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I'm not sure where this should be posted, or if I should even be posting. I'm new, and sought a place I could reach out for some feedback. I'll try my best to keep it ...as short as I can. ...I wonder if I'm so messed up in the head.

Brief back story: I left my marriage that was growing very toxic and increasingly abusive. I have one child with him. I currently receive some assistance by a company that works with victims of abuse.

A couple years ago I met someone online and we became close. We have visited one another and he and I discuss him moving to be near me so we could try a "real relationship". This is the first relationship post divorce. But because he lives in another state, it has forced us to take things rather slowly.

Things with this person got pretty serious. And I know that sounds weird, because we met online. But the truth is that we got serious about one another. But I found out recently that he had been intimate with other women during our.... "relationship" (HE was the one that initially stated he didn't want to talk to anyone else anymore and wanted to pursue a real relationship with me). I also found out that he shared a couple photos of me with these random women he'd been talking to. When we talked about it, he was genuinely remorseful. He felt bad for having shared personal photos of me with people. And with one of the women he was talking to, they participated in an ongoing role-play where humiliation was part of the game. I'm trying to be vague because of the particular board we are in. I don't want to be detailed/graphic. The details, don't matter.

Those are the bad things. But...he has been a very important person in my life. He has become the person I go to for...nearly anything I need to talk about. I love him. He's been an amazing source of support and I don't know how I'd have gotten through a few really hard things without him by my side. Visiting one another proved to be as wonderful as we had hoped.

Since I found out about those things that happened, I struggle to believe that he isn't still talking to other women, keeping his options open. I believe his remorse. And I know that he cares for me deeply. And I know he doesn't want to hurt me. So why can't I trust that these things aren't happening anymore? (what I found out about was about a year old.) He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, and I don't believe him as much anymore. He tells me he wants US, and in the back of my mind I'm wondering if some other opportunity presented itself, what he'd actually do.

I've been so insecure. And it's not just about him. It's just...me. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel like I deserve how I feel. I feel like, any guy would probably wander on me. But I think my mind is just on overload sometimes. Sometimes I think I deserved the "abuse" I went through. Other times, I don't think I suffered any abuse at all. I thought about it last night and it boils down to me being unsure. I'm unsure about me. About my future. About this guy I....I love.

I don't tell him everything I feel. But I tell him some. Sometimes I think I've just grown too insecure to be in a relationship. That's not healthy. But I don't want to just give up, either. The thought of ending this before we give it a real shot is heart breaking to me. I know we'd both move on and be okay and always care for one another though. We just have really nice ideas for a future and those ideas revolve around us being together. The plan is for him to move in about 4-6 months. But maybe it's not worth making him change his life if I can't even show a little faith. I feel pretty worthless, sometimes.

I could keep typing. But this is probably enough. Any thoughts?

Thank you.





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