3-6, it can greatly vary.

Well now she is complaining about her hostess job mainly saying the waitress' are real mean/rude, yell at her, order her around etc. etc. To the point where she applied at another restaurant as a hostess hoping as she put it, gets treated better.

The second issue is I have a great friend that I have known since middle school that also lives in the same apartment complex and we love to go fishing, before my gf moved in we would go fishing on the weekends about every other week, but my gf complains when I want to. I did invite her to go with us and she did the first two times. The first time we had some fun but the second time after about 45 minutes she just said she wanted to leave. I told her can't we just stay for a little bit longer and she threw a fit. And my friend had to leave as well because his vehicle is big enough to carry everyone and the fishing equipment.

Ever since when my friend asks me if I want to go fishing my gf throws a fit and complains we don't spend time together, despite the fact we are with each other pretty much all the time when she or I were not working. I told her I enjoy spending time with her but I hadn't gotten a chance to see my friend for a month and she yelled "That's not my fault!" ***?? How is it not? We do things together when money is available and watch movies and stuff but I hate not being able to see my friend and telling him I can't hang out with him because my gf will complain.

Now the thing is despite all of this when she is in a good mood we do have a fun time together, but I have noticed she does not persevere, if she is faced with any kind of difficulty or hardship she just stops doing it, or cries/complains about it. And while I want her to have a job she likes I feel she has unrealistic expectations and would like her to save up to get a vehicle and her DL so she can drive herself. I really wish she would have stuck it out at her first job because it was so convenient she could easily walk there and back, had much better hours and pay and when it came to our days off we both shared one where we could do something and I had one where she did work but it was me time or spend time with my friend so it was perfect all the way around but she quickly threw that out the window.

I just don't know what to do. I do feel she is lazy. heck the other day she was complaining because after I took her to work she was told she had to work a double shift yet all she did was work for 3 hours from 2-5 and then another 3 from 7-10. Yet she keeps telling me how "exhausted" she is. Is being a hostess truly that exhausting of a job? I can't see how it is worse than when she was stocking dairy.
I don't think she is lazy. She has applied for jobs and has actually started doing them. If she was lazy she would have found all sorts of excuses not to even bother applying. I think she's going through a couple of things at the same time, so she loses her strength in dealing with new situations. She has had an abusive mom, a horrible home life, now she has moved in with you after 3 months of dating, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a DL, ... . She is under a lot of stress, which makes her irritable.
If I wanted to support her, I wouldn't encourage her to find a job right now. She needs to figure herself out. She needs some time to put herself together. Then (hopefully) she'll be ready to work again as hard as you do and contribute to bills, etc.
Btw, working 10pm-8am is not an easy job at all!
[QUOTE=halo29;5419925]I don't think she is lazy. She has applied for jobs and has actually started doing them. If she was lazy she would have found all sorts of excuses not to even bother applying. I think she's going through a couple of things at the same time, so she loses her strength in dealing with new situations. She has had an abusive mom, a horrible home life, now she has moved in with you after 3 months of dating, doesn't have a job, doesn't have a DL, ... . She is under a lot of stress, which makes her irritable.
If I wanted to support her, I wouldn't encourage her to find a job right now. She needs to figure herself out. She needs some time to put herself together. Then (hopefully) she'll be ready to work again as hard as you do and contribute to bills, etc.
Btw, working 10pm-8am is not an easy job at all![/QUOTE]
Not lazy? How so? I have always had to keep on her to apply for jobs at all otherwise she would just be in my room 24/7 watching Netflix which is pretty much all she does anyway when not working. Even asking her to help with the dishes she whines about. She works as a Hostess all she does is sit people for 3-5 hours 4 days a week, yet she acts like she got back doing something like construction work.

What gets me is she will sometimes have to do a double shift which in total MAY be 7 or 8 hours yet she acts as if that is so awful.

Wait to figure herself out? How is she going to do that by just sitting in my room all the time watching Netflix and complaining about how much her life sucks. (which she does a lot) Even my roommate has mentioned that he is bothered that she is taking up more resources but not really contributing.
Get rid. She's a blood sucker. Needs to step up her game...if she's like this at 19 imagine what she'll be like at 29?! You only live once mate....go fishing!!
Unfortunately it sounds like you've got yourself a little girl who doesn't want to grow up and be an adult with adult responsibility. Whatever you do, don't get her used to having everything handed to her without having to work for it cause based on what you've written about her she sounds like the type who would milk that for every possible opportunity to not have to lift a finger.

Maybe you need to sit her down and have a talk with her about your expectations of what she needs to contribute, both to the relationship and to the household. And make it clear that there will be no freeloading here. The last thing you need is to end up having to support her while she sits home all day doing nothing.
So it's not that she's unhappy with her work. She literally doesn't want to any thing. Watching Netflix 24/7 isn't something a healthy 19 yr old would do. I didn't say you should wait for her to figure it out. I said you could help her if you'd like (that I think you have done by helping her finding a job, driving her to work, ...). If she doesn't try to sort it out, why to waste your life with someone so needy?
I don't know if it's laziness or something else, but whatever it is do not get sucked down this road any farther than you already have. She likes to play the victim and take no responsibility for herself....
you have a preview of what life will be like if you stay with her.....
I'd tell her she needs to work and contribute equally to the household or she needs to move......no more excuses.....plenty of us do jobs every day that we don't care for.....boo hoo
So I thought I should do a few updates.

One is she quit her hostess job and is now going to work part-time at a Subway real close that she can walk to, thank god.

After a little prying she told me she has had depression since she was a teen. She has taken meds for it, 5 different kinds in fact, but she says she doesn't like to take them because in her words they have all made her violent, angry, given her nightmares, made it hard to sleep etc. etc.

I can totally see how she has depression, but after all the meds she has taken and it having adverse effects she doesn't wish to take any more. Of course I don't want her to if they are going to make her feel worse but at the same time it gets really frustrating how she's always so down pretty much 24/7.
Here are my thoughts. :)

It sounds like your girlfriend might have some trouble with anxiety/insecurity. I may be totally wrong, but that is what I am seeing. That might not seem obvious to someone who hasn't dealt with it, but it seems to me like that might be what she is dealing with.

For people with anxiety, starting a new job can be very difficult. They can feel like their coworkers don't like them, can be very self-conscious about what their coworkers think about them, worry about whether they are doing a good enough job, become easily stressed over things that might seem insignificant, etc. This can lead to them wanting to change jobs thinking it's the job when it's really how they are perceiving their surroundings. I have struggled with this and the best thing I have been able to do is look up ways to address anxiety. When I was able to recognize when I was being influenced by my anxiety rather than by what was actually happening, I began to be able to "talk myself down." Over time, I have been able to feel much more at ease in these situations. I would also encourage you to look up anxiety symptoms to see if you think they fit with what you have seen with your girlfriend. There is also a lot of information out there on how to help people with anxiety when you are in a relationship with them. Anxiety issues are also especially common with the type of background you said your girlfriend has.

In addition to stress about work peers, last minute changes to a schedule or an irregular schedule can also set someone off who has anxiety (like when her shift was changed). People with anxiety tend to freak out in the beginning when they are in a new situation until they start to feel comfortable and secure where they are. If she finds a job she likes and stays with it while working through her anxiety, she will likely start to feel better.

My husband and I have had similar issues come up about spending time together. It is very important that you are each able to have your own lives and hobbies. Encourage her to make friends and pursue hobbies if that is something she isn't already doing. When you feel like you are spending time together and she doesn't, it is likely because there is a lack of understanding what she is trying to say. You can ask her for specific examples of what spending time together means to her which should help. For example, my husband thought that us watching movies together counted as spending time together while I didn't. This is because spending time together has to involve us interacting for me. So…. Us bowling together, doing a puzzle, going for a walk, or anything that allows us to be together and interact instead of just being in the same room focusing on the TV, is what I need to feel like we have spent time together.

Hopefully this helped a little!
The whining about helping out is a bit of a problem….
The depression could be what is contributing to the netflix watching. People who deal with that often use TV to check out and not deal with life. Meds don't work for everyone, but she could try counseling. A counselor should be able to give her tools to manage depression and help her work through some things so she isn't so bogged down. It is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who deals with things like this. You may need to ask yourself if that is something you are willing to do. No one is perfect and there are always issues, but there are some issues that we are all better equipped to handle than others. Is this something you think you can be patient with and help her through?
Sounds like your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do and I personally agree with you that she is being lazy and controlling.
If she is adult enough to move out of her house and into yours then with that comes responsibility. I understand her home life isn't the greatest but plenty of others aren't either. They don't use that as an excuse but use it as a catalyst to help push them to be better.

Her crying everyday about her job and being irresponsible not to be decent enough to give a 2 week notice is very juvenile. You aren't always going to be friends with and like everyone you work with. At the end of the day it's a job and the ends to the means and you have to stick it out until something else better comes along. Her blaming others for her work issues is just an excuse. In all honesty if it was that bad and there was any truth to what she was saying was going on then she should of/would of went to her boss and told them what was going on. But I don't think that was the case. Not only is she being lazy but not being truthful.

When it comes to her not having a drivers license and always depending on...not sure what the back story is surround her not having a license at this point in life or not having a car is. I understand financial reasons for not being able to afford a car, besides not wanting to work and unable to work consistently, but to make her choices or situation someone elses problem is not ok. If she worked hard and saved up she wouldn't be in this situation. Sounds like you are responsible and do what you need to do in order to make things work. That alone is enough on your plate let alone adding hers.

Her having a hissy fit when you try and hangout with your friends is a definite control issue. There is no reason why this should be happening. Especially given all you do for you her. You are entitled to do things without her. You both should have your separate lives and friendships outside of one another and your relationship. That's a healthy thing to do/have. I'm sure you don't act the way she does when she wants to do things with her friends.
Your friends were before one another and they will be there after the other goes. You can't let her push your friends away because when the time comes for your relationship to end you're taking the chance of being alone.

I understand that when things are good they are good. Most likely when she you to all to herself and you have done the things she expects of you. If the bad times are outweighing the good times then it's time to move on. Breaking up is never easy to do but you can't continue to be responsible for someone else you isn't willing to do if for themselves. It's not fair for you to always be the giver. Relationships are give and take. Not just give give give all the time. You are her boyfriend, not her parent. If you continue to let this happen then she will never learn on her own. You have to stumble and struggle in life at times to get where you need to be. That's how you learn and grow.

Sorry for the novel but it sounds like you know it's time to move on. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who is your equal. Someone on the same page as you, more mature, goal oriented, has a car, works and is responsible. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not brings you down. It's time to start worrying about you for a change and your happiness.
[QUOTE=havehope28;5422152]Sounds like your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do and I personally agree with you that she is being lazy and controlling.
If she is adult enough to move out of her house and into yours then with that comes responsibility. I understand her home life isn't the greatest but plenty of others aren't either. They don't use that as an excuse but use it as a catalyst to help push them to be better.

Her crying everyday about her job and being irresponsible not to be decent enough to give a 2 week notice is very juvenile. You aren't always going to be friends with and like everyone you work with. At the end of the day it's a job and the ends to the means and you have to stick it out until something else better comes along. Her blaming others for her work issues is just an excuse. In all honesty if it was that bad and there was any truth to what she was saying was going on then she should of/would of went to her boss and told them what was going on. But I don't think that was the case. Not only is she being lazy but not being truthful.

When it comes to her not having a drivers license and always depending on...not sure what the back story is surround her not having a license at this point in life or not having a car is. I understand financial reasons for not being able to afford a car, besides not wanting to work and unable to work consistently, but to make her choices or situation someone elses problem is not ok. If she worked hard and saved up she wouldn't be in this situation. Sounds like you are responsible and do what you need to do in order to make things work. That alone is enough on your plate let alone adding hers.

Her having a hissy fit when you try and hangout with your friends is a definite control issue. There is no reason why this should be happening. Especially given all you do for you her. You are entitled to do things without her. You both should have your separate lives and friendships outside of one another and your relationship. That's a healthy thing to do/have. I'm sure you don't act the way she does when she wants to do things with her friends.
Your friends were before one another and they will be there after the other goes. You can't let her push your friends away because when the time comes for your relationship to end you're taking the chance of being alone.

I understand that when things are good they are good. Most likely when she you to all to herself and you have done the things she expects of you. If the bad times are outweighing the good times then it's time to move on. Breaking up is never easy to do but you can't continue to be responsible for someone else you isn't willing to do if for themselves. It's not fair for you to always be the giver. Relationships are give and take. Not just give give give all the time. You are her boyfriend, not her parent. If you continue to let this happen then she will never learn on her own. You have to stumble and struggle in life at times to get where you need to be. That's how you learn and grow.

Sorry for the novel but it sounds like you know it's time to move on. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who is your equal. Someone on the same page as you, more mature, goal oriented, has a car, works and is responsible. You deserve someone who lifts you up, not brings you down. It's time to start worrying about you for a change and your happiness.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for all the great advice! So far she has started her new job and hasn't complained that much but she is in training and is only working for about 3-4 hours.

About her not driving what she told me is she never got a license because her mother would never teach her how to drive and she said she did have a cheap car she bought a few years ago but her mother sold it without her knowing and keeping the money. She said after that she got another cheap car but her mother would let her step-father take it out and her mother would drive it and it got wrecked.

I have also talked to her about her attitude always seems negative and one thing she said was she isn't always unhappy she just has one of "those" faces that she can't do anything about. I personally feel that is a lame excuse.

Another issue is she is very anti-social to the point that it has caused some issues/arguments. A good example is we were talking about taking two days off to go on a little trip so I asked her to ask her boss if she could take two days off but she said she wanted me to ask her boss for her. Of course I told her no and she said "Well, I guess we won't be going then". :rolleyes:

It also means she really doesn't have friends of her own. One of my best friends lives in the same apt complex and practically right next door so we can see each other often but she doesn't really have any friends, and me, her and my friends fiance even had a date night and we had some fun but after that she wouldn't ask my friends fiance to go out just them together. I even encouraged it since that would mean the times they are out together me and my friend can hang out. But as it stands she just either stays in my room watching tv or the living room watching tv and getting her to go out is quite difficult.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. But just wanted to say there's a difference between depression and laziness. Depression is an illness, like all other illnesses. It's typical for an (even mildly) depressed person to not have friends, not be willing to socialize, find a simple job challenging, or be irritable. Suggesting to make friends with someone new or picking up a new skill (driving) might mean too much for her in her current depressed mood, and she'll find all excuses in the world not to do that. If you feel she's depressed, and you want to help, counseling would be best for her. Believe me, no matter how hard she tries she can't just jump out of depression, be happy all the time, socialize and go out with new people.

I realize that you have been a happy outgoing person throughout your life. It's hard for a happy healthy person to feel how depression changes people behavior. It's of course your call to decide whether you want a happy healthy partner, or you would like to help her come out of depression.





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:47 AM.





© 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!