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Relationship Health Message Board


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Dearest Mishy,

Hon, evidently his daughter has unfinished business with him that you would do well to stay out of. That is between him and her and you can instead be supportive of him while they work through it. or add more pressure on him out of insecurity.

His daughter also may be worried about loyalty to her mother, which is completely normal. I strongly suggest that you stay out of his relationships with his children. They came first, and in some ways that he alone can define always will come first. He alone knows what he is responsible for, and he also knows his children better than you know them. Hon, jealousy and insecurity are never ever attractive in anyone for any reason, and if you get pushy are you really ready to risk losing him by standing against his flesh & blood?

Even adult kids do grow up and eventually get involved with their own lives on their own if we stay out of it. If you really do want a forever relationship with the man you need to accept his children as they are. There is no reason to get possessive or pushy. There is nothing attractive about doing that. Is he so weak he cannot deal with his own children and handle them on his own? if so then why would you want to be involved with him?

I strongly recommend that you accept that you are not their mother and will never be his or their first love. That is just part of the package deal when we get involved with people that have existing previous families. Instead, you can choose to show them by your actions that you are not the enemy by completely staying out of his relationship with his children. Your relationship is unique. You will never replace their mother's position, not even if they or he dislike their own mother.

His daughter probably feels threatened enough about not wanting to appear disloyal to her mother. Maybe she had hoped her parents would reconcile. If you consistently behave in a secure and non-threatening manner his children eventually will know that you are not a threat. Keep your own insecurity and anger to yourself. Even go get counseling about it. But don't dump it on the adult children or on their father.

Whatever you do, don't rub salt in the wounds from being from a broken family. It isn't an insult that the daughter acts like you are not her priority and never will be. That is just reality. It is what I would expect her to act like. Leave this completely up to their father to to deal with. Don't alienate him from you by being jealous or manipulative.

A good father will never put another woman ahead of the children he had before he met you. Really hon, seriously, if you cannot accept that they will get more involved with their own lives and move on eventually then you should move on.

I have children and so does my husband. Before we married each other we saw each other both with and without our children around, but we never put them in any awkward position. When he was with his kids they came first. And my kids came first with me. We never even needed to talk about it. We stayed out of each others' relationships with our children. They came first, before we met each other, and even as adults we still put them first when we see them. After all, we do have plenty of our own time together.

Be gracious and understanding. Give everyone some space. If you really do matter to their father [U]he[/U] will pursue [U]you[/U]. It is up to him to draw boundaries that does not jeopardize his relationship with them or you. If you want this to work out bite your tongue and don't say a word about your jealousy and insecurity.

If you want the relationship with him to continue to grow and progress, I think it is necessary for you to respect however he chooses to be with his adult children.

It's fine to set up a romantic time with the man and then ask where he sees this going. But leave his time with his previous family out of the discussion. This really is all about you and what you want for yourself. If you push him, be ready to face that your relationship may not have yet advanced as far as you thought and he might say goodbye if he is not yet ready to commit.

Hugs,





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