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Relationship Health Message Board


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Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. I have a couple ideas, don't know if they'll help. First of all, I would file so that she can't change the original arrangement... especially since she's the one looking outside the marriage. As for the kids, tell them the basics, that right now mom and dad need time apart to sort things out, doesn't mean we don't love you guys, but we're just better apart right now. I would advise definately against saying anything negative about the other spouse in front of the children. This will only bite the back talker in the butt. The kids will want to know what's going to happen to them, be honest and also tell them that if they have any questions ask, you won't be upset.
If you can keep an open dialogue between you and your kids, you will be way ahead of most divorced parents. The kids are the most important. I don't know what kind of person your wife is as far as the kids go. I hope she can also refrain from bad mouthing...it makes the kids feel insecure, after all, if one of their parents is bad, doesn't that make them bad, since they're part of both?? They are already hurting and don't need to hear adult issues or be played against one parent or the other. If the mom can't be positive and the kids say "mom said....." even if it's desturbing, answer kindly and honestly and put the fall out back on her...like, I'm not sure why mom's speaking that way, I'm sorry you have to hear it...maybe ask her.
I'm not saying tout what a wonderful person she is, but if you keep yourself on the high road the kids will one day see and appreciate and respect you for you having more dignity.
As far as her playing you, I have my doubts. It could be that she's got issues she wants to bring up but is afraid of life on her own, her new relationship may not work, or plain and simple she still loves you but can't stay married right now. My husband and I were here at one time, but due to medical problems. I wanted to leave at some points in time hoping he would realize that there is something to love about me and that he would miss me and realize that I did more than I got credit for. Some people just need a break to realize what they really had.
Has she discussed any issues with you that she feels are a determining factor in her leaving?? Sometimes it's something in that person....low self-esteem, unresolved issues, etc. that they feel they can't admit and they find an excuse that they think will get them out of the situation with out having to admit their failures or fears.
I would suggest you and your wife go to a councelor to talk about the reality of this decision and how to tell the kids and how much. Also to understand the impact of this on them and what behaviors you may begin to see.
I hope this works out for the best, whether it be together or on separate paths...no one should have to hurt like that.. I'm just lucky that something changed in my marriage before it was too late. I hope it stays that way, I've been married 10 years and hope for many more. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Please take care of yourself during this time and let everyone know how you're doing.





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