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[QUOTE=alwaystan]Okay, this is the first thread I have started and I'm gonna try and keep it short. I started "seeing" a girl about a year ago. Problem is, she had a bf of 5 years she was trying to end. Well, everyone knew that we had became good friends but we kept it secret that we were seeing each other. She broke up with her boyfriend about 2 weeks later and had a hard time with it. I tried to give her the space needed. This was a new situation for me, I had no idea what the "right" thing to do was seeing that we basically started out "wrong". I would even ask if she needed more space to get through it on her own. She always said no she needed me there for her. We talked every day and I did just what she asked. I was always there for her without pushing at all. A few weeks later she was doing much better and we decided to let the secret out. Everything was great for several weeks.

Then she tried to be "friends" with her ex and it was all downhill from there. Very up and down from then. Problem was, she was playing games and I knew it so I would call her on it. I told her so many times to just be honest and we could take it slow and see what happened but she always said she wanted to be with me and wanted me to help her through this.

Well, it didn't work out between us (obviously)and she lied to me more times than I can count and that's just the ones I know about. I know I was VERY STUPID for dealing with it for so long but we got along incredibly when things were good. We definitely had a very powerful connection. I have been in similar situations with ex's and understood that she was having a hard time. But why didn't she just tell me the truth and let things happen? If she would have things may have worked out between us. But even if they didn't at least I could have respected her and stayed friends.

I have always been a very confident person and this really kicked me upside the head. I just don't understand why people have to lie about things like this. What the hell goes through their head?[/QUOTE]


Hi,
It sounds like you have been through a lot and are angry. Why does anyone lie [I]at all[/I]? :eek: No good can ever come from it. Some people are master illusionists. The good news is, there are honest people out there but to get with them you need to be able to give it to them, have it inate.
Perhaps you will understand when you consider what went through your mind when you decided to “see” her when you were sneaking around together behind her boyfriend’s back while others knew? A year is a long time to do that. Why does anybody lie? What do you personally consider a lie? The comfort you can give yourself is knowing it takes time to build a relationship with a foundation of trust and honesty. All is not fair in love and war. Relationships develop foundations (or not) as a house is built on one (or not). If the foundation has cracks, it lacks structural integrity and weakens the structure. It takes much time to know someone. You need to go by actions and see a person for how they are and by their behavior and actions. How much lying did she do with her boyfriend? Lots and that should have been a tip off. How could she “see” him then “see” you? How was she able to live with herself and how did you not recognize it? I hate to say this but she had her cake and ate it too…

May have had lofty ideas of where you wanted this to go but did not stop to think about what this concealment meant deep down. Learn to know better in what you want and what you are willing to lose to achieve it because it will keep costing you. See people for who and what they are. Wanting something more then doing what feels right will always cost you. I don’t think she cares whether you respect her or not, that’s hardly the issue. I would not be badmouthing her or walking too tall if I were you. People who put themselves in the middle can look like home wreckers.

Big, small, boldface, white lies, no matter what type, it is a lie, an untruth...I’d think ulterior motives are at work that can be well intentioned or ill willed but bottom line, either way it's false representation, non-truth-a lie. Who is calling the kettle black? Why are you questioning her intentions now? The time for that was at the beginning during the contemplation phase questions like, Do I want to get involved in this? That was the risk you took going after someone who was two timing (3 or 4 timing, who knows). Perhaps she was being honest with you but had a change of heart or head, or not. Stay away from committed people because they are not in the position to commit to you in the least…Did you think she’d be able to turn herself off emotionally after 5 years and be level headed with you? She was troubled emotionally behaved immorally and you still took her on. If you get involved with emotionally distraught women who are rebounding I doubt the end result is going to change much if at all. This is typical fallout.

The future is unpredictable but learn from history, if your not, something is being overlooked to get well. Lying was ongoing for some time, over a year left and right and she cheated on a long term relationship with you, What's done with you can be done to you and what comes around gets spread around. How could you have honesty expectations of someone who was dishonest in a serious relationship [I]with[/I]while with you? Of course she lied and you are wondering why? What do you think she was doing for a year with her b.f.? Slowly telling him they were through? It’s cheating. It’s a major character flaw. Politicians make the promise…read my lips, no new taxes…Is it a lie when it does not come true? Course not, it was a good intention and as the expression goes, good intentions pave the roadway to hell. Your encounter with her was built on lies and doomed from the start. You must have cared a lot for her to have not seen this coming…


Did you think about her boyfriend of 5 years when you were "seeing" her? Did you not realize the depth of the situation, emotional upset? Do you consider yourself more trustworthy and honest keeping that secret then she? Truth, trust, honesty, integrity are interwoven, you can't expect, receive, give, be or have one without the other. People in long-term relationships don't sever, recoup or bounce back in any one particular manner and you've been through it before. You didn’t see it coming? Why would this encounter be any different? Can't do the same thing over and over expecting different results.

I think in your gut, you sensed things that you ignored because you wanted it to work out with her so turned a blind eye. If you don't see what went wrong, what happened for yourself, you may make the same mistakes and not learn from them. If you feel in your gut something is not right then something is wrong and even if you can’t put your finger on it at the time, learn to follow your head. I would steer clear from these types of encounters. People are human and make mistakes. Make a fresh start, question character, strengths, weaknesses, make resolutions, develop conscience and remember to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

ps; If I misunderstood or misinterpreted your post in any way, please disregard my post and accept my apologies.





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