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Well, hello everyone, recently we just broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years. Almost all the time we had together was great, and he loved me above all things, and I loved him, although to be honest maybe not as much as he loved me. Well the thing is that we where really young when we started dating (18) and I guess that at that age you are looking for one thing but now I'm looking for another. I don't understand how this wonderful man who has never done anything to hurt me, is all of the sudden, in my mind, not the One. I'm so scared of making this huge mistake by letting him go and then in some time realize that the only person with whom i could have been happy was with him. The problem with our relationship is that we are both completely different people, raised in completely different ways, and wanting different things. I mean I felt like I was to smothered in the relationship and that I had lost many things that once where very important to me, like family and friends, just because he wanted my whole universe concentrated mainly on him. And at first, I was ok with it, maybe I should have made my stand clear from the start, but now I am just so exasperated and wanting a life of my own. Also I am graduating this semester and he still has alot ahead of him because he had dropped out. He is a very hard working person and financially he holds his own, but I feel like we are in a point where we can't move forward so we are just stuck at the same place we have been for like 3 years. He has always been completely understanding of my feelings, but suddenly I want all these changes (like more independence from him and to go out more, etc.) and he does not agree. So finally after months of nonstop fighting we broke it off (his idea) and now he totally wants to get back together, but I'm not sure. I still have feelings for him ( I mean we have been together for so long and have been through so much together, he know me so well, I love him, his family, etc), but I'm afraid to get back together just because we have always been together (i have never had another relationship), and because all of a sudden I get kinda lonely, but I know people don't change, and if we want two different things out of life, do you think one day we could actually have a life together?? Oh and do you truely believe that if you are meant to be you're meant to be. I mean if we let each other go now (because we where making each other miserable, being mean and always fighting), do you think that if we are meant to be together we will find each other again later on?? I am so confused, and just wanted to hear some advice from different points of view. Sorry this is so long, but pls help people.
thanks
God Bless
[QUOTE=Legally_Brunette19]Well, hello everyone, recently we just broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years. Almost all the time we had together was great, and he loved me above all things, and I loved him, although to be honest maybe not as much as he loved me. Well the thing is that we where really young when we started dating (18) and I guess that at that age you are looking for one thing but now I'm looking for another. I don't understand how this wonderful man who has never done anything to hurt me, is all of the sudden, in my mind, not the One. I'm so scared of making this huge mistake by letting him go and then in some time realize that the only person with whom i could have been happy was with him. The problem with our relationship is that we are both completely different people, raised in completely different ways, and wanting different things. I mean I felt like I was to smothered in the relationship and that I had lost many things that once where very important to me, like family and friends, just because he wanted my whole universe concentrated mainly on him. And at first, I was ok with it, maybe I should have made my stand clear from the start, but now I am just so exasperated and wanting a life of my own. Also I am graduating this semester and he still has alot ahead of him because he had dropped out. He is a very hard working person and financially he holds his own, but I feel like we are in a point where we can't move forward so we are just stuck at the same place we have been for like 3 years. He has always been completely understanding of my feelings, but suddenly I want all these changes (like more independence from him and to go out more, etc.) and he does not agree. So finally after months of nonstop fighting we broke it off (his idea) and now he totally wants to get back together, but I'm not sure. I still have feelings for him ( I mean we have been together for so long and have been through so much together, he know me so well, I love him, his family, etc), but I'm afraid to get back together just because we have always been together (i have never had another relationship), and because all of a sudden I get kinda lonely, but I know people don't change, and if we want two different things out of life, do you think one day we could actually have a life together?? Oh and do you truely believe that if you are meant to be you're meant to be. I mean if we let each other go now (because we where making each other miserable, being mean and always fighting), do you think that if we are meant to be together we will find each other again later on?? I am so confused, and just wanted to hear some advice from different points of view. Sorry this is so long, but pls help people.
thanks
God Bless[/QUOTE]

I completely know where you are coming from. I was in almost this exact situation when I graduated from college. It is a very liberating, but frightening time. For the first time, you are not sure what to do...about anything! And you really do need that time to re-evaluate.

I, too had a wonderful man who loved me more than anything. We, too, had come from very different value systems, etc. And like you, I gave up friends and family, but resented it in the long run. Especially because he remained VERY close with his family and I hated that double standard. He did not go to college either, so the parallels are numerous.

I can tell you this: He was sitting on "go" just waiting for me to say the word......he wanted to get married so bad. But he didn't understand that I had a lot to deal with and a lot of decisions to make. And I felt smothered and stifled and didn't think he was going to ever relinquish that "neediness" that I loved and hated about him at the same time. The more I tried to squirm out a bit more emotional "space" for myself, the more he tried to clamp down. We began arguing all the time and lived in a constant power struggle. It got to the point that when I heard him pull up at night I would go to bed. I dreaded him coming home. You could actually feel the tension walk in with him.

Part of the problem was, we didn't even KNOW all the issues in our relationship. We just knew that we were SOOOOO different in really important ways. How we wanted to raise children, whether we even WANTED children, etc. There were also quarrels over his irresponsibility (I was 21 and picking up a LOT of his slack financially. He was 28 and the longest he had ever kept a job was 8 months! lol) At any rate, I just finally decided that it was not healthy for either of us to try to overaccommodate, compromise ourselves, etc. He spent the better part of the next few years trying to convince me that he had "seen the error of his ways." It was quite tempting, to be honest, because he had loved me more than anyone I had ever been with. And I wondered sometimes if I would ever find that again. And I didn't. Until I met the man that I married. And up until that point, he had been my "comparison" model.

That was the first time that I ever trusted myself enough to listen to my gut. Don't get me wrong. I loved that man with all my heart. And he loved me with all of his. But just because two people love each other does not mean that they need to be together. And that is VERY sad. But true.





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