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Relationship Health Message Board


Relationship Health Board Index


I met my ex online over a year ago and we hit it off immediately talking for upwards of seven hours a day on lazy Sunday afternoons. Like me, he'd gotten divorced a year prior and we bonded tightly over that fact in addition to our shared sense of humor as well as ideas on politics, religion and education.

He'd had a string of short relationships before me, but assured me that he wanted something long term this time. He and his wife, I'm his words, we're still friends and based upon what appeared to be the case on social media-had a beautiful relationship. Later, I'd come to find by his own admission that he'd convinced her to sleep with multiple men and punched her repeatedly in the stomach while she lay on the ground. He would also publicly humiliate her in front of mutual friends by pointing out her "flaws" in order to get her to behave. These were things I did not know before getting involved.

What I did know, was that he'd been "wrongfully" (he said) admitted to psych for making public threat. I'd later find out that he'd cheated on his ex and lied about it for weeks. Once she tracked down the OW and attempted to breakup with him.

He assured me when we got started that those times were behind him. I'm public and private, my ex is a sensitive, poetic man who yearns to help others, anyone. He's also exceptionally gifted in countless ways and plays multiple instruments, is athletic and works in a very brainy industry doing brainy things. All of these things, along with our remarkable chemistry, drew me in along with what he said was a desire to do better in his relationship. The last one ended because the woman didn't like that he was non-monogamous and became violent with him.

There was no physical abuse during our relationship, which lasted nearly 5 consecutive months offline but his language became occasionally vile about two months in. Any boundary I attempted to erect(Refusing to excitedly argue at midnight, wanting him to not tell his recent ex he still loved her) would trigger his openly crumbling into childhood/trauma responses which I would then attempt to soothe. He'd scream that I didn't love him, or that he knew I did but he didn't feel it. He'd curse me out and call me evil for not emotionally investing in his latest breakdown. He'd threaten to break up with me when my responses to his boundary invasion were too much for him to bear. But I loved him deeply by then and I was unquestioning in his love for me. We inspired each other creatively and the majority of the time, we were blissfully in love. He wanted to marry me and claimed that I was uniquely in his heart, understanding him like not even his exW could. He broke up with me because I would not accept his carelessly flirtatious behaviour towards both men and women and what looked like an obsessive need for attention and validation. I didn't trust it and if told him it made me feel unsafe. He actually urged us to go to therapy. I did and paid (he got fired from work the week we started dating), he never came.

We've remained in touch sense and he's now been dating another woman for some time. We agreed to be friends, but he recently sent me a series of text expressing that he still loved me the same and wanted me. When I later reciprocated, he swiftly questioned if I was threatening his relationship by pursuing him. I was so put off that I haven't talked to him since although he's sent me links to songs.

I made contact with an ex girlfriend(the one right before me he claimed got violent with him) and she gave me a coherent narrative regarding their demise which featured him body slamming her into walls and she tried to escape his home. He was drunk and raging because she wouldn't engage a serious conversation after midnight.

He seems to be doing wonderfully with the new girl and although he's obviously disturbed, I'm finding him hard to let go. I get sucked into thoughts that I was just a stepping stone for him to get to her and not anything that he told me I was to him. I believed him when he said we had a future, he cried like a baby when we broke up, didn't date for awhile and became lovesick.

My feelings are so divided. His behaviors are erratic and manipulative but I've convinced myself that he's still somehow friend and partner material. His new GF claims that he's her rock. I feel disposed of and bamboozled. How do I extract myself?





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