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Relationship Health Message Board

Relationship Health Board Index

i have found all of your posts very interesting and informative. i am deeply hurting, trying to recover from a very damaging relationship with a narcissistic man (or should i say 'boy'?) who brutally dumped me 6 months ago. our relationship lasted a year but we were best friends (or so i thought) for 6 months prior to dating. we played music together and started a band that was doing quite well. the reasons he gave for breaking up with me were (1) i like darker hair and darker skin than you have (2) i like this other girl because she is younger and has more friends and (3) you are not independent (read: like you used to be before i achieved control over your life).

this person had required me to be with him at all times for the first 4 months of the relationship, at which point he began having panic attacks (sputtering, turning red, choking) and telling me "i just can't sustain a long-term relationship" and constantly trying to take solo vacations, etc. to get "time away" from me. this was my 'best friend' telling me this. a month after we started dating i found him looking on internet personals ads for other girls to invite to have a menage au trois with us (nothing i had consented to or was interested in, mind you). he always had lots of pornographic videos and streaming on the internet as well. i should have heeded all the red flags that were constantly waving all around me before and during the relationship but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

he is a master at being charming and showing everyone how he has everything going for him - great job, looks, beautiful house, money, ivy league education, musical talent. but it is all just a veneer. it is hard to accept that someone i thought i was close to could just literally, one day, cut me off and chase after someone else.

it is interesting reading all of your posts because i had dreamt of spending my whole life with this person (i know, the way i describe it above it didn't sound like much fun eh?), and you have given me some much-needed perspective and insight into what a long-term relationship with him really would have been like. i was a nervous wreck the whole time i was with him (afraid that he was cheating or was continuing secret relationships with the many girls he was dating while we were 'best friends,' afraid that i wasn't 'perfect' enough to keep him). and here it is 6 months later and i still don't know what hit me or how i'm ever going to recover from this experience.

i feel like i underwent a total brainwashing (he was incredibly controlling and domineering) and am trying to get my mind and sanity back. i vow to have no further contact with him ever, he was like a poison to me. he tried to contact me about a month ago (a very self-serving surfacey email) but i wrote him back sending him a link to a website about borderline personality disorder, and telling him never to contact me again. any words of encouragement/advice would be most appreciated.

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