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I have been dealing with my husband and his children for about 8 years now. It seems like most of the time I am put on the back burner totally. I know this seems trivial but for example this weekend his daugher is coming over who is 16 with her boyfriend and she mentioned a particular movie she wanted to watch and my husband said fine. Noone even asked me if I would want to watch that movie. I don't by the way I have seen it 10 times already. Anyways then last night he talked me into going out with him and his friends from work so I did. For about the last month it's all about his kids and him and they don't seem to care what I might want to do or even ask. I have complained about this over and over and it just doesn't seem to change. How do I get people to listen to me and take control so I am considered also when there are things going on. It's not like I sit back and say nothing either. I always speak up and am very vocal about it when something like this happens. Help!!
Thankyou, yes she is not a child any longer. I cannot sit and cuddle with a 16 year old and she had her 17 year old boyfriend there also. To the other poster we normally don't have the children full time but have been having them over every weekend recently for a month and a half. Also I do make plans. I say lets go see this movie on Saturday and it will be all set or lets go out to dinner this Saturday I will have the place all picked out and then when all of the sudden his kids are coming over then noone even considers that I had already made plans. I ended up getting a pay per view movie and sat in my room by myself watching tv. Part of why I did not want to watch the movie is I don't really think they should have been watching it because of the content of the movie. It even makes me have a hard time sleeping at night when I watch that movie. Noone is going to force me to watch a movie like that. She is 16 and has always been into the most scarry movies they make. I have tried to not let these kinds of movies be allowed in my house if they are really bad but then I just turn out to be the bad guy all the time. Kids seem to resent the step parent more then if there real parents try to take control. I know you all will say that my husband there father should take control and I have talked to him until I am blue in the face about this but after this many years I don't think it's going to change. He refuses to discipline them at all. That is another part of my frustration. The whole thing is more complicated then I have time to explain. Thankyou for your replies. If anyone has some experience who is actually in my position and made it work or has ideas I would love it if you suggested something. I think someone mentioned counseling and that does seem like a good idea. I think it's hard for anyone who is in a split family to try to cope. I have just been having a very stressful month at work and really wanted some time with my husband the last month and it just doesn't seem to be happening so it has driven me a little crazy. I don't think thats too much to ask. After all his ex wife seems to want time with her husband and it seems like that is why she is sending them over here all the time recently.
[QUOTE=Kari7171]I have been dealing with my husband and his children for about 8 years now. It seems like most of the time I am put on the back burner totally. I know this seems trivial but for example this weekend his daughter is coming over who is 16 with her boyfriend and she mentioned a particular movie she wanted to watch and my husband said fine. Noone even asked me if I would want to watch that movie. I don't by the way I have seen it 10 times already. Anyway then last night he talked me into going out with him and his friends from work so I did. For about the last month it's all about his kids and him and they don't seem to care what I might want to do or even ask. I have complained about this over and over and it just doesn't seem to change.
How do I get people to listen to me and take control so I am considered also when there are things going on. It's not like I sit back and say nothing either. I always speak up and am very vocal about it when something like this happens. Help!![/QUOTE]

Hi Kari,
If I understand your post, you're asking, How to take control. How to take control of what exactly? You want consideration when "things" are going on. If you want to be considered you have to stand up and be counted. If he talks you into something you don't want to do and do it for him that's one thing...the next time your asked to do something you don't want to, next time reply, "No thank you, but thanks for asking, with a big kiss :D ". By the way, did you enjoy yourself when you went out or was it a slow torturous evening? Don't get discouraged. He's responsible for her. This is a crucial time in her life. She's 16! He should be involved in her life as much as humanly possible. He fathered a child and that's it. I don't think you want him to put you first and over his daughter. If he did I would not think him much of a dad or man. He's doing what he should. Bottom line, he's getting it done and nobody is bleeding. Kudos. There are plenty dead beets out there and you seem to have a keeper. This time won't occur again. Your young once, get married once (hopefully), have prom etc, she needs a lot and he needs to give as much as he can with nothing and nobody in the way. You could have real issues if he decided to spend time elsewhere rather then home with you and the daughter. I could think of worse. Don't give him a hard time about spending time with her. There is no competition and if there were, you should concede on that point. It's a selfless thing to do and you may not get a thank you but you and people around you will notice the change in your demeanor and appreciate the support you give...

Who do you want to listen to you? Your husband? His kids? What exactly do you want to say to him? You [I]already[/I] have control over what you do and who you do it with by accepting or declining an invitation. You don't have to wait for an invitation to do whatever it is you would like to do. It's okay to have different interests and to pursue them. Three options, Lead, follow or remain neutral. Nikes slogan: Just do it! :bouncing: If it means that much to you, assert yourself and be counted :). It's not easy to do if your not used to it. When you say complain, I don't know what you mean. A complaint to one person could be something to someone else.

Scenario, If my hubby tells me, I'm going over my parents to do xyz on the night we had a prior engagement, I would expect a heads up out of "consideration" so I can change things around. I also must say it is not in his personality to do this type of thing and be this way because he is very considerate and the most considerate person I have ever known. If your spouse is disrespectful by a lack of consideration and that's in his personality I could only suggest some type of counseling. You have 8 yrs. with this man and have watched his children grow and as you have said have been "dealing with" them for that long. Does "dealing" mean tolerated? 8 yrs. is a long time to "deal" with a situation. Are you fed up with it? Have you come out and told him how it makes you feel? You said you complained and I don't know what that means...

If my husband has his brother over and had planned to catch a ballgame on TV, would I expect him to [I]ask[/I]me for permission or if that was okay with me? No way and no. Why? Firstly, because he is a grown man with a life before we were a couple. Secondly, because I know he puts us first and I want him to nurture his relationship with his family. Thirdly, because we know what we mean to each other and are on the same page and have similar interests and so on. Those are just a few reasons.

He has his daughter and it is their time but you are together, you can make issue of it or you can accept it as the way it is. If you feel your being walked over put weight behind your words. Complaining about something is passive.

Back to the video/visitation issue, I don't know how often he has his daughter over for visitation but would figure he'd agree to what she wanted to do or see because that is their time together. I don't think he cared one way or the other about what movie was going to be watched and don't think it occurred for him to take vote on it. It's just a flick his daughter wanted to see-that's all, besides, you have the other days to select the movie you are going to watch. The message being sent is, I want to spend time with my family and it doesn't matter what we do as long as we do it together.

It takes a lot to keep a 16 year old interested, think it was a natural reaction and gut decision. I don't think he was thinking, "I'm going to put my kids ahead of Kari and make her feel second fiddle"...If you saw the move 10 times before, what's the harm in seeing it again? You could tell him, he owes you one! lol

This issue comes up in families with children from a previous marriage and the ex, the ball of wax. It's part of it. The spouse feels second to his prior commitments and the truth of the matter is, I'm sorry to say, he or she is second. It's the nature of that beast made worse if you don't like his teenagers. I hope something in here works for you. It will work out! :angel: Take Care, Gemi

ps; If I misunderstood or am off at all, please disregard!





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