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Relationship Health Message Board

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Hi guys, I've been going through some stuff lately and I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to my family and friends I was hoping to possibly get some insight on my situation.

Here's some background, my boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. We met online and everything has been amazing up until recently. He is hiv - positive, yet he has been refusing to take his meds for the past 7 years. Because of that our sex life has been suffering, he says he has no problem waiting until he gets on his medication to have sex but he's constantly initiating it. He even told me in an argument (he lied about dropping off a prescription that I forced him to get) that he wanted to "take them when he's ready". I then suggested that we take a break until he figures out when that is, but then he told me that he really did want to get on medication. We get along great with eachother and one another's families and friends, he has opened up to me a lot about his past but I feel as though the trust hasn't been there since the beginning.

When we met I was not working, but I was living off of the "generosity" of men. I was a prostitute/ escort and i did let him know about what I did for work in the very beginning of the relationship. He also told me that if I needed money, he had no problem with me getting it, Up until recently.
I always told him that if he wanted me to stop I would, and up until I started working a normal job I only had one "date", of what he was very well aware of and encouraged me to do so because I didn't even have enough money to pay for my car insurance that month and he wasn't getting work from the union.

After that I caught him a couple times on searching the personal ads and even responding to a couple. He assured me that he only browse the personal ads for something to masturbate to and the fact they they were actual people turned him on. I wanted to know if he was still doing it so I created a personal ad myself using another girl's photos. He just recently moved over 2 hours away and my intuition told me that he was going to look for something close by. I was right.

He ended up responding to the ad, stating that he was looking for a relationship and not looking for a hookup. I suggested we meet "right now" to which he responded asking for the address. I confronted him about it and told him that I know everything. He initially pretended like he had no idea what I was talking about until I showed him the screenshots. His first excuse was that we weren't having sex, then he went on to say that he only messaged "her" because he was afraid that I was going to cheat although I've never lied to him a day of my life. He also claimed that he had no intentions of cheating but he was just looking for someone to talk to. He's begged me not to leave him, and he has admitted that he messed up.

My thing is, I keep toying with the idea that maybe somehow all of this is my fault. That maybe had I given him the physical attention that he needed he would have not have strayed and that I shouldn't have believed him when he said that he was okay with waiting to have sex.. That maybe I destroyed our trust in the very beginning by telling him what I did for work and believing him when he said that he was okay with it. I really do love him but I can't help to think there's no way to recover from this predicament.

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