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OK, I already know I'm going to get a lot of critical responses from this, which I am fully aware I deserve, but I hope that someone out there may have some similar experience from which they can impart some wisdom. So, here it goes...

I am addicted to pornography, relationships, and sex (to an extent). Anyone who is familiar with Sexaholics Anonymous who understands their definition of that addiction will understand better. I come from an addict family of origin, and relatively normal teenage sexual curiosity quickly developed into an addiction to pornography. This combined with a naturally shy/introverted personality resulted in a stunted development of romantic relationships. I didn't have a real relationship until 23. Coming from an alcoholic upbringing, I naturally found an addict who would become my first wife. That didn't end well. She was unfaithful to me, at which time I started cruising Craigslist and other personals sections. I never cheated on her, but I was looking for someone to want/desire me the way I wasn't being desired at home. It also probably stemmed from a need to be wanted (not sexually) by my family of origin. Anyway, I was never physically unfaithful, but it's no excuse for what I did.

We eventually divorced, and I immediately jumped into another relationship. I am still in that relationship, and about to get engaged. Here is where my situation gets even more complicated. I was in denial that I had any problem with porn/sex addiction when I started this relationship, and it was all new and exciting. So, I never felt any loss of interest in my new SO (significant other) until the relationship was well over a year old. I started going back out to find people who wanted/desired me never intending to physically cheat. Then, 2.5 years into the relationship and well into talking about getting engaged and married, just finding someone who finds me desirable doesn't suffice. I started cheating. It wasn't about finding an emotional connection-it was just about sex.

The woman that I'm with is absolutely wonderful. She has flaws like everyone, but all in all, she is the nicest, most compassionate, most considerate person I have ever met. She is amazing, and she is my best friend. I love to make her smile, and hate to see her cry. I feel like the lowest piece of **** for doing this to her, as well I should. There's no doubt about that.

My problem is that because of my addiction, I don't know how to be in proper relationship with someone. I don't feel like I can properly give her what she needs out of a relationship, even though it seems like what I'm doing works for her. I have a great relationship with her aside from my skewed view of sex. It's not about connecting-it's just screwing, and I need newer, different, more exciting sex to sate my appetite because of that addiction.

To further complicate things, I have met another woman who is significantly older than I am, but with whom I was able to tell all of this (addiction, infidelity, etc.). She is the first person with whom I was unfaithful where there was an emotional connection. She was the first person I ever told about all of my sordid past, and she was completely non-judgmental and accepting of me. We have a really good connection, and I find myself drawn to her. I wish I could have both of them because I don't want to lose out on either relationship.

So, that's all the backstory. My question is what the hell do I do? If I stay with my soon to be fiance, do I tell all, or do I keep her in the dark and commit to changing myself and getting in recovery? Do I end it with her, and move on with my life? I really don't want to hurt her, and I really don't want to be without her. A lot of my motivation surrounding that is selfish. However, I know that the person I am aside from my addiction/infidelity is a really good guy, and I could be the perfect guy for my SO.

Like I said, I know the things I've done and the person I've been are wrong, and they're things I swore I would never do or be. If all you want to do is sh*t on me, please keep it to yourself. Believe it or not, I do have a conscience, and the shame and guilt of the things I've done eat me alive all the time. However, if you have any advice, please leave it with me. Thanks!
[QUOTE=jbach21;5421466]OK, I already know I'm going to get a lot of critical responses from this, which I am fully aware I deserve, but I hope that someone out there may have some similar experience from which they can impart some wisdom. So, here it goes...

I am addicted to pornography, relationships, and sex (to an extent). Anyone who is familiar with Sexaholics Anonymous who understands their definition of that addiction will understand better. I come from an addict family of origin, and relatively normal teenage sexual curiosity quickly developed into an addiction to pornography. This combined with a naturally shy/introverted personality resulted in a stunted development of romantic relationships. I didn't have a real relationship until 23. Coming from an alcoholic upbringing, I naturally found an addict who would become my first wife. That didn't end well. She was unfaithful to me, at which time I started cruising Craigslist and other personals sections. I never cheated on her, but I was looking for someone to want/desire me the way I wasn't being desired at home. It also probably stemmed from a need to be wanted (not sexually) by my family of origin. Anyway, I was never physically unfaithful, but it's no excuse for what I did.

We eventually divorced, and I immediately jumped into another relationship. I am still in that relationship, and about to get engaged. Here is where my situation gets even more complicated. I was in denial that I had any problem with porn/sex addiction when I started this relationship, and it was all new and exciting. So, I never felt any loss of interest in my new SO (significant other) until the relationship was well over a year old. I started going back out to find people who wanted/desired me never intending to physically cheat. Then, 2.5 years into the relationship and well into talking about getting engaged and married, just finding someone who finds me desirable doesn't suffice. I started cheating. It wasn't about finding an emotional connection-it was just about sex.

The woman that I'm with is absolutely wonderful. She has flaws like everyone, but all in all, she is the nicest, most compassionate, most considerate person I have ever met. She is amazing, and she is my best friend. I love to make her smile, and hate to see her cry. I feel like the lowest piece of **** for doing this to her, as well I should. There's no doubt about that.

My problem is that because of my addiction, I don't know how to be in proper relationship with someone. I don't feel like I can properly give her what she needs out of a relationship, even though it seems like what I'm doing works for her. I have a great relationship with her aside from my skewed view of sex. It's not about connecting-it's just screwing, and I need newer, different, more exciting sex to sate my appetite because of that addiction.

To further complicate things, I have met another woman who is significantly older than I am, but with whom I was able to tell all of this (addiction, infidelity, etc.). She is the first person with whom I was unfaithful where there was an emotional connection. She was the first person I ever told about all of my sordid past, and she was completely non-judgmental and accepting of me. We have a really good connection, and I find myself drawn to her. I wish I could have both of them because I don't want to lose out on either relationship.

So, that's all the backstory. My question is what the hell do I do? If I stay with my soon to be fiance, do I tell all, or do I keep her in the dark and commit to changing myself and getting in recovery? Do I end it with her, and move on with my life? I really don't want to hurt her, and I really don't want to be without her. A lot of my motivation surrounding that is selfish. However, I know that the person I am aside from my addiction/infidelity is a really good guy, and I could be the perfect guy for my SO.

Like I said, I know the things I've done and the person I've been are wrong, and they're things I swore I would never do or be. If all you want to do is sh*t on me, please keep it to yourself. Believe it or not, I do have a conscience, and the shame and guilt of the things I've done eat me alive all the time. However, if you have any advice, please leave it with me. Thanks![/QUOTE]


@jbach21- It kinda sounds like you already know what you need to do and even though it's not going to be easy and people are going to get hurt it's what's best for all involved.

Honestly it sounds like you have no business being any relationship with anyone, fiance or the current female you are sleeping with, until you get your sex addiction straightened out and you are in recovery. Every addict likes to think that they can do it on their own or that they will be able to stop but most of the times it just continues to spiral out of control. I think you should end it with both women, especially your fiance. She deserves to know the truth too even though it's going to hurt like hell for her to hear it. But if you truly love her then you need to let her go. She honestly deserves better and it's not fair for her to have you leading this 2nd life while she's in the dark. You need to seek help for your addiction. It's obviously reeking havoc on your life and ruining things for you. You are suffering and that's not ok either.
When it comes to this other woman that you are involved with. The one who gets you and draws you in, you need to end it with her too. Of course she's going to tell you what you want to hear, make herself seem like the perfect one. But if you were to leave your fiance, not get help and start a relationship with this one in due time you will do the same to her. It could be your dream girl, the most perfect woman in the world and you would still do it. You have a sickness and a disease and it's not ok for you to continue to do this to yourself or others when you have the option to get better.

Admitting you have a problem and knowing you are doing wrong is a big step and you should be proud of yourself for that. But you need to continue taking the right steps and righting your wrongs. Take this time to truly work on yourself. Worry about your happiness and your mental wellbeing. After you have all of that squared away you can slowly start working on outside healthy relationships but always remember the relationship with yourself. If you don't have a healthy one with yourself then you can't have a healthy one with anyone else.
What lies ahead of you isn't going to be easy. Lots of hurt feelings, tears, anger etc but down the road you will be able to look back at all and be like 'wow i was really messed up and did some messed up stuff but look where i'm at now'. To be able to say that, to be able to be proud of yourself will make it worth it in the end! So stay strong, do right by the people you love and good luck!!!





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