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The issues my husband and I have been having are 10 years in the making and there is no possible way to explain everything in one post even though Iím gonna try. Weíve had issues since year one and weíve both come a long way and are better but Iíve stopped believing in us- mostly in him because time and time again we just keep repeating this cycle of.... I donít even know what to call it.

There is some verbal abuse going on on his end and he has big issues with the person Iíve become in the past 10 years and the choices Iíve made to start my own business while being a stay at home mom with our 2 boys. He resents me for so many things that I donít really understand. He resents me for working, he resents me for not spending enough time with him, he resents me for how I choose to spend my money. He thinks Iím selfish for wanting to put the money towards home improvement (Iím saving up for a sprinkler system, a yard our kids can play in, home restoration for our 100 year old home). He makes more money than me but expects me to contribute half even though I am both working full time and taking care of our kids full time (with some babysitters help that I pay for). I pay for groceries, childcare, house care, and family activities). He pays for everything else. Still thatís not enough for him, what I do is never enough.

We both own our own businesses and work full time. I also am in charge of taking care of the kids full time but he doesnít take that into consideration- itís just something that is expected of me since I have birth to them. He has employees that help with his job, I am a one woman show- a seamstress from home with an average of 100 orders a month to fulfill all while taking care of our 6 and 3 year olds. I started my business as a new mom actually because my husband wouldnít give me any money for anything that wasnít a necessity. A necessity to him is bare minimum- food, water, shelter, electricity, etc. I wasnít allowed to get new clothes until 3 years into our marriage. So I started my own business so he couldnít control what I did with my money. We stopped fighting about money but now we fight about our jobs and mostly about how much time I am spending and apparently not giving back. His love language is time. Weíve been to counseling and he agreed that if I were to give him a date night once a week, family dinners, and Sundays as family days then that would make him happy.

Heís still not happy. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. My love language is words; he is not a word person, he really struggles with finding ways to show his love and appreciation but heís really good at using his words to hurt me. Heís said so many hurtful things to me that I think will never go away. Insulting me as a mother, as this new person Iíve become. Basically he thinks Iím a bad mom and Iím selfish for doing what I do. Since the things I choose to spend my money on are not necessaties I am therefore selfish. Heís fine with not having a yard for our kids to play in, with dead grass in our yard, and a leaky roof. These are not necessaties to him so I am selfish for wanting them.

However, if I were to take all that money and put it towards a vacation then he would praise me forever since time=love to him. He spends his money on vacations all the time because they are necessaties to him and I support him in wanting to do that but the support is not reciprocated. He has yelled at me at the top of his lungs that he will never agree that the things I want in life are necessary. To me, since I am 100% soley in charge of taking care of our children during the day (oh and by the way, he works more than I do- from 6 in the morning to 8:00 in the evening); since I am in charge of our children and also run a business, to me, I think itís fair that the money I make is used for things that arenít necessaties to him. He has 1 responsibility in his life- taking care of the bills (which is a huge responsibility that I respect and appreciate) but it is very hurtful to me that he not only puts me down for working but tells me that Iím selfish for it.

I canít help but feel resentment because of his sole responsibility when I feel like all that I have on my plate is unfair. On top of working full time and mothering full time I also have to sacrifice every Sunday, every Friday night, and every night at dinner to fulfill his love language/his needs. What does he have to give me? Pay for the bills and tell me Iím beautiful once a day. I canít help but feel that our responsibilities are unfair especially since what Iím giving still isnít good enough for him. I like my time alone, I donít like being around him most of the time so the time Iím sacrificing is huge to me. What is his sacrifice for me? I know that is a selfish way of thinking but maybe he is right- maybe Iím a selfish person who wants too many things.

However, how is it selfish that the things I want are all paid for by me? I donít ask him for a cent. On top of all of this there are layers and layers of personality traits that we just canít stand about each other. We donít understand one another, we canít communicate, etc. itís a cycle that starts with a huge fight then slowly gets better, we go to counseling, we make resolutions to be better, we have great sex, but end up in the same damn place time and time again. 10 years. 10 years this has been going on. Itís not bad all the time though and thatís the hard thing. When he is home he is a good father, he is kind, and patient, and hard working. He is somewhat helpful around the house but Iíve long since stopped asking him for his help because it upsets him.

Iíve learned that in order for our marriage to semi-work I have to have no expectations for him. I do love him but it is more because of the life we have built together, the children we made together. I do not respect who is is or how he treats me. I resent him for making me feel the way he does. Sometimes I feel that the only reason why I stay is so I wonít lose my house and the kids. Please help. Weíve been to counseling/are going to counceling and things havenít changed. No one will give me their honest opinion. I know I am not perfect. I know I am probably a little selfish for wanting to run my business so I can have my own money.

I know I am probably high maintenance but I donít expect him to give me a cent for the extra things that I want. We donít live in a big house, we donít have a huge mortgage, I really donít think that I am wanting more than the average house wife. The issue to the core is that we both want different things and although I support him in the things he wants he does not support me in the things that I want and heís hurtful about it.

We donít understand each other and can not successfully communicate well enough to solve problems. We have lots and lots of good and happy times together but these issues are so hard for me to believe that they can change. I am not happy most of the time. But are these reasons enough to leave? To break our family apart? I just donít know. Please help.

oh and p.s. Iíve brought up separation and divorce so many times with him but he does not take it well. He has told me that if we separate then thatís it for him- itís divorce. There is no chance of separating to just see if things would be better. Itís all or nothing for him. He also tells me Iím selfish for wanting to separate/divorce. We actually did try separating once for one night but he called me and told me he was going to a party with this girl and just wanted to call and ask for my permission since we were basically divorced. I found out he was lying Dyer I took him back the next day. There was no girl and no party. He can be very manipulative with his words.





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