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accu, what you're saying does make sense. Althougth I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend it was me who actually said we can no longer be a couple. But that was because I saw that she basically seemed to be ignoring me and didn't want me anymore. It was a horrible feeling - I knew there was nothing to cling on to all of a sudden. If it seems like you ended things then he probably sees it like that just as I did in my relationship. And like me, he probably doesn't want to see you leave his life entirely 'cos that will ruin any chance of reconcilliation. And if you two were in love then I guess he must crave that. But if you don't want to be in his life anymore you've probably got to tell him. I know it would finish me off if my ex said that to me but I would do it for her because I will always respect what she wants. Having said that, I'd probably end up manufacturing a way back into her life. I think I'll always be the abnormal guy that she regrets ever meeting (on the French trip in Year 8 when I fancied her best friend ;) )

I just feel abnormal that I'm still in so much pain over her even though it's been nearly 11 months :( It doesn't help that she always gives me small glimmers of hope that she still likes me a lot (like saying I'm still her best friend and that she still can't imagine not marrying me and that she could never go to Pizza Hut with another guy - that was our favourite place to go together :) ). And it certainly doesn't help that we live across the road from each other when we're not at uni. Hell, it doesn't even help that I go to uni in Cardiff and she's only at Bristol. I drove past her place when some mates and I went shopping there. I told her this (not specially - she'd phoned me) and she said she found it strange that I didn't drop in. But I can't do it. When we last went out together (as friends) we saw American Pie The Wedding and I was just sitting there ignoring the movie and gawping at her. I love watching her laugh and I love her hair and it cuts me up that she doesn't lean on my in the cinema like she used to.

She tells me that I should be over her now as if she understands it all. But that's not right - she was the one who always got paranoid that I would go off her one day and then she did it to me at the point when I realised that there was no way I could be without her. I honestly wouldn't have survived this year if it weren't for the odd phone call from her. Right now I miss her so much and I'm so worried that she's coming home next week. Over the phone she's been saying I should come round and see her family's new home cinema (we like films) and how cool it'll be to hang out. But I know that either she'll change her mind or I'll just end up sobbing my heart out.

I got a car at the end of the summer and she saw me drive into the close and shouted out of her window to ask if I would take her for a drive. I just ran inside 'cos I knew I couldn't deal with it. The cinema thing had been just a couple of days before and I knew I couldn't handle just being friends - not when I wasn't her best friend who she shared everything with. That's the worst part - not knowing what's she's up to anymore. I loved talking to her on the phone. Even though we were only 12 metres apart in our beds we'd always chat for hours on the phone when we were first going out.

Now my life just feels empty and my heart always seems to hurt. Literally. It's always heavy and I can't get her out of my mind. If I'm asleep it's even worse 'cos I wake up having dreamt about her and I remember the dream all day. And I always dream that she comes back to me. I've tried to forget the way she looks (I thought it would help) but I never will and when I close my eyes she's there. I must sound like a nutter. I don't stalk her or anything; I don't even phone her anymore. I just can't move on.

When we first got to know each other I always told her that I didn't want to get into anything serious with anyone unless I knew they were the one. It took us six months before we did anything seriously sexual and I was so glad that we waited 'cos I knew we were properly in love. And we were; she doesn't deny that she loved me. But I can't understand what I did for her to stop loving me. And a part of me will never forgive her for making me feel so used before we split up. She talks flippantly about sex now and it hurts me 'cos I thought she understood how I felt about it.

I don't ever want to even hold another girl's hand now because she was the one and I never want to lose the memory of loving her. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying or do I sound mad and obsessive? I've seriously considered having some form of counselling. There have been times when I've just cried myself to sleep. And sometimes I have to punch myself (literally) to stop from crying. That kind of worked because I gave myself internal bleeding and she found out and was worried and talked to me a lot around that time. Until now nobody knows the bleeding was caused by me laying into myself. I really must sound like a crazy man now.

The thing is, I'm only 20, and there's all this pressure for me to be like a "typical bloke" and just think of this as an opportunity to go and get another notch on my bedpost. But I don't want that. All I ever wanted was a fairytale romance; to totally adore someone and to be totally adored by them. I had it for 2 and a half years and now life feels pointless without love in it. I just feel like I'm existing, not living. And my ex is the only person who can breathe life back into me. She does it when she phones me and that is enough for now, but I can't live my life waiting for her to ring me.

I'm sorry, I appear to have written an essay on my life.

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