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Relationship Health Message Board

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Dear humbleandkind,

I'm sorry you are in that mess. Hon, a healthy minded person would have respected your wishes. Regret is easy. Making healthy and honest choices requires being a healthy and honest person. First, we have to get healthy ourselves. Neediness is not healthy.

Likewise you need to have boundaries, such as saying [I]no thanks[/I] to anyone that ignores your stated wishes. That is how we learn who respects us and themselves. It is [I]never[/I] a compliment when others disrespect themselves or us. Feelings for someone that treats us like that is not love, not from her to you or you to her. Think about what was wrong in your marriage and think about how the things you described are similar to your past.

if I dated someone that turned and got involved sexually with someone I would know I need to do a fact check on the type of person I was attracted to, and do some work on myself. Fresh out of a failed marriage is not a time to be naive. The ink on the divorce paper is hardly dry and you are putting yourself out there without dealing with what you contributed to the divorce. We may think that trusting someone we hardly know is being kind or nice when it really is just being naive.

After a divorce we need to take the time off from seeking partners to learn what [I]we[/I] did to contribute to ending up divorced, and fix our own judgement in ourselves. It doesn't matter what your former partner had done wrong, we still need to fix what attracts us to inappropriate and untrustworthy people. Your decisions appear to be very naive and inappropriately trusting and not able to make a healthy choice about a potential partner (not even dating, and definitely not about intimate involvement). The idea of separating from someone is to fix our own selves. We have no power to change anyone else.

If you still go for what you usually are attracted to, then expect the same results until you fix your own self. Of course you can do whatever you want, but being here it seems that you might be seeking advice, right? I suggest that you get your hand out of the fire until you get some understanding about what is wrong with your judgement of other people's character. Having good clear judgment requires knowing someone a long time before getting intimate or making any sort of commitment. My suggestion is that you get some counseling and fix yourself so you can make better choices. So far it seems you have not been in a committed relationship. Now is your chance to grow so you can have good boundaries while you are not in a committed relationship.

Respect yourself and you will attract those who respect you too. Ignore healthy choices and that's how we will get treated.
Hi there. I have allot of things which come to mind after reading this but the first and most important are two things:

You dont get involved with someone after a need to work on yourself first and get over your marriage...there is NO WAY that you can give someone love and commitment when you are in that "head space".

Second, you dont fall in love with someone in 4 months. You are barely just getting to know someone in that time. This was a rebound relationship, which is fine to have...but it is not love.

During those 4 months while you were getting to know this girl, you learned quite a few things....a. she is not respecting your boundaries B. she is sleep with someone to get back at you is not a very nice thing to do. and C. this isnt someone you want in your life long term.

Take what you leaned and move on. Write her off like a bad was HER loss that she screwed up the relationship...but honestly, you are not ready for one. Until you can respect yourself enough to realize that this is a terrible way to be treated and you are worth more than this- you have no business being in a relationship with anyone. Certainly not someone who treats you badly. (and she did.)

Give yourself time to heal both from your marriage and this mistake...go out in groups or with the guys.....forget love for awhile and try to make friends. Remember, you dont know someone in 4 usually takes a year or so of being around someone to see their true colors. In that time you will either like what you see or see warning signs, but until you give yourself that amount of time, leave love out of it.

You both made big mistakes in this one....but this isnt fixable. If she treated you like this once, it will happen again. Count on that. But, its not entirely her need to feel good about you and be responsible for your own actions. Once you get yourself straight approach the next woman in your life carefully...if she is worth it, taking the time to learn that will be your best bet!
Good luck..

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