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Thanks to Sophie for advising patience at my first post (early Dec). I talked it over with a good girlfriend who had been on the other side who gave me a brilliant lay out of how her husband handled her situation: He made his feelings clear in a long conversation once, then said only, "You know how I feel about that," if it ever came up again. That's all he said for nearly a year (he must be a saint!) while she worked through her unresolved issues with her ex, who was also married. She has since stopped all contact with this long-term ex because she understood that it hurt her husband.

I wanted to make my position clear and had the opportunity to do so recently. Boyfriend had not contacted her (no e-mails, phone calls; uncertain about Christmas card) for about a month but took her phone call one evening while with me. It was obvious from his end of the conversation that they had not talked since I brought up my dilemma. Later, when asked if it was okay that he talked to her occasionally, I made it clear that my problem was with her. She had e-mailed him several times, making passive-aggressive remarks ("Don't think that I won't notice when you are ignoring me," etc.), called and left voicemail...always in a happy, friendly voice, of course. Since he was unable (unwilling?) to comprehend my problem with this, I offered to speak with her about my discomfort the next time she called, as to make it my responsibility rather than his. An impasse was reached, the outcome of which is that I haven't brought it up again and I don't think he's talked to her since. Of note, she's never asked about our plans, has never greeted me by name when I answer the phone, and has constantly tried to get him to acknowledge her importance and what attention she lavishes on him and his child. To his defense, he's been consistent in trying to incorporate the concept of "us" to her. But the fact remains I was made really uncomfortable by the fact that he insisted, "She's a really nice person..." It seemed like he was more interested in defending her, rather than simply validate my feelings.

Here is how I feel: Given a limited time in one's day, it is difficult to be overly or aggressively enthusiatic about every person in one's circle of friends. I find people who are this way tend to lack a center/focus/perspective. No matter how "nice" they are, they seem to have some big attachment issues that need to be addressed, and I'd rather they not be the burden of my future spouse. However, if this person's enthusiastic attachment behavior is directed only toward my significant other, it is inappropriate and disrespectful of our relationship.

My apologies for whining about a relatively small annoyance in an otherwise wonderful relationship. I think I just need patience and support during this time, while this thing sorts itself out. I appreciate any words of encouragement or wisdom you can offer.

Thanks for being out there,

Marj





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