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Relationship Health Message Board


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Re: Cheating
Dec 3, 2003
It will be difficult. In an "entangled" affair, there is affection that grows far beyond anything simply sexual. As "best friends, or soulmates" the closeness is incredible. Remember that you are only seeing this person under 100% ideal conditions. You both prepare and anticipate every moment you can spend together. There are NO worries of bills, or leaking plumbing, or... (you name the issues at home) Nice meals in out of the way restaurants, polite and engaging conversation... How can a spouse compete?
It took three years for the relationship I was in to end. It was like a death. The mourning of loss of companionship. The secret conversations and little notes... Even though your husband does not "know", it is likely that he can sense that something is amiss. I know my wife was alert and we almost got caught numerous times. Maybe the thrill of getting away with deception was a part of why it all happened? Looking back, I am so glad that we broke things off. My marriage is not perfect (what marriage is?), but we are committed to honor our vows. After 30 years, there is so much to be thankful for, it is all a matter of perspective. My wife is the mother of my three children. The other woman is the mother of her own three children. What example would we have set for them if we had continued as we were? I want to pray for your marriage Okiegranny. Will you please pray for mine as well?

K
Re: Cheating
Dec 7, 2003
Annie7;

I understand what you are saying. But I would never tell my husband. I have never told anyone including my best friend because telling even one person could mean my husband could have found out. Telling him now to cleanse my own soul would do nothing but hurt my husband. However, if for some reason he asked me, I would never lie to him. I would admit it to him and deal with the resulting fallout from my actions.

I will also tell you I have sat on both sides of this fence. My first husband cheated on me. Our friends all knew about it. When confronted, he lied and denied it, over and over again. The marriage was horrible regardless and I was thankful to finally have a reason to end it. However, I told him that the cheating was one thing. It happens and I could have lived with it had I really loved him and had the marriage been a happy one. But I also told him that by telling our friends and by lieing to me even when I asked him was insulting my intelligence, disrespectul to me, embarrassed me and hurt me more than the affair. So yes, I do understand what you are saying. But in a million years my husband could not find out about this. Absolutely no one knows about it except me and my ex lover. We never met in public. We were beyond cautious because we both loved our spouses and respected them enough not to do anything which could come back and haunt us. We ended it because we got emotionally involved which was starting to affect our marriages. The affair was supposed to be purely a sexual one. When it started to get too involved there was never a question of what we had to do. It had to end.

I remember a story someone once told me. This couple had been married for over 50 years. The husband died but on his deathbed he told his wife he had to tell her one very important thing in order to cleanse his soul. He told her he had once had an affair. She told everyone how selfish she thought he was to tell her this. She said it served no purpose other than to hurt her. She said she wished he had never told her because there was no purpose to do it. She said she never suspected a thing, it never affected her marriage and she regretted him telling her this.

So yes, if my husband suspected, asked, questioned, etc whether I have had an affair, I would never lie to him and deny it. But telling him now would only hurt him and would serve absolutely no purpose. I can honestly say that if the situation was reversed, I would not want to know. Has he? I have no idea. I don't think so. But if he did, it certainly has done nothing to affect our marriage and therefore I would not want to know about it. This was my mistake and not one that he should have to pay for. Our marriage has always been very strong. We enjoy each other on all levels. We cherish spending time together. He is a wonderful man and I consider myself very lucky to have him as my husband. If telling him would serve a purpose, then I would do so. But to hurt him for no reason makes no sense to me. Our marriage has not suffered because of my affair. I act no differently towards him other than this sadness which tends to sneak up on me. I try to hide it when he is around. It was nothing more than a stupid mid life crises that made to do something I would have never thought I was capable of. Funnily enough, before my ex lover and I started our affair, we both talked at great lengths about the stability and strength of our marriages so that the other person would understand that our hearts would always belong to our spouses and that our "arrangement" was strictly a avenue to fulfill what was missing in our home life. When it became more, we both jumped ship because there was no way in the world either of us wanted our relationship to affect our marriages. I know that in your case coming clean was an important part of moving forward. But I also know in my case, it would serve no purpose to hurt him by telling him something he has no idea about.


[QUOTE=annie7]All that comes to my mind is a scripture that says, "that which is done in secret will come to the light." My husband had online sex for years and it finally did 'come to the light', meaining I found out. I wanted to leave him (after being totally devestated, to say the least).

Coming from the spouse that isn't aware perspective, I thought that I knew him, I thought his heart was mine etc, etc. We are still together and acutually, with God's help, we are even stronger now than ever, but there have been a lot of 'layers' we've had to peel off and deal with.

I understand about 'being in love with two people at once, but the padora's box that opens when that happens can never be closed. I think it's sooo tragic that your husband is unkowingly living a lie and yet strangers know about the adultry. Ignorance IS NOT bliss because eventually we find out. And when that happens, it's like a death. Nothing is ever really the same, memories are different, sex is different, everything is different.

But God can heal and restore.[/QUOTE]





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