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There is no nice way to put it, [B]I'm a cheater[/B].:eek: I need to let it out because it is brewing inside me for so long. I know what you are thinking :nono: "this woman has no morals" . NO one knows about it: not bestfriends, family, strangers and [I]NOT my fiance[/I](Yes you read that right). I know it is wrong, yet I keep on doing it. The more wrong I feel about it the more I want to (I know weird). Let me begin from the start... Best get yourself a cup of tea or a beer! this may take a while and may be bit of a roller coaster :dizzy:

Background: I have never EVER cheated in a relationship before (even one that lasted 3 years) and I always thought very low of it. If anyone ever cheated on me it was definitely grounds for dumping , I know, hypocrite. I am a full time mother (single), full time 2nd year Engineering student and THOUGHT I had everything I needed. I am engaged to a man I have been dating for the last 3 years and felt very complete. I made it through 1 year of Engineering being the ONLY girl (that is quite attractive ;) ) in a program of 200+ mostly single men. I got asked out lots (even with my engagement ring on) and had NO problem turning them down like flies. This year has been different. I know alot of the guys very well and we study together all of the time, with 7 courses a term there is NO WAY you cannot be friends with these people. It all started at the beginning of the year when a classmate asked me if I had a boyfriend still and I blurted out NO (I still dont know why I did that to this day). Than over a month ago when I went out with my school buddies for the first time (which I invited my fiance to and he declined because he isn't that social) and a VERY attractive man (which I KNEW I had a weakness to ) kissed me after we both has a few too many drinks that night. OMG!! I thought that I was going to die :eek: I had so much guilt and shame that I cursed myself up and down for days. Unfortunately though, I craved more of this guy. :confused: We both agreed not to tell anyone at school because it could be weird, so this is when our secret began.

Why do I crave this guy? Why do I cheat? What is wrong with me? Well, respectively, I crave this guy because he does not want a relationship, shows little affection towards me and it is just 100% sex. I have been going to his house once or twice a week to "study" for close to 2 months. He makes me want him, which I never feel with guys. Usually men fall in love with me (I know that is a weird thing to say, but it always seems to happen) and I know that this guy would NEVER. We barely talk at school and we sit across the room from each other and it just makes me want him even more! (what the hell is wrong with me!? :nono: He is sooo different in bed than my fiance, a little more edgy with some toned down S&M, while my fiance is very predictable and gets sort of scared with my crazy ways. I NEVER have had a relationship that is just sex EVER, all of my relationships have been one long term relationship after the next.

What kind of relationship do I have with fiance? I know, does not look very good does it. To be honest he is not the man of my dreams. I think that it is more of a convience relationship than a true love relationship. I could go on and on of what I dislike and like about him, but I am going to spare you the details. I have been like a dog with a bone and cannot give him up for some reason. I do love him alot, we have lots in common and do not want to break his heart. We have some major issues though, my family dislikes him, he can be very stubborn, he does smoke pot (which I HATE) and he is very lousy with his debt. I know though that leading him on is SOOO wrong) I have not had sex with my fiance since the cheating started and he is very suspicious. I feel like I have lost that physical attraction towards him.

MY GOD... I just realized that I am going to actually tell someone. I guess this is the first step to something?!? Not only am I a cheater but I am a LIAR! I have lied to everyone I know, even the guy I am cheating with! He doesn't he know I am engaged. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF???? I dont mind if you tell me how horrible I am or that I am a slut or w,hore because I probably deserve it. I fear that I get an excitment out of the aspects of cheating because it is SOOO BADDDD and secretive. Someone please bring me back down to the planet earth. I would be so embarrassed if my friends and family knew of my infidelity, what do I do next??

BTW- I have NOOO money/time for a professional help, so any insight/comments would be much appreciated.

and MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE (I know.. nothing but coal in this girls stocking this year)

[SIZE=2]Paris[/SIZE]





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