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I would really appreciate some advice regarding the person who used to be my best friend.
We are both in our 40s and met at university. We were best friends for 23 years.
We have been through so much together and have so many wonderful memories.
We have also been there for each other though some pretty terrible times too, including both our divorces, losing lost ones, depression, absolutely everything.
We have always been incredibly close.
18 months ago she met a man on line and they started dating. She became very worried about his behaviour, he would act very possessive, jealous and insecure to start with.
Next thing I knew he was getting angry, insulting her, calling her terrible things, making her cry (I have never known her to cry in all the years we have been friends)
For 6 months they were on and off and I would have her on the phone almost every night telling me what he had done to her and I was there to listen and offer her advice.
I would often drop everything and go running to comfort her after he had another episode.
He was sending these ridiculously long emails to her and to me at times… some of them would take over an hour to read….
It was WAY too much!
So, I was hearing these things day in day out and it was upsetting me but I did not get involved other than to console her and listen.
It was her 40th party last year and I came out into the garden to find her in tears (at her own party) he had kicked off with her for not holding his hand when the cake was brought out (she did not even know there was a cake as it was a surprise)
Well I am ashamed to say that I lost my temper and out the front I started shouting at him and it all came out.
I truly believed that was the end of their relationship and I was determined to stick up for her.
The following day she announced she was staying with him and he was furious with me, she also told me she was angry too as I had made it all worse by having a go at him.
She said he was humiliated and cannot face anyone again.
Within a week all had been forgotten by everyone (ie nobody cared) but he still would not let up on me.
My friend told me that she was focussing on him now as he has anxiety issues and even though she is still my friend, I will not be able to visit her when he is over (he has now moved in so I am not allowed in the house at all)
I cannot tell you how hurt I felt.
Months on, he still will not let it drop so I decided to swallow my pride (even though I should not have to have done) and send him a message apologising profusely for how I behaved (forgetting everything he had done)
It was so hard for me but I did it for my friend’s sake.
My friend messaged me and said he had received my message and was writing a reply and to be warned I would not like what he had to say.
I was totally shocked, after everything and then ME apologising he was about to send me some abuse.
I was depressed and at rock bottom.
I told my friend to tell him not to message (I was so depressed as it was) and I am ashamed to admit that I told her if he abused my I would contact her ex-husband and show him some of the messages I had received.
Please don’t beat me up for saying what I did, I would never have done in a million years, I just wanted to hurt her and stop him abusing me, it was a silly thing to say.
Especially as she has 3 children with her ex… I really do know it was a silly thing to say.
Well the following day I do receive a message from my friend’s boyfriend.
It is a really overtop apology and grovelling message, begging for my forgiveness, thanking me for everything I had ever done, really long and passionate.
I thanked him and felt relieved.
My friend then suggested me and her should meet for dinner.
I was delighted.
When we met I sensed something was not right, we chatted for a bit and she told me he was still upset with me and to give it time (it has been a year now)
She also asked to see my phone to prove I had no messages kept.
We said our goodbyes and I have not seen her since.
I have since worked out that his long message was to stop me messaging her ex and her meeting me was to ensure I had deleted any evidence.
I feel completely manipulated and broken.
She is using the threat I made (which I have said was bad of me) as an excuse to feel different towards me….
Yet, that happened right at the end, she had already been off with me for a year… so poor excuse.
I know my role in this and I am not innocent, but I feel honestly as if I have been treated so badly.
I have begged to try and win back her friendship but now I am just tired.
Please offer me some kind advice.

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