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I am new to this board and need some advice with my on again off again relationship with BPD girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for about 1 year now but we have been apart for 2 weeks .We just returned from a vacation where we had a great time. Then the rejection began again. She made excuses as to why she didn't want to get together. Everytime things start to get close between us she starts to do things to push me away, which I am used to since this has been the norm for past year. My question to the board is that this time she put a personal ad on a few dating websites, which she has never done before.In the past when we were apart I would leave her alone for 2-3 weeks and then she would call , apologize , say this breakup was not about me , but her stuff and that she does want to see me, even when she can't she does and off we would go again, lasting a month or two before it would happen again. She always told me I was the nicest guy she was ever with and nobody ever treated her better, but now she pulled back and I am a non caring person in her eyes. I don't know what to do at this point. Is the posting of the personal ad's her attempt to end this or is this just another impulsive act on her part... Please help!!!!
sorry to hear your pain, I feel for you. I know your advice is the best, however,I have tried to forget her in the past, but I fell in love with her, not her BPD. I know she has no control over it , though she was working on it with meds and therapy. I think that she is trying to get over the relationship by running away and dating others and the realizaton hurts me, but I know that once I get over her I will look back on it as a blessing instead of the torment and sadness I feel today.Thanks for your advice and i wish you a healthy recovery.
[quote]Originally posted by steve48:
[b]I am new to this board and need some advice with my on again off again relationship with BPD girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for about 1 year now but we have been apart for 2 weeks .We just returned from a vacation where we had a great time. Then the rejection began again. She made excuses as to why she didn't want to get together. Everytime things start to get close between us she starts to do things to push me away, which I am used to since this has been the norm for past year. My question to the board is that this time she put a personal ad on a few dating websites, which she has never done before.In the past when we were apart I would leave her alone for 2-3 weeks and then she would call , apologize , say this breakup was not about me , but her stuff and that she does want to see me, even when she can't she does and off we would go again, lasting a month or two before it would happen again. She always told me I was the nicest guy she was ever with and nobody ever treated her better, but now she pulled back and I am a non caring person in her eyes. I don't know what to do at this point. Is the posting of the personal ad's her attempt to end this or is this just another impulsive act on her part... Please help!!!! [/b][/quote]
steve48, I would say that you need to let her go and yes, I agree that you need to run. Some relations are based on conflict like yours seems to be. Ask your self why you have not left yet. What is in your backround that keeps you hanging around in a miserable relationship. Go now while you can still go. sometimes people will get so entrenched in these kinds of relationships that they NEVER do get out and miss out on finding a truly loving and mutually happy and respectful relationship. RUN.....even if your heart is not fully in it. We are hearing you here and advising you to run. Then, you may want to read a very informative book called YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE, by Louise Hay. Libraries have it. I wish you peace in your life, Rebeckah
Asnath: One more question: It has been over 4 months since my BPD G/F and I split(she broke it off) I met someone about a month ago and my ex has seen us out a few times. Before she saw us out she wouldn't even give me the time of day , but since she has seen me out with the new girl she has waved at me when we see each other by acident and has gone as far as telling her friend to say hello to me when she found out I would be seeing her friend.My question to you is: IS my BPD ex making a move on me and if she is should I take her at face value or is this just another ploy by a Borderline. We dated for a year and she has been in therapy for the disorder for over 10 years and she told me about her disorder in the later stages of our relationship. Most pople here sauyI should run from her what do you think?

Oh Boy! It's not a very good picture some of you describe about us BPD. :) Not all girls are Satan daughters.lol :) Steve48 you asked if BPD got manipulative behavior, yes it can be part on our behavior, I am manipulative at time but not that much but it like other people some are manipulative some are don't. For us who got BPD we want a sence of controle, security so we can manipulate at time.

One person said we only see our feelings, our pain well it not true to all of us and also to putting others down, that really untrue for me, I never try, well rarely to put other down.

Some of you had make it sound like it was a very dangerous things to date someone who got BPD, yes it bad if she/he manipulate you, put you down and always change her/his mind about loving you or not but not all person who got BPD is the same so don't put us in the same category, you will make a big mistake.

Steve about your ex-gf who was saying she love you and after she want to brake up and you were on and off again with her, well yes we are moody and don't really know what we want. I think yes she may had love you when she say it, well I don't know but me when I love someone and say it I really mean too and if your ex-gf is like me and got the guilt feeling well she won't lie about loving someone but I am not her so I don't know.

I been threw not constructive relationship like you had been and I do think it good that you not with her any more, I don't think BPD is what had drive her to have other bfs, having put an add while dating you I think is bad and she is not consistent in what she's saying. I don't think she's a bad person, she just don't know what she want. Not all person who got BPD will cheat, it's not a criteria for BPD. :)
Take care!

Ps: By the way yes it possible for us to love when we got BPD :) and yes it can be true that your ex-gf love you when she said she did but like I said I am not her, so I don't know.
Thanks Bluecat for your input. I guess we shouldn't group all BPD's behavior together. I agree my ex doesn't know what she wants but her pattern of meeting someone and falling for them in a short period of time is where she is at right now.I hope she can find true love in a monogamous relationship some day. take care and thanks again .
BPD isn't the most liked disorder. I once saw an article in a men's magazine on how to tell if someone had BPD, and, pretty much, how to run away from them. It was a joke and I found it offensive.

I have BPD and have been in a stable relationship for several years. So, to answer your question, yes, people with BPD can love. If you ex g/f said she loved you, than she probably meant it. Being with someone who has BPD takes a lot of work, love and understanding. Also, I think you asked about manipulative behavior. Very common of BPD. Sometimes, I manipulate my b/f by hurting myself and making it seem like his fault. I believe this symptom is the hardest to understand and deal with.

Even though some people with BPD can have relationships, from what I understand, it was best you and your g/f broke up. It didn't seem if she was trying to get any better. Sometimes therapy just doesn't do it. It takes inner power and lots of support to even begin to fight BPD.

Being with a borderline who isn't, or isn't trying to, make any progress is just too stressful. Try to forget about her and move on. Don't stress if she acts weird when she sees you. Just shrug it off and go on with your life.

Good luck to you. :)
[QUOTE=carrad]steve its horrible that yr hurting. but u r lucky to be free from her. sounds horrible i know. but bpd can be helped. she can help the way she behaves but it takes time and alot of work. until then she isnt reallyy capable of having a proper relatiionship with anyone. with people with pds thats their main problem. that they dont interact normally with other people and the world around them. of course u r hurting but it will get better. move on.perhaps if she gets help u may be able to hook up later.
take care. bye:)[/QUOTE]



Thanks Carrad, I have moved on for the most part. I have not had any contact with her in over 2 months and the last time I saw her it looked like she met someone else. The last thing she said to me was that she hoped we could put all the nastiness we had in the past behind us like water under the bridge. I have been seeing someone for a few months who is the complete opposite of the ex but I still think about her and never really had closure, but I guess you don't always get it. I would be surprised if we ever get back together since I will not contact her and I have heard that the BPD person never goes back because they think that there is no way the non bp would want them.
I ran into my ex last week at a place where she never liked to go to when we were dating and I was told by a friend that she was there a few days earlier as well, both times with her friend. The place was crowded but I know she saw me and I was alone at the time so I went over and said hello to her and her friend. She was cordial, though her friend gave me a big smile and hello. I asked my ex why she was there, to which she had no reply, then I said I thought you hated it here and she said we were just leaving.We caught up a little about what was going on with our kids and then she left. About a hour later my cell rang and it was her, this was the first time she has called me since we split back in May, she asked me to do her a favor and get her friend to go to the place she was going to and I said I would. A few hours later she called me again and asked me if i did tell her friend, and I said I did. She said for me to have a great rest of the night and a great turkey day. Any of you got a take on this?Am I reading something into this that isn't there. I would appreciate any comments especially from any BPD's.
I red your post beacuse it really stuck out to me. My bf also has or so what i think he has bpd and he acts almost identical to how your saying your girlfrind acts. I have been with him for 3years now and it really hasn't gotten any better he also pushes me away when we start to get close again and it just becomes a pattern. It's even worse to live with someone who has this disorder they tend to put the blame on you for anything and everything. I don't think that that was a last attemept for your girlfriend to really end things i just think that she might of went too far. You really should make a desicion about her cause i'm telling you right now better sooner then later once you have been with her longer it will be harder and from my experince they really don't change unless they get help.
Thanks for your input Septrax.
I wrote that last post back in November 2003, I believe, and I hadn't heard from her all winter long but low and behold come the end of April the emails started,,, a phone call and a few bump into each others but nothing other than a hi how are you and catching up on each other since the last time, but nothing else was mentioned. It is over a year since we split so I am finally over her but there was apart of me that would have been drawn into her again had she pursued me, so I am glad she didn't. If there is any thing I can do for you please feel free to anser this post.

Steve





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