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I am Being Used?
Nov 9, 2016
I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Started dating my gf 3.5 years ago. She moved into a new place with her 10 y/o daughter and 21 y/o brother 2 years ago. I moved in with them all last year.

Here's the problem: There was a verbal agreement when I moved in that I pay 1/3 of the bills. Her brother let's just say is a very unmotivated and lazy individual. He was laid off from his job last December and made little to no attempt to find another job and spent the first 5 months of this year not only not working but not doing anything to help around the house. He works not but still does next to nothing around the house except eat all of of the food. To pick up his slack, my gf let him off the hook and now he is only paying $300/mo (I pay about $1100) which is slightly less than 1/3 of the rent and he pays for nothing else. His not working for months and high car insurance payments due to getting numerous speeding tickets have put him in a bad spot financially. My gf has absorbed most of his debts although I have paid a lot to help out with the food bill (I now pay close to $1100 versus the $700 that was originally agreed upon).

Life in this house consists me running my gf and her kid to work and school every morning, even when I am coming off the graveyard shift, constantly cleaning up dishes, taking the garbage out every week, taking care of the two cats which aren't mine, cleaning the house in general, sometimes rushing home from work because she has company coming over. Fixing stuff around around the house, including painting several rooms and spending 3 days painting her daughters room... etc. I could go on but you get the point. I do more than my share, often times picking up the slack and mess left by others.

But in a recent argument I realized that this apparently comes with the territory. Her brother is what he is, I am just supposed to deal with in and clean up after him, pay extra since he wont, pay extra money for food to feed her other family members and friends, drive people around even when its not convenient. All the while, her brother and daughter watch, smile, wave and nod. And apparently when her brother wasn't working earlier this year and she took on more of his debts I was supposed to step up a pay more (although I wasn't directly told this).

Our relationship is struggling in other ways. She doesn't seem to pay much attention to me. She get home from work and goes right on her phone, texting and talking to other people and more or less ignoring me. Cuddling in bed at night is met with "get off me" and sex happens once every month. Because of everything that happening, it has caused me to not be the most pleasant to be around so I accept some blame as well.

Is it wrong for me to see a problem here? I know I was the one who moved in with a crowd but why should I just accept paying so much extra and working so much harder because others simply won't? This has severely affected my mood. I work 50 hours a week at my job and I just want a bit of a break when I get home. I know its normal to spend some time and money helping out but when cant everyone pitch in?

Should we try for counseling?

tl;dr: Is it wrong for me to be frustrated in my relationship that I am expected to pick up the slack around the house because others wont?
I'd never have the ability to function in an environment such as you are in, but I know my limitations.

You are in the family lifestyle and have fallen into those responsibilities by default. Now you know how it is, and if it doesnt agree or you don't like it, best to make changes in that environment with your gf or for yourself.

All depends on what you value, what you want, what you are willing to commit to, etc.

It'll take a lot of communication. You might want to try counselling for yourself initially to recognise your feelings and thoughts of what you want, etc....then if you and gf are willing, she can join.

You sound very accommodating, but there is an obvious imbalance of respect, boundries and responsibilities.

Hope things work in a way to have you feel right about the decisions you're going to have to make.

q
No win situation your in there.

I can't speak for others but I'd be long gone.
I have to say can't help someone who won't help themselves....
No household is good with 2 families you are better off with your own place.
You are being used!!!!!!
Try holding back some money to get your own place and when you do I can guarantee you something will be said and then you will know for sure you are being taken advantage of here.
Hi there,

Sorry to hear you're being walked all over like a floor mat :( You should only be paying what you agreed to - no more. Her brother is not your responsibility and it sounds as though she's only keeping you around for the financial aspect amongst other things you do for her.

People like that don't deserve your time of day. PLUS you should only be paying 1/4, not 1/3. She has a daughter therefore should be paying half, and you and the brother paying a 1/4 each.

I hope I don't seem like a *****, I can be quite blunt at times but I promise I am speaking from the heart, not hate.

All the best with everything! Let us know how you go!
Kirsty





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