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Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this board, and I would like to ask for your opinion on something that is bothering me. I will try to make it as short as possible, but if you need more details in order to give me your opinion, please feel free to ask.
I got engaged about 4 months ago to my boyfriend of 3 years. He is a very nice guy, we have a good relationship. We have the same values and want the same things for our future. We love each other, and we both treat each other well and with respect.
Prior to meeting my fiancee, I met a guy that I was in love with (although at the time it was not clear to me). I first saw him at a sky resort. I was with a group of friends from my university, and noticed him. He was standing next to me for a while and he also was with a group of people. I basically just kept starring at his face, while being very careful so that he would not notice. What caught my attention was primarily his eyes. I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but there are some people that have such expressive eyes. I also was amazed by his smile, the expression of his face and the way he talked. My friends noticed my "interest", and told me in a playfull way that he was so not atractive. I am not one to go for the looks, and to be honest I did not even see his body. He was talking to his friends, and I heard that they were also a group of students from a university located in the same town as mine. I also heard his name.
My friends encouraged me to go say hi and introduce myself, but I am a shy person. So, I did not act on it. I do not believe at love at first sight, but what I experienced that day is what people often describe as "the butterfly feeling".
It was so weird.
So back in town, I kept thinking about him. I had this constant image of his eyes, facial expression, and smile on my head. I also did not want to do anything about it because I was going thru a lot at the time, and that would not be a good time to start a relationship. I was having problems with abdominal pain, and it kept geting worse and worse. The MDs I was seeing did not know what was the cause of the pain, and for a while I was taking narcotic painkillers, mainly codeine and percocet all the time (while being supervised by the doctors). Also my mother was going thru a nasty divorce, and I had to provide her with emotional support. On top of this my teenage sister was "acting up a lot"(typical teenager behavior), and I had to constantly talk to her since my mother did not have so much time. I talked to both of them over the phone, and on chat rooms since they were in europe.I am from europe, and had a scholarship from my country to study here in the US. This meant that I had to keep my GPA high at all times so that I would not loose my financial aid. I was here on my own and had to work to support myself. So, I was sleepy all the time because of the codeine and could not get much sleep because of my demanding work load. And honestly my behavior would change when taking that stuff. I was and still am a mature, caring, and honest person. I had and still have my flaws as we all do, but I was and still am a good person. But when I took the codeine I basically turned in a "whitch". I was even mean to my mother at times.
Well, one day I decided to search his university's web page, and found out who he was(he had his own web page). I decided to call him one day, and lied(which is something that I am totally against of) by saying that I had found a letter from his school that was addressed to him on the sidewalk next to my apt. building (stupid, I know). He asked me who I was, and from there I also found out that he was also from europe, and had a scholarship to study here. He said that he would call me, and come pick up the "letter". One day I made the huge mistake of calling his apt at 3am :nono: , again lying that I was going out of town, and if he wanted to get his letter before I left. He did not get upset and said it was late and that he would call me the next day. He did, and said he would call me again to set up a time to come get the "letter". He did call, and I met him at the lobby of my building. He was with a friend, and I told him that I could not find the "letter". Obvioully he knew that I was lying, but did not say anything. For a while we just starred at each other, and it was amazing. It was obvious that he found me attractive(most guys do). He starred at me for a while, and started blushing. His face was sooo red, and then he said he had to go because his friends were waiting for him.
The next day he called me and asked me out for coffee. We met, he was very polite, and patient with me. He asked me what was going on, and that whatever it was I could tell him. I did not have the courage to tell him the truth, so I said that nothing was going on. He told me that he would like to get to know me better. I said ok. We talked for a while, and then he left.
I called him a few times with the excuse of saying hi(those were actually failed attempts to tell him the truth), and we had nice phone conversations. One day, I decided that it was enough, and that I needed to be straightforward w/ him. So I called his lab a couple of times trying to do so, and didn't. He started getting upset and said that I could create problems between him and his boss. He told me to send him an e-mail. I called again, and he said to please stop calling. He also said that he liked me at first, but I was being so weird and that he did not like me anymore. He said again that I could send him an e-mail, but if I called again he would call the police.
That was our last interaction. I did not send him an e-mail. Never contacted him again. I was very hurt knowing that things between us would not work out considering my behavior. I am not trying to amke up excuses for my behavior because I was a mature adult and as such I was responsible for my behavior. Soon after I had surgery, and they found the cause of the pain, treated it, and I was healthy after that. No more narcotics thank God.
I still had feelings for him, but decided to get over them. Truth is, I never did. I have been living in denial. Three months after my last talk with the guy, I met my fiancee. I love my fiancee, but in a different way. It is hard to explain. My big problem is that I still think of the other guy every day, and that is not fair for my fiancee. Now that I am engaged I feel that I no longer have the oportunity to ever contact him. He is in Europe, and I am moving there soon. I have all of his contacts, but I can't decide whether or not to contact him. I feel that since I have these feelings, I should talk to him and explain why I behaved like that at the time. Chances are he will not believe me or could care less. But that way the issue will be resolved. I have been thinking of writing him a letter. Do you think I should do that? Do you think that I should tell him about the things that I was going thru at the time? I just want to get past this before jumping into marriage. Marriage is a very serious and sacred thing to me, and I want to make sure that I am making the right decision. Please let me know what do you think. Thanks a lot in advance. Sorry this is sooooo long.

PS: I was 23yo and he was 27yo at the time.





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