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Listen up. I joined this forum just because of your post. Why?! Simple. I am in the same position you find yourself in right now... exactly the same position.

My bf who I have been dating for now a year...on november 7th. It's a long story. I'm going to share it now and then by the end you will probably know what you should and shouldn't do.

I met my bf on nov 7th, he was a tourist and had to fly back to the US on the 9th. We spent the next 25 days talking every single day for hours in spite of the 10 hour time difference. He was not supposed to even come back, but the chemistry was enough for him to apply for a job, and he moved to a new country. He left behind his family, his mother, a successful business he built up... for me.

It was a whirlwind, I have never been so amazed, so in the moment, with a guy who felt so right. He checked all the boxes, religious, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, respectful to women and his mother. The big boxes that meant something to me.

But he was also troubled, he told me from the beginning about his life in the US, his 'friends', the gangs, the guns, the shootings. I had known about such things before, because I like to watch news channels and documentaries, so I knew quite a lot about it but this was the first time I had met someone who grew up living it.

He had no tattoos, he wore colors (even though he found it unbelievable people didn't really care what he wore as long as he had something on, people didn't carry guns, police didn't have to carry guns) He told me more than once that he never wanted to go back to the US, he was running away from the life he had there. He wanted to somehow start the same photography studio and bring his mom to live with us away from the violence back home.

Days became months. We were getting closer, he was spending every available moment with me. I convinced him to start physiotherapy on his knees. I cooked and cleaned for a guy, something that I hate to say, made me unbelievably happy. I wanted nothing more than to feed and then cuddle with him.

But something was troubling him. He had left a business he had built from scratch and had to start from square one. It was damn hard and I knew it was killing him. He had to face the humiliation of me forcibly giving him cash so he could pay his bills.

Then in Feb we decided to go for a trip, our first trip, during the long drive, I asked him for the 100th time why don't you go back to the US with me, we both will go to visit your mother.

It was then, on the highway, he told me about the real reason he couldn't go back. It so happened that two years before his friends were suspected of being involved a very bad gang related shooting. And even though he was in a different state at the time, and had nothing to do with the gang, and had no idea it even happened, he was also being named as an accomplice. He recently found out he had been put on a list and if he went back they would be there at the airport to arrest him.

Shock. The story didn't match the man I had been dating for two months. HE WAS NOT LIKE THAT. Anyone who met him would obviously know he had nothing to do with this murder. Obviously the police would know that. I was so naive. I brushed it off, he told me it would be ok, that eventually the case would be closed. I listened to him, but it was always there, in my thoughts. The fear that someone might take him away from me one day.

The case wasn't closed. Sometime in August, someone confessed as part of a plea bargain and named my bf as one of the accomplices. Bad turned into worse, the "rat" was killed in jail. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagine such a horrible turn of events.

The US government put out a warrant for my bf's arrest and he was contacted by the local police to present himself at the nearest prison with his passport. He told me only the night before he had to turn himself in. When I asked, he said he honestly didn't know when we would see each other again. He also told me another secret, he had bought a ring, designed it himself, made it especially for me and he wanted to propose.

I told him that I refuse to be married or engaged while he is incarcerated and if he did that to me I would be there at the jail with a shoe in one hand, there to knock him senseless.

Sass is how I deal with grief.

Letting him go was one of the hardest things I had to do. It broke my heart and then amazingly my heart kept breaking in an endless loop through the next few days, ripping in some kind of sick cycle. I stopped talking to my friends. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't talk to anyone. He didn't tell anyone in his family what had happened, where he was, only I knew. They thought he was with me and when they called I had to respect his wishes and keep his secret for him. I just told them he wasn't with me and I didn't know why his phone was switched off.

It was like he had never existed, I was left with the traces of him in my apartment. I realized, if he didn't come back I would have to leave my life, my job and go back to live with my parents, I couldn't stay in this country if he wasn't there with me.

Work was the only place I could be without turning into a heaving mess. So I went to work. But I couldn't stop thinking about him, trying to figure out what to do... where would I go, what would I do. Then as suddenly as he was gone, he was out, when he called me that they released him, it was a miracle.

Two months of freedom to be with each other, to celebrate my birthday quietly. But every time he would go out or stay over at his aunt's I would be terrified that I might not see him again. I retreated into my shell even more and stopped talking to all my friends. The trial began on the 29th of November.

As he was not deported back to the US, this means he has to be at the local police station at the time of the trial (10 hour time diff) to speak to his lawyer and be present. Also to be considered is that he put all of his savings, into paying for the lawyer. The money he saved to buy our first home, the ring sold off to close our car loan. The verdict is tomorrow. I haven't seen him since the 28th, but he will come visit me in the morning before the 2 hour drive to be present at the local court to await the sentencing. He doesn't want me to be there.

Two things could happen. He will either be innocent of the charges, get his passport back and in time we will get engaged. Or he will be taken to prison.

My question to you is, reading my story, ask yourself the following questions. How much did he tell you? When did he tell you he was going on trial? Do you know anyone- his friends or family who knows what really happened? How many times did you discuss what could happen if he is found guilty? Why do you think knowing him, would he have hidden this from you?

I have a bf who refuses to tell even his mother and brothers (which is next level BS, I pray more for his mom than him) but somehow he told me. He had to be honest with me and I know how hard it was for him to do it, but I respect that this is his most shameful secret.

He is also stubborn - he won't allow me to attend the hearing as well and I doubt he will even let me visit him in jail. Because he knows I will be there at every meeting and he doesn't want me to be exposed to that. I don't doubt we will still find a way to talk to each other. But he has asked me if I will wait for him, and I told him to just put a bun in the oven and I won't mind waiting for him... time is ticking here I don't want to wait forever to have children with the man I love. But I will still wait for him if the worst happens. Because I know he truly does love me and this relationship is worth it.

Women are lucky, we have an in built checker within ourselves. You just have to ask the questions and really trust your gut feeling. To love someone is to trust someone. You don't have to go behind his back to find out what happened. He should want to tell you it even if it is embarrassing.





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