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Hi all

I have sort of hit a brick wall when it comes to men I just cannot get close to anyone because i have too many barriars up. My friends and family think I don't have a boyfriend because I am too picky but its because I am scared of history repeating itself....here's my (sob) story!

When I was 15 I met a guy who was 8 years older than me and we were together for nearly 3 years. I moved away a month after we met and the relationship was so intense he ended up moving with me. He lived with my parents (which was quite hard) until we found a place together. After 10 months we got our own house and things were great, but soon after it started turning sour, my boyfriend couldn't get a job and I was at college and getting benefits. We began to argue and not just tit for tat we really had huge bust-ups but we were very much in love we stuck it through and hoped it would improve. He decided he couldn't take any more and on christmas eve he walked out on me - he had found someone else. He left me with a house and numourous unpaid bills and so I had to quit college and get a job I was 18.

3 months later I met a guy at work, he was gorgeous and we were constantly flirting. For the first time in ages I was getting that excitement from a bloke, he wanted to get close to me but I was still getting over my ex so we kept it casual. We were constantly on the phone to each other but it was based around sex, he would call at my house drunk and vice-versa. A few months down the line and he confessed he was getting strong feelings for me and I felt the same. We did the drunken sex thing that same night but it all went horribly wrong when his ex-girlfriend caught us and went completely crazy he was very upset. 3 hours later I found out he had commited suicide. I was absolutely distraught I obviously didn't know him as well as I thought and his death affected me deeply. He had been trying to get back with his ex girlfriend and had a lot of drug problems also, which I knew nothing about.

I had to move back to my parents and for weeks I didn't even leave the house I was very depressed and had to get medical attention. Time passed and I began to bounce back, I met a guy but he was very posessive and clingy it scared me a little but I didn't dwell on it I just told him to give me some space. I told him all about my bad experience and he was very understanding, However he was going to uni but we agreed we would stay together and see how it goes but a day before he left he dumped me.

I am angry with myself for letting myself be treated this way I don't know what to do. Not to sound big headed but when we go out I always get offers I just laugh them off and say i'm not interested, I don't mind being single, at times I love it but I also miss having someone to cuddle up to etc. I guess I just need some advice about moving on and forgetting about the past....but whenever I start seeing someone I'm just waiting for something to go wrong, I just think it's too good to be true?? How can I stop pushing men away?

Sorry this is so long
Thanks for reading

--xx--





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