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Relationship Health Message Board

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Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me the last half of my last relationship, too. I think what it boiled down to is that I knew my boyfriend really didn't love me and I was constantly testing him, constantly thinking "if he really loved me he wouldn't have done this that or the other, etc." as it turned out, I was right, but I guess I'll never know which came first. Did I go crazy because I was in love with someone who didn't love me back, or did I go crazy thinking he didn't love me and thus drove him away? I don't know. But I too was also dealing with a lot of taxing stuff. I was losing my best friend who had been like a sister to me my whole life, I was working my butt off studying and training for a career I really didn't want, I had family problems, etc etc. It could be your gf is going through similar stuff. I would suggest talking to her about it, and DO NOT wait until you're in the middle of a fight. Find a time when you're both mellow, getting along, things are good, and then start a dialogue about why the two of you fight so much. Begin by say you love her very much (but ONLY if you really truly do. DO NOT tell her you love her if you really don't) and you want to see if you can fix the tension. Ask her why she feels so insecure in the relationship, why she's so convinced you don't really care for her. And be willing to listen to her. Remember, it may sound like psychobabble, but there are no incorrect or wrong feelings. She feels unloved. It doesn't matter that you think she's wrong to feel that way, that's how she feels. You need to find out why, and not the little nitpicky things, but what's at the bottom of why she feels unloved and uncared for. And be willing to listen to what she says and be aware that there may be things that you need to change in your behavior or treatment of her if you want to keep this relationship going. And she needs to accept that there may be things she needs to change as well.

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