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I can understand that you're mad and frustrated and hurt but you have to be the daughter and not the spouse. It should be your Mother's responsibility to either set him straight on what the rules of her house are and will be. She's the one that has led him to believe that his behavior is acceptable or she would have already left or insisted that he move out. You cannot make this man be who he is not. If he chooses another life that does not include you and your family then maybe you should write him off for the time being just to stop your pain and anger. He probably doesn't think of himself as being old enough to be the grandpa yet and that's why he's focusing on a younger version of what used to be his family, to recapture his youth. I've had 2 other marriages that this happened to in our circle of friends and it's painful on all involved. The men just were not able to cope with getting older and chose younger partners with families. One of the guys actually had a face lift and eye surgery so that he wouldn't look old enough to be the new woman's dad even though he was. You can't make your dad do things that he doesn't want to do but you probably should meet with him along with your mom and brother and let him know just exactly how he's made you feel and that you don't intend to tolerate it any longer. That's all you can do. You have to speak your peace or you will be in turmoil until you do. He needs to hear how all of you feel and then if he chooses to turn his back, it's his loss, not yours. You've already suffered the loss so bring it to closure. Ignoring the situation as it stands won't lead to anything but further grief for all involved. Give your mom the support that she needs and let her know that you'll be backing her decisions. Have not gone through your situation exactly but have seen it happen to dear friends. One couple split but resolved their reasons for parting and remain good parents to their kids, neither trying to undermine the other. The other couple is still at war after 4 years and there doesn't look to be any closure there until one or the other is dead. In the second instance, the husband not only lost a good wife but lost his entire family of 5 kids and 13 grandkids. He gained a younger woman and 2 small children and he appears to be happy. You can't know what's motivating your dad until you bring it out into the open and ask him. Good luck and lots of hugs to you and yours. Your daughter deserves a grandpa who is tickled to death to have her and if your dad is not the guy then you don't want to hurt your daughter with him.
Thank you so much both of you for responding. I really appreciate it. I know what I wrote sounded pretty harsh and that I wanted him to change but I didn't know how else to say it. My mom knows that I am there for her always, and I have told her that she has lots of friends and family for support and always will. I know my dad is going to do what he wants and so is my mom. I do want to talk to him and I would never ever do it in front of my daughter. He hears what he wants to hear and when he says something that he has heard or someone has said, it is not at all what was said. Does that make sense? I know he has already told his neighbors that his kids don't make him proud. And that hurts so much I can't even express it. I have never mentioned any of my knowledge of what I know to him. I just have a really hard time seeing my mom go through so much pain. And I know she is allowing it to happen. I really do try my best to stay out of it, but I get caught in the middle when my mom comes crying to me. How could I turn her away? I could never do that. I have asked her not to involve me in this... I can't do it.. I have alot of other things on my plate. But when she phones me and says she is leaving work to come over because she can't concentrate... I am not going to say no. I am just getting really worn down.
It's awful what he's doing. I hate to say this but he does what he wants when he wants with no regard for anyones feelings but his own. This is not fair to anyone in your family. If your mom lets this go on and he has no interest in getting it back, she has to do something because this could destroy her. I dont think there is need to tiptoe around the issue with him. He needs to get with it or get out and let her have a life...
I think your Dad is with this woman and her disabled child because he is feeling needed and getting attention that he is not getting at home. It seems that some men later on in life need a great deal of attention, praise and recognition from their spouse and children. It is almost like a child wanting its mommy to notice them.

The disabled child must really look forward to your Dad's company and that makes your Dad feel needed and wanted.

I can understand your mom not being quick to divorce him. She has invested a lot of time and memories with your father. Why should she bail out just so this girlfriend can get all of what your mom and dad have worked so hard for? Then there is the loss of your Dad's health insurance, if your mom does not work. His future pension, etc.

If your Dad can have his cake and eat it too, why can't your mom? She can still live in their home, spend his money and have the freedom to come and go as she pleases. Let the girlfriend be his cook, dishwasher, psychiatrist, and h*r. Soon she will realize that she is doing all of the work and receiving none of the benefits. She will demand he leave his wife and he will have to face the facts of losing most of everything he has worked for. I doubt that he will feel that this girlfriend is worth all that.

Is he worth your mom waiting to see if he will end the affair? Probably not, but for some people change is a frightening thing.

If she starts to make a plan of what she will do if he asks for a divorce now, while living in their home and off of his money, the better off she will be. You could help her write down a plan in case it turns into reality so she won't be shell shocked. You have to think of all of the outcomes so she will not be at such a disadvantage. I find that if you plan ahead for a disaster, the disaster never comes; it is when you do not plan that it happens.

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