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Confession
May 23, 2018
I made up my mind in telling you my problem since I do have now the guts to tell you this one since my trauma started. 3 months ago, I entered into a secret relationship that cause me to be like this. Before my condition happened, I experience a terrible situation and I am willing to tell everything from the start until in the end. It was 2017 when I started to entered in a relationship to a person whom I trusted the most throughout my senior high school knowing his past relationship, I accept the person for who he was and embrace his flaws but things did not go well. When we were just friends, I witness how badly the person was broken hearted to his ex-girlfriend and I am the person who comforted him well, during those times. Along the way, it happened so fast that after months passed by, he confronted me with his feelings proving to me that he had already moved on from his ex-girlfriend letting me show, the way he burned their past photos and making move towards me. For me, in those times it was ridiculous. At first I didnít believe in him but things got twisted that he happened to know me well, from the past since weíve been friends for a year sharing each otherís experiences. I decided for the first time to give him a chance throughout the boys who courted me, he was the first person whom I have given the chance. I accepted his feelings along the way and weíve been in a relationship for 2 months. Things weíre totally okay in our first month of relationship until things got happened so quickly that he changed his mind and heart. His ex-girlfriend is came back. He decided to broke-up with me for the reason that he still love his ex. On the other hand, his ex-girlfriend chatted me apologizing for everything and telling me they wonít get back together. I remained kind and calm towards confronting every person who happened to be involved.

I know things would happened that he will leave me someday but it was unexpected that he would come back to his ex but I accepted the fact that things happened that way. Those days and moments when he broke-up with me through chat via messenger and the next day, I decided to return all things to him. I tried my best to find the best solution to calm down myself. The first thing, I did was to pray every day since the heartache, the pain is eating into drowning myself to mourn every day. It was school days after all, so I need to wake myself up and continue living. When I happened to have break time, I pray rosary in the cathedral alone asking for Godís help to heal me. Every day I was swallowed by pain in my heart causing me to have a hard time to breathe and chest pain leading me into hyperventilation. Iíve gone so weak and sick that I end up a week not eating well leading me to lose 3 pounds of my weight. Hyperventilation never stops with those moments and it occur every night and those sleeping time, I over think things that leads me to have nightmare every night and when I woke up, I terribly cried like a river. Headache follows and I feel weak that every day, I slept too much drowning me into depression. It was hell for me to suffer this way. It was too much for me to handle until this time. I thought, things would be better if I stay damn strong and stand-up for myself. For those months, things repeatedly occur and I endured things until now. It was March, when things got worse since they got back together and I witness and happened to see everything with my two eyes that I was facedly betrayed. Not just one person but it happened that his friends which is also my friends were involved. They were the one who helped him so that they would get back together and every afternoon, I saw his friend talking to the girl (ex-girlfriend) persuading her that they would get back together. I know how things are happening but I remained quite despite the bleeding pain of my heart and pretend like Iím really okay. My friends, those people who happened to know our friendship and about us weíre in the state of disbelief but I acted well, that they didnít know what is really happening in my state of mind. Then, realization hit me hard when I realized that I was used as an option to ease his feelings and needs as a man who wanted to move on but canít do so.

They got back together, announcing to everyone their relationship. Yes, I admitted it. It sunken my heart very deep and people around me looked me into pity especially those people who fooled me. I can sense guilt into my exís eyes every time we ran into each other in the hall way. He avoided my stares and presence and worse is that he escaped from every situation which happens that I exist. I endured things pre-conditioning my mind that I needed badly to survive until our graduation. I tried my very best to do the things that can help me move-on since it is only my only choice to make myself feel better. Reading all the articles and remedies for heartaches following them step by step like getting rid of photos, deleting memories and cutting-off connections related to him. I didnít get myself drunk or drink any liquor since it wonít help me. I didnít go to any party nor meeting new friends or people instead, did I isolate myself making me more introvert. I rarely talk to people and prefer to stay alone in a certain area. I decided to divert my attention into art club activities of our school making me so busy and continue my hobby in painting. During school days, I notice some of my classmates stares me badly especially his current girlfriend throwing stares at me but I pretend like not affected in the condition of the situation. Telling myself honestly, I canít lie that slowly itís killing my worth, lowering my self-esteem and confidence especially every day. I didnít take grudge on them. Those who are involved, I forgive them but it was just too hard. I came to write this one with a heavy heart. It was exhausting for me to recall things since I cannot remember some detailed things that really happened but this things make things worse for me is that, my ex managed to become disrespectful towards me during in our relationship in a way he sexually harassed me verbally and physical through physical touch of my body. One thing, I wouldnít forget is that he urge and force me watch pornographic or any lustful images his necessities as a man but I resisted bravely. This one, it was hard for me to overcome and every time and moment I ran unto him, my mind goes through panic and my hands tremble into fear. Even in the distance, my feet wanted to ran away and hide but I barely managed not to do so. One situation, I cannot forget is I end-up hyperventilating. A single touch from other people made me startled especially those who are not close to me. I canít find someone to tell about this matter since Iím sensitive from it. I cried every single night with those days when flashbacks kept on bugging my mind. Images from the past appeared repeatedly in my mind. Until now, those stressful experiences kept on disturbing me that it feels like it is happening over and over again. Sometimes, when flashbacks appears I sweat and have difficulty in breathing. It triggers my mind drowning myself into sadness. I helped myself through avoiding everything that triggers my mind to go back to the past and I resisted all situations that I can ran into memories again. I feel distant from the people around me and feels like I lost interest in socializing and just want to isolate myself. Yes, I do have difficulty in concentrating ever since then and my mind is always pre-occupied. The positivity of myself was always here but it was defeated by the emotional pain that I felt every day. I donít know what exactly what to do. I pray and go to church. When flashbacks appears I divert them into watching and listening k-pop, k-dramas and movies to disturb my mind and thought but it wonít just stop pestering my mind. I find the courage to tell and confess everything, for the first time. I wanted to help myself to move forward and recover from this mourning situation. No one ever listened to me since it happened since I didnít tell anyone completely about my situation. Iím afraid they canít ease nor comfort me and I doubt everything in my surroundings especially, I have a hard time trusting people around me.

I am blaming myself for everything. During I encountered those situation, people around me didnít comfort me well enough but instead they point out and see the situation badly as my fault. They donít understand my situation, my sufferings and judging me like they knew everything from the start. I ask the Lord and questioned him why am I suffering like this asking him if I really deserved this kind of pain. My mood got twisted and shifted so fast from calming myself, I end-up at nights getting angry and venting things out on twitter. I keep on blaming myself seeing the reality that things happened this way that I kept on thinking of not forgiving myself. Why should I be treated like that? Did I do something wrong to them?

Iím just sick of this emotions that scares me every night even in my sleep they keep on appearing that I woke up in the midst of the night staring blankly in the dark and cannot sleep well. I am fighting in this battle of myself. It is very hard but I decided to keep on researching for cure to heal myself emotionally. I decided from the very beginning to keep for myself my mental and emotional state because I know Iím emotionally unstable and physically drained. Wanted to fight back from this depressing stage but I donít know what to do and how to begin so I take assessment test coming from internet about this problem of mine. Feelings like chest pain, difficulty of breathing, sweating and trembling in fears or panic, some said a syndrome like broken hearted exists and I found out of this but I canít diagnosed myself from that. I want myself to stop this pain. Thatís all I wanted. Please hear me out. I just wanted someone to listen to my story.





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