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[QUOTE=Legally_Brunette19]Thank you all for your replies, especially you Newlywedgurl, i soo identified with erverything you said. And to promisez, no he doesn't trust me, not because I ever did anything like cheat on him, but because he's just like that by nature, that was yet another problem, he had to have my email pwd, my answering machine code, my cellphone voicemail thingy, etc.
Newlywed, how did you know to move on and not just keep on going in the relationship, was it just a feeling?? I don't know I am so scared of taking the wrong decision, I don't know if we should get back together, because I am scared of what the future might bring for us, and anyways once you're married, you can't take a break or cool things off. We started off as best friends, and then all of a sudden I was just merely tolerating the relationship, there was no eagerness in seeing him, or kissing him, I think the problem was that a little of the attraction was gone ( at least for me), and I guess he thinks that he deserves to be loved in the same way he loves, and he is totally correct, I don't know if I can do that, and I'm not ready to be closed in a shell for the rest of my life, or always quarrel about any family event, outing, etc.
I guess I'm just confused, but I'm sure that with time everything will seem more clear.
Pls tell me how you got over it, or how you became convinced that it was just not right for you. Thanks so much.[/QUOTE]


To be honest, I don't know that I was CONVINCED, but I knew that I was not happy anymore. He was like you mentioned, needy, clingy, and possessive. I never gave him my email pwd, but he would call me constantly, and never seemed secure no matter how much reassurance I gave him. We tried to talk about things, but a lot of our arguments stemmed from the fact that we just had too many differences in really important areas. We still (to this day) do not know all the reasons why things between us did not work out.

My decision to finally leave came when I went to a training for my job out of town. It was a two-week session. I met a man there who was my age at the time and had been married for a year. He and I became fast friends and spent the entire two weeks glued to each other. His complaints were the same as mine, only he was "stuck" because he HAD gotten married. I just remember thinking that "Oh my God this is going to be me." My b/f called constantly and of course gave me hell for spending so much time out and about....was I cheating, etc. The fact was, I was not, but I didn't WANT to come home. I came home from that training on a Friday night. Saturday morning, I initiated "the talk."

I will tell you this. We had agreed to try to remain friends and do the whole "If we are meant to be, blah blah" thing. However, it ended up seeming as though he still felt entitled to know things about my life that he was not entitled to know anymore. I remember when I started VERY casually dating a man I had met through my job and when he found out, he hit the roof. We tried several times to spend time together and see if we could reconcile, but I found that almost more painful. I still felt like nothing had changed and he just wanted us to get back together. I didn't feel that he WANTED anything to be different. And that hurt b/c I DID love him. But could not be with him the way we had been.

Like you, it had gotten to the point that I didn't want to kiss him, hug hum, or be intimate with him because I was soooooo angry at him all of the time. Even when things were fine. It was like I had reached a point of no return with the resentment that had built up. And that rose to the surface every time we would start to discuss getting back together.

I suspect that in your situation, he probably got comfortable with the fact that you two would probably end up together and stopped putting forth the effort that ANY relationship needs. But it is more than that. It is the most stifling thing you could do to another human being--to expect them NOT to grow. And [B]want[/B] them NOT to change, rather than being a supportive force in your life that offers unconditional acceptance and love. It is a selfish love that this man offers you. And it is comforting to be loved, which is what makes it hard to walk away. But at the same time, these men use a passive-aggressive means of controlling you, somehow. And that is SOOOO not healthy!!

I was petrified that no one would ever love me the way that he did. He knew all of my nuances, knew just how to handle my moods, and often knew what I needed from him before I did. That was the hardest thing to walk away from. But it came at such a high price!! I am a very independant person and have always been that way. He knew that from the start, but tried desperately to contain that part of me. I truly felt suffocated and emotionally bankrupt.

I kept in touch with him up until I got engaged last summer. We still see each other from time to time and he of course showers me with compliments, and makes references to times that we had together. Does it tug my heartstrings? Sure. His sister, who is ten years his senior, has told me several times over the years that "I don't think he'll ever get over you. He'll say he has....but he won't." I almost gave in and stayed a few times. Almost out of obligation or guilt for hurting him. But I really know that we are just not right for each other. Could I have married him? Sure. And he would love me dearly. But I would never in a million years trade what I have found with my Dh. He is the kindest, most selfless, thoughtful man I have ever known.

I went through an immense time of personal growth and change after I broke off that relationship. It was by far the most difficult thing I have EVER done in my life. But it was also, by far, the best thing that I have ever done for myself. And for him, too. ;)





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